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Dave King To Bring Rangers Back From The Dead

By Martian Williams, Senior Poodle, Level 5

In a move that Jesus Christ would have paid homage to, Rangers supremo extraordinaire Dave King has revealed incredible moves to pay off the oldco creditors and bring Rangers FC back from the dead.

Top liquidation expert Neil Pasty told the Day Late Ranger that Mr King’s plan, if successful, would be a new world record for bringing a three year old dead entity back to life.

Mr King, surrounded by a select audience of press lapdogs from the Evening Times, Herald and Daily Record newspapers, set out his vision to bring Rangers back from the dead to gasps of “oooh” and “ahhh” from an astonished audience drunk on his heroic words and the free gratis imported Eldorado wine generously provided.

Mr King admitted his vision would involve creditors accepting “what they are given” with an offer of something significantly close to zero likely to be his starting position.

Currently creditors, according to world finance expert of the year 2011-2015 Neil Pasty, would only expect to get under 10p in the pound from the liquidation process. The full debt is £160 million but that depends on whether the anti-Rangers taxman wins the complete waste of public money ‘big tax’ case.

It’s known that £72m of the £94.4m owed to Her Majesty’s (bless here) Revenue and Customs is dependent on the outcome of their ‘big tax case’ appeal.

If HMRC lose their appeal the debts owed would fall from £160m to £96m,

The Rangers International Football Club plc board (I’m lost now – Ed!) has said it was not in the club’s (thought it was holding company!) interests to repay a £5m loan provided by Mike Ashley who secured it against Rangers assets such as Murray Park, club trademarks, the Sons of Struth angry outbursts and Chris Graham’s wham gloves.

Mr King advised that if the taxman and claims by all others apart from him were removed then an offer to pay off all the creditors completely was a distinct possibility.

He said putting the assets, (after repaying Mike Ashley’s outstanding and currently defaulted £5m), back into oldco was “a good thing to do” adding: “It’s not got a bloody hope in hell of happening but the idiots will believe it. Guys, remember that part is off the record and make sure it’s removed”.

“Our fans hear all this, ‘you’re not Rangers any more’ and ‘you are a new club’ and have a wash you unpleasant bunch of knuckle dragging braggards’. It would be nice to put all that behind us and say we died for several years and I managed to rewrite the rules in global liquidation to bring Rangers back to life. I’m bloody great. Mind print that part”.

“You can never rewrite history although with the press’s support I am trying my best to do so. In years to come most people will point and refer to me as Chief from One flew over the cuckoo’s nest who voted against a CVA that would have saved Rangers. However, I’d like to believe Rangers fans will accept my vision and give me as much money as possible over the next few months to cover our debts to avoid the Newco getting liquidated like the Oldco”.

Mr King, what a man.

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7 years ago

The arrogance coming out of this man is staggering. My headline for this would be “clown tries to bring back animal acts to the circus”. At least he has clarified the liquidation myths and there can be no doubt that the old Rangers is dead. He told us so. Secondly if they lose their tax case and were therefore found to have gained an unfair advantage by being able to pay more money to better players then the SPFL must nullify trophies won during that time and hand them over to runners up who were playing by the rules. Just like athletics – you get caught they take the medal back. King is as preposterous as Green, Whyte and Murray. I am waiting with anticipation to the Police Scotland findings on the dodgy deals at the Orc Bowl.

7 years ago

In 1818 the first local case of “re animation proved very popular (“Tonight Matthew will be ‘Matthew'”), so it’s good to see tradishun in action:

7 years ago

I think your a bit hard in the man, he’s a visionary genius dontcha know???
He has the ability to see the future, at least I think that what people mean when they say he looks past you when he’s talking (shite) to you.
We all know how this is going to end, just as the team on the park look like they’re going to make the top league, how sad never mind.

Hugh Burns
7 years ago

Every one knows how big a liar King is as documented by the South African judge. He is a born liar and as such keeps talking a lot of hot air . He will never get back to challenge us as once the big tax case is finished they will have nothing.!The big tax case is now being handled from England and these boys will not be intimidated and will get their money. No Scottish knuckle cracking officials from Glasgow will have any say in it. Also still to come the “loans” case and it is also coming to bite them on the bum. On top of that they have a stadium (?) falling around their ears and God knows how they are getting a safety certificate for it .(more knuckle cracking). So all in all things look rosy for the whole dammed place to be shut down and I think it would make a very nice bus garage in the “sooth side ” The ” big hoose nae mare” Shut them down for once and all… Bbbyyyyyeeee

7 years ago

Superb piece. Very difficult to parody a writer whose own work is farcical to begin with!!
This King guy is great, I’m glad the press don’t challenge him, it allows him to go wild and let the full range of delusion come pouring freely. When he is caught out his experience in glib lying keeps it sweet for now
Of course when he’s shown up as a joke they can just pretend they always knew he wasn’t on the level. Known in the trade as the Green & Whyte switcheroo. Can’t recall why..

7 years ago

GASL even looks like a Zombie.

Spectrum is Green
7 years ago

Never trust a man whose eyes look in different directions simultaneously – he’s obviously dodgy. And a fantasist!

class of 88
7 years ago

Thought this was a cut n paste direct from the record, only realised when the article wasn’t credited to wacko Jacko. Brilliant! Coybig, do these sheep shaggers tmoro.

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