Our mole within the bowels of Celtic Park has managed to retrieve the recording of the latest ZOOM call between the Manager ( at time of writing), The CEO and the Man with the tache, cash and short arms, Dermot Desmond. Transcript below.
Lawwell: For the purposes of the tape, I, Peter Prudence Lawwell, state for the record that this recording is being made on Thursday 26th November, 2020. In attendance, Neil Francis Lennon, Company subsidiary Manager and esteemed business genius, Dermot Desmond. Neil, you are live on tape, so please do not swear.
Lenny: What? Cheers Peter.
Dermot: Yeah, I will be right there, tell the caddy to warm the balls, Hello, is this thing on?
Lawwell: Greetings your Majesty. We can hear your dulcet tones loud and crystal clear and we give praise for being able to do so for we are the lucky people.
Dermot: Hello, Oh its you Lawwell. What is it now, I’m a busy man you know!
Lawwell: Apologies your Eminence but I thought you may wish to discuss the latest performance review.
Dermot: The what? I don’t have time for this, Dustin Johnson is staying over. What’s the big deal now? Have the fans asked for more brown sauce sachets, I told you to buy the cheap vinegary ones last time!
Lawwell: Yes you did and Gold Star Condiments of the Gallowgate ran a hard bargaining campaign but we got there in the end Sir. No this is about the team!
Dermot: The Team, that’s your playthi., I mean, thats you and Mr Lennons responsibility while I concentrate on the shareholders investment interests. Whats happened now?
Lennon: Well Mr Desmond, its a combination of many factors, you see, the players feel underwhelmed playing in empty stadia, the international campaigns have destroyed all impetus and as for Covid, well its devastated us to the point the fans are even missing Bolingoli.
Dermot: So basically?
Lennon: We’re pish. We have been dumped out the Champions League and are now being gubbed in the Europa by wee diddies.
Dermot: Lawwell, how can we be pish? I okayed millions for star buys to secure this years Title.
Lawwell: Well sir, there were various circumstances in respect to completing signings early in preparation and of course there was that Broon Sauce issue we mentioned early, I had to deal with that.
Dermot: Haud oan, You told me £20m gets a Squad that could rival that team that got to Seville. Is that not the case.
Lawwell: Well, it could rival the Govan Team who all went to Seville perhaps.
Dermot: But didn’t you say we were targeting International centre halves, strikers and quality back up. Who have we signed?
Lawwell: Well we brought in a Psychologist!
Dermot: For what, can they play centre half?
Lawwell; I tried to sign various players, if you check back on Daily Record back pages you will see loads of stories linking us with renowned players who would all come in and do us a right turn.
Dermot: So who did we sign?
Lawwell: Shane Duffy, on loan, at the last minute.
Dermot: Did we get big Forster sorted?
Lawwell: He wanted mad money.
Dermot: Fair enough, so we stuck with Gordon and Bain then and spent that money elsewhere?
Lawwell: No. We bought Barkas for £5m then his wages.
Dermot: And we sorted the troublesome left back position no doubt.
Lawwell: Oh aye that’s sorted. In fact our left back is in the Champions League with a Turkish mob. Our back up is warming the bench and we have hired a loanee from Milan for a small fortune.
Dermot: With a clause to buy of course.
Lawwell: The paperwork is about here somewhere, I would need to check ( gulp)
Dermot: And up front, we rattling goals in like crazy no doubt?
Lawwell: Well I will hand over to Mr Lennon on that one.
Lennon: Well at times, the play is scintillating but the final ball is just, at times, not quite at the optimum
Dermot: Speak English man
Lennon: We couldn’t score in a barrel of fannies.
Dermot: And what do you propose to do about it?
Lennon: I’ve tried everything!
Lennon: Yip, basically. Ive tried pulling wishbones with big Kennedy, Ive tried crossing my fingers, I’ve tried using black magic, pulling names out a magic hat, turns out it was just an old hat Tom Boyd had worn years ago. Ive tried every combination and every formation but same result.
Dermot: What result?
Lennon: Usually its a 4-1 defeat but every now and again we scrape a 2-0 defeat or even a 2-2 draw if wee Griff makes it on the pitch.
Dermot: So let me get this right. We spent a fortune. We are playing terrible. The players are clueless, the Management seem so too. The money has been spent on duds that aren’t even playing and we are slowly circling the drain of disaster and it looks like we are doomed.
Lawwell: Basically, yeah, that’s it. What do we do your High Heid Yinness?
Dermot: Do? Hee haw. Just ride it out and suck it up. Unless yous want to go find other jobs?
Lawwell/Lennon: Oh no, no, no!
Dermot: The AGM is soon, this bad news will keep the Res12 or Res11 or whatever they want to be called this week mob away from us and that’s the most important thing. Agreed?
Dermot: Carry on. Unless you suspect this could get even worse. Could it Mr Lennon?
Lennon: Oh no chance Mr Desmond. Christ its only Ross County at home on Sunday, what could possibly go wrong there?
Dermot: Right off you pop then Mr Lennon and help get the team prepared. Oh and Lawwell, can you hang on there a sec.
Lennon: Thanks bosses, that’s me away.
Lawwell: Yes Mr Desmond?
Dermot: Has Lennon gone?
Lawwell: Yes Mr Desmond?
Dermot: Best order more fencing for around the stadium, I have a feeling we might need it asap.
Lawwell: Yes Mr Desmond?
Dermot: Right, golf awaits, bye.
Lawwell: Thank you your honour.
And that was that.
God only knows what the next one will be like.