Over at Ibrox , there’s a new man in charge.
The press are delighted! The support are in raptures, and no wonder !
This man is the real deal.
Here are ten know things YOU didn’t know about the new kid on the block. ( Because they aren’t true. -Ed )
1: There are a number of jokes on social media linking the man to a well known brand of bread. Of course, Mark has nothing to do with that company, ( It was a different company) but what a lot of people don’t know is that many years ago, after watching someone struggle to cut through a huge lump of the doughy staple, he came up with the concept of pre packed sliced bread-quick , convenient and just as tasty. Not only is he the best thing since sliced bread, he actually invented it !
2: Questioning his coaching abilities ? Well, I wouldn’t! Years ago, as a student in Brazil, he would spend hours playing football with disadvantaged kids, and one of them was terrible. The other kids only let him play because it was his ball ! well, his bundle of rags. But Mark, who saw something no-one else could see, took the lad to one side and taught him the basics, before moving on to specialised skills and advanced sports science. That’s right-you’ve guessed it ! It was Pele !
3: there’s a postscript to this story. While teaching sports science at Barcelona, Mark noticed that a few of the players he was working with were having a bit of trouble at home in the bedroom department. He worked in the lab after everyone had gone home, and came up with -viagra ! . but he was too embarrassed to mention it to everyone, and didn’t think anyone would admit to needing it ! No problem. his old mate Pele rang him, and was only too pleased to go on worldwide tv to help promote his old mentors new product. The rest is history !
4: When Mark left Brentford, a lot of critics were saying he was sacked . not true ! The rosetta probe, which flew to a comet on the outer edges of the solar system, was another of Marks projects ! He led the design team and after it’s successful trip to the far reaches of the known universe, he went back into coaching. But disaster struck as the probe made a poor landing, and was out of action. Mark had to quit his post with the north london club, despite petitions to parliament, to try to fix the landing machine, which was out of action. however, last week, his efforts paid off, the lander was sending back pictures, and Mark could take up the post at Rangers !
5: One of the uses for sliced bread was to help World War 2 pilots get proper nutritional food during the battle of britain, where they often had to fly combat sorties every fifteen minutes, which didn’t leave time for lunch! Mark, a seasoned pilot himself, hit on the idea of placing meat, or salad between TWO slices, and that meant the pilots could see off Jerry and eat at the same time ! He named them sandwiches, after the RAF base he was working from.
6: There was an interesting bonus to this. Once, the lads didn’t even have time to pick up their butties-a slang name from what they used to sit on while eating them-and they went to battle on an empty stomach. It was a long fight, and when they got back they were starving-and didn’t check the bread for mold ! however, just minutes later all their wounds healed, and -you’ve guessed