The ETims lowdown on our ECL opponents

Celtic has drawn a super-easy group in the ECL this year. In keeping with the SFA-led conspiracy aiming to afford Celtic the greatest possible opportunity to win everything including Bullseye, 15:1 and The Weakest Link, the draw in Monaco threw Celtic into a group with Russian cloggers and Iberian sand-dancers.

This ETims team x team account will give Celtic fans the low-down on the cannon fodder in Champions League Group G.

Spartak Moscow
The Russian strugglers are best known for having a Celtic reject in their team. Former Celtic reserve Aiden McGeady is charged with being the creative spark for Spartak, and bear in mind the young Irishman is no more creative than a plank of wood in the hands of a coma patient. The Russians only qualified for the ECL by dint of their willingness to provide by far and away the biggest bribe in the league system where oligarch’s spend all day posturing over who is the most corrupt. As an added bonus, by the time we play them it’ll be so cold in Russia that all their players will be frozen to the spot in a manner akin to snowmen on an all weather pitch.We should literally be able to run rings around them.

Once the pride of Portuguese football, Benfica is club which has been on the decline for so long that were it not for veteran striker Eusebio they would be playing the Portuguese equivalent of SFL3. The Lisbon club is looking forward to a money spinning visit from the giants of Glasgow and will no doubt be fearful of the marauding runs of players like Lustig and have already expressed relief that Andre Blackman has gone out on loan from Celtic.

The worst team in the group. This is easily evidenced in their tiny stature and the club is best known now for having the smallest squad, height wise, in European football. The dwarfs of the Camp Nou will find things tasty in Glasgow when Lennon lines up with players all over 6 feet in an obvious and successful attempt to intimidate the tiny ball players of Barca. You have to question why no other team has set up this way against Barca, but other teams lack the genius of Lennon. I expect a potential double-figure win over the two games.

In all, if Celtic doesn’t go through with 18 points and 20+ goals I will be amazed.


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9 years ago

Just the boost I needed, Bedford. Booking for Wembley right after this.


Frank McGaaaarvey
9 years ago

I think you have severley overestimated that Barca mob. They couldn’t even defeat them hammer-throwing shitehawks, led by the beautiful vajazzled ladyboy Ronaldo McDonaldo, Madrid recently over 2 legs! I would even rest our top players for these games if we have tough SPL games afterwards.

The Holy Poet
9 years ago

Love it: the layout, the write up and the comments

The Bergmeister
9 years ago

I totally agree with your assessment of our opponents in the Champions League. My big concern is that there will be very little competition and we will stroll through the group. My preference would be to get a real challenge and tough opponents that you would find in the Ramsdens Cup or early rounds of the League Cup.

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