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That ZOOM Call!

Our mole within the bowels of Celtic Park has managed to retrieve the recording of the latest ZOOM call between the Manager ( at time of writing), The CEO and the Man with the tache, cash and short arms, Dermot Desmond. Transcript below.


Lawwell: For the purposes of the tape, I, Peter Prudence Lawwell, state for the record that this recording is being made on Thursday 26th November, 2020. In attendance, Neil Francis Lennon, Company subsidiary Manager and esteemed business genius, Dermot Desmond. Neil, you are live on tape, so please do not swear.

Lenny: What? Cheers Peter.

Dermot: Yeah, I will be right there, tell the caddy to warm the balls, Hello, is this thing on?

Lawwell: Greetings your Majesty. We can hear your dulcet tones loud and crystal clear and we give praise for being able to do so for we are the lucky people.

Dermot: Hello, Oh its you Lawwell. What is it now, I’m a busy man you know!

Lawwell: Apologies your Eminence but I thought you may wish to discuss the latest performance review.

Dermot: The what? I don’t have time for this, Dustin Johnson is staying over. What’s the big deal now? Have the fans asked for more brown sauce sachets, I told you to buy the cheap vinegary ones last time!

Lawwell: Yes you did and Gold Star Condiments of the Gallowgate ran a hard bargaining campaign but we got there in the end Sir. No this is about the team!

Dermot: The Team, that’s your playthi., I mean, thats you and Mr Lennons responsibility while I concentrate on the shareholders investment interests. Whats happened now?

Lennon: Well Mr Desmond, its a combination of many factors, you see, the players feel underwhelmed playing in empty stadia, the international campaigns have destroyed all impetus and as for Covid, well its devastated us to the point the fans are even missing Bolingoli.

Dermot: So basically?

Lennon: We’re pish. We have been dumped out the Champions League and are now being gubbed in the Europa by wee diddies.

Dermot: Lawwell, how can we be pish?  I okayed millions for star buys to secure this years Title.

Lawwell: Well sir, there were various circumstances in respect to completing signings early in preparation and of course there was that Broon Sauce issue we mentioned early, I had to deal with that.

Dermot: Haud oan, You told me £20m gets a Squad that could rival that team that got to Seville. Is that not the case.

Lawwell: Well, it could rival the Govan Team who all went to Seville perhaps.

Dermot: But didn’t you say we were targeting International centre halves, strikers and quality back up. Who have we signed?

Lawwell: Well we brought in a Psychologist!

Dermot: For what, can they play centre half?

Lawwell; I tried to sign various players, if you check back on Daily Record back pages you will see loads of stories linking us with renowned players who would all come in and do us a right turn.

Dermot: So who did we sign?

Lawwell: Shane Duffy, on loan, at the last minute.

Dermot: Did we get big Forster sorted?

Lawwell: He wanted mad money.

Dermot: Fair enough, so we stuck with Gordon and Bain then and spent that money elsewhere?

Lawwell: No. We bought Barkas for £5m then his wages.

Dermot: And we sorted the troublesome left back position no doubt.

Lawwell: Oh aye that’s sorted. In fact our left back is in the Champions League with a Turkish mob. Our back up is warming the bench and we have hired a loanee from Milan for a small fortune.

Dermot: With a clause to buy of course.

Lawwell: The paperwork is about here somewhere, I would need to check ( gulp)

Dermot: And up front, we rattling goals in like crazy no doubt?

Lawwell: Well I will hand over to Mr Lennon on that one.

Lennon: Well at times, the play is scintillating but the final ball is just, at times, not quite at the optimum

Dermot: Speak English man

Lennon: We couldn’t score in a barrel of fannies.

Dermot: And what do you propose to do about it?

Lennon: I’ve tried everything!

Dermot: Everything?

Lennon: Yip, basically. Ive tried pulling wishbones with big Kennedy, Ive tried crossing my fingers, I’ve tried using black magic, pulling names out a magic hat, turns out it was just an old hat Tom Boyd had worn years ago. Ive tried every combination and every formation but same result.

Dermot: What result?

Lennon: Usually its a 4-1 defeat but every now and again we scrape a 2-0 defeat or even a 2-2 draw if wee Griff makes it on the pitch.

Dermot: So let me get this right. We spent a fortune. We are playing terrible. The players are clueless, the Management seem so too. The money has been spent on duds that aren’t even playing and we are slowly circling the drain of disaster and it looks like we are doomed.

Lawwell: Basically, yeah, that’s it. What do we do your High Heid Yinness?

Dermot: Do? Hee haw. Just ride it out and suck it up. Unless yous want to go find other jobs?

Lawwell/Lennon: Oh no, no, no!

Dermot: The AGM is soon, this bad news will keep the Res12 or Res11 or whatever they want to be called this week mob away from us and that’s the most important thing. Agreed?

Lawwell/Lennon: Agreed!

Dermot: Carry on. Unless you suspect this could get even worse. Could it Mr Lennon?

Lennon: Oh no chance Mr Desmond. Christ its only Ross County at home on Sunday, what could possibly go wrong there?

Dermot: Right off you pop then Mr Lennon and help get the team prepared. Oh and Lawwell, can you hang on there a sec.

Lennon: Thanks bosses, that’s me away.

Lawwell: Yes Mr Desmond?

Dermot: Has Lennon gone?

Lawwell: Yes Mr Desmond?

Dermot: Best order more fencing for around the stadium, I have a feeling we might need it asap.

Lawwell: Yes Mr Desmond?

Dermot: Right, golf awaits, bye.

Lawwell: Thank you your honour.


And that was that.

God only knows what the next one will be like.

