Thoughts From A Lennoxtown Sofa

El Cormaco observes some interesting goings on at the training complex…so he says..

Usually I will give some thoughts about Football and Celtic I have had as I sit on my sofa watching and thinking too much about football for someone my age.

This time, in a world exclusive, I’ve got actual transcript of a conversation that took place today at Celtic’s training base and wanted to share it with you.

Scene: Managers office at Lennoxtown.

John Collins is doing stomach crunches on the floor, listening to a show reel of his appearances on Sky Sports on his expensive headphones.   John Kennedy is at a seat re arranging the pages in his clip board and drawing wee o’s and x’s on a piece of paper with a football pitch printed on it.   Ronnie Delia is at his desk watching You Tube clips of Stefan Johansen from 2013-15.

A knock on the door and Scott Brown appears:

SB: Ah, eh, boss, eh hello, I ken, just wanted to say that the boys is eh a bit worried and that ken, that other teams have figured out how we play and that and eh are thinking we might need a plan b and that ken eh

Collins stops mid crunch, and flings off his headphones

JC: What are you doing in here?

SB; I eh, was ken, just ..

JC: Are you a manager? Did you see the sign on the door that says manager’s office?

SB: aye I did, I mean no, I m not …I eh, I ken, eh, nothing, sorry to bother you and that I can see youse are busy…

JC: Good, get out, no hold on, come here, feel my stomach (lifts up training top) feel that. Hard as rock eh? Bet you don’t have body like that.

SB: no I …eh…. sorry again, I ll let youse get back to it   Brown starts to close the door.

RD: no wait, Broony, come in, we should talk about this. Sit down

Brown nervously enters the room and sits on the seat in front of the desk. Collins glares at him while John happily continues marking out where defenders are supposed to be on his pages

RD: You think we are predicatable?

SB: Well, its just, ken, its eh, we are ken, um, teams likesay know how we are going to play every time and eh, can ken, plan on how to stop us

JC: Well maybe if youse were all in as good a shape as me you ..

Ronnie holds up his hand,

RD: No John, thank you, Brroony – Broony am I saying that right, it doesn’t  sound right? Broony?

JK looks up

JK: Aye, its Broony, you’re right boss.

He then resumes his work ticking pages

RD: Thanks John, great input. Broony. Broony is our captain, we should hear what he has to say. We are predictable you think?

JC glares, JK stops his ticking

SB; Well, no its not….well yeah, I mean ken…

RD: But its not true Scott. Its hard for us. Last night Dundee had a man near Roberts every time he got the ball, and Stefan – Ronnie stops to stare at the  poster of Stefan Johansen on his wall for a moment – Stefan tried everything but Dundee would not give him enough room to play his best game. How can I ..

SB: But, that’s kinda what I ….of course Dundee are gonna..

RD: I mean we tell you to go out and play well and win the game, what more can we do?

JC: Aye you wee jobbie, coming in here greeting, what do you want us to do about it?

Collins goes to square up to Brown pulling up his training top again as he approaches

RD: John its okay.  Nice six pack by the way

JC: Its 8 ya tube

RD: Sorry John yes 8 pack. Any way Broony yes, its so hard. Teams will not allow us to go and win the game so it’s really unfair

SB: Maybe ken I dunno, try a different formation or system or something, me and some of the boys..

JC: Which boys? Kennedy write these names down

Ronnie stops them again.

RD: No John its okay, and John (to Kennedy) you don’t need to write names down, do we have any pages there with any other formations?

John Kennedy nervously looks through his notes while Collins does floor squats in front of Brown

JK: (flicking through his pages) 4231, 4231, 4231 42 – ah ha this one,  442, no no sorry, just a bit of ketchup on the page

JC & RD together; Ketchup!!!???

JK: Aye, I was marking some x’s on my page and

RD: Okay it doesn’t matter John. Now Broony, you see there are no other formations. It’s the only way to play. 4231, fast dynamic football, high tempo pressing and both full backs

Ronnies eyes begin to mist up as he stares into the middle distance considering the beauty of the creation in his mind

SB: Sorry to interrupt you boss…eh that’s all sounds great and that ken, and you’ve told us it before ken, but well, some folk are saying its no happening and we are eh ken, slow and eh predicatable

RD: Who is saying this? John start writing down these names

Kennedy picks up his pen as Collins resumes lifting up his top again

SB: No, eh no one, nah its nothing ken.

RD: Okay, good, and what about Stefan? Are people criticising Stefan? I heard some people said he has been poor this year? Have you heard any one saying this?

JC makes a gesture of throat being slit towards Brown

SB: Stefan?

He looks nervously at Collins

SB: naw boss, not at all, everyone says, eh everyone thinks ken he’s pure brilliant ken

RD: Good. Great. Okay Broony, thanks for coming in, good talk, and remember, my door is always open

Brown stand up and walks to and out the door, Collins glaring as he leaves

JC: Cheek a that eh boss, coming in here, saying that about how we are predicatable

RD: Its important John we have open relations with the players. Broo –neh Broon – eh. Still doesn’t sound right.

Now for Saturday, I’m thinking 4231, with Stefan in goal, Stefan at right back, at left back Stefan…..

Collins resumes his stomach crunches and Kennedy gets a clean page for his o’s and x’s

Fade to black ….