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2 years ago


2 years ago

away now duncy

2 years ago

About sums it up , pathetic really and if today fans gets used as a deflection tactic unforgivable! Lennon should been nowhere near the job and the contempt shown to us by board and lennon a disgrace! A man of little morals and thats a fact and sacked at last two jobswith smaller way smaller clubs@ No more ” Celtic legend or servant either multi millionaire from being st our Great club, get him backroom sacked today tho everyone knew months ago he had to go! Long term desmond needs bought out and a real hands on owner in place it’s like the old farts in ” trading places ” with us being eddie f###$$g Murphy! Hail Hail we can still win this league but it starts today!

2 years ago
Reply to  Stessano

the talk is he will be away nit the coaches remain

they all need let go its not just lennon

Big Don Gazpachio
2 years ago
Reply to  bgbhoy

There should be even bigger protests if the coaches stay.

Lawwell out.

2 years ago

they are the ones panning the sessions they are as guilty

2 years ago

Too late, because it has happened again. Same old board always getting it wrong.

crowds 3.jpg
2 years ago
Reply to  Mike

Twa teams frae the Heilands have done for Celtic, Inverness went ballistic and yes Celtic were atrocious. Ross County yesterday and if anything Celtic were even more atrocious. Over the years, Celtic (Lawwell)has wasted huge amounts of money on really poor signings, including from his favourite agent. From the secret E-Mails between him and Bain in 2011, trying to get them both into the EPL. fortunately the Huns went belly up and so that dream died as well as the Huns. 2012 and Res.12. still hand in hand, ‘we are self sufficient’ they said, but it didn’t stop them trying to keep them alive, as the 5Way Agreement proved. Then the greatest injustice of them all, the Lord Nimmo Smith Commission and they did SFA. about rectifying that wrong. We are supposed to accept that they are the same club, but the 5Way Agreement doesn’t tell lies. We are supposed to accept that we are able to be a self sufficient club, that’s what they say, but what goes on behind the scenes paints a different picture. From a position of great financial strength, where we should be enjoying regular Champions League participation to where we are now, is a terrible indictment on how our great club is run. Who could possibly complain about the fans, but completely ignore their own failures? them, the board, that’s who…

2 years ago

The hatred i feel for Lawwell & the board i feel today is overwhelming, i was actually shaking with anger at full time yesterday.
The minimum that should happen today is Lennon leaves the club.
Lawwell should be following him out the door, he is costing the club fortunes.
As for the players?
The way i feel today ( which is hurting & some ) there is not one player i would keep, this is not a blip, or a slump in form, or covid or the Spanish flu….
This is a group of players, who are no longer wanting to play for Celtic, who don’t care about us, the club or what winning ten titles in a row would mean, they are spineless, unmotivated, unfit, overpaid charlatans, the only reason they are here is for money.
There has to be a clear out from Lawwell to the dressing room….today!

* The supporters who turned up at CP last night i salute each & every one of you, you were venting because you care, more passion shown than any player showed that’s for sure.
I’ll never knock our supporters because we deeply care for our club, we need to change the board, long term we need people in that boardroom who are connected with the support.

I feel more disgust towards this board than i did with the old board…and that sense of ill feeling is growing stronger.

Wake up Bhoys & Ghirls, we need to force change at Celtic!


2 years ago

Few typos @ phones eh They seem to forget ,when we it suits them but we are Celtic! As in the fans and they are us! This pandemic has allowed some to behave as if we are mugs, its disgraceful we find ourselves in this situation ” trumpesque ” comes to mind, and like some former eastern European dictatorship and we know how that panned out. Really is a disgrace it came to this but appointing an amateur after a guy like rodgers was a complete disaster ,and not hindsight even the dogs and cats on the street knew it!

2 years ago
Reply to  Stessano

Comparing our owner I meant, cause he is absent tho he mostly is he runs the show and they csnt deflect on to the fans cause they brought that on last night with their utter contempt.So we came a bad manager to spite the fans who are the club! Madness

2 years ago

Dear Santa please please can YOu find the real Celtic. This lot are a poor,poor,poor tribute act. WHO CAN’T SCORE CAN’T DEFEND and should have left our beloved club before now.

2 years ago

Having left early from Parkhead when Celtic are winning I hold my hand up, but a televised game I stick to the end. The last two games have chucked it, not because we were getting beaten, more the manner of stupidity foisted on the fans by Lennon.
He is unbelievable that after every game he is an embarrassment with his pathetic comment ‘ it wasnse me the big boy did it’
The supporters are also stupid foning radio stations or comments in the Hun media that lets them wallow in our demise, as for the clowns that marched on Parkhead, these are the morons that never went through the fifties or the nineties, I hang my head in shame. The only way that Lawell and his cohorts react is by being hit in the pocket.
Probably the last year has been the worst performing Celtic team I have watched, since the demise of Johnston and Forrest we have absolutely no width, our midfield with aBrown is lost. And the defence is pathetic that goes for both Barkas and Bain. We need someone to come in and bang heads together, Lennon will hang on by his fingernails as there is no leadership at Celtic
Ten in a row, is this a plan to stop it to let them survive?

thru and thru
2 years ago

I’ve stood by Neil Lennon all the way but yesterday was the final straw. Although I believe the players on the pitch let him down badly, the lack of fight and urgency was shocking. Only Brown and Callum McGregor looked genuinely gutted. I get the impression the rest couldn’t really care less and maybe that’s part of the problem. They dont fully understand what this season means. Which in turn goes back to the management, because they fuckin should know what it means.

2 years ago

The Celtic Board come up with their grand plan.

Big Don Gazpachio
2 years ago

They’re at the fvckin fiddle alright.

2 years ago

Lawwell OUT

You mad about ETims or just plain mad? Why not buy the t-shirt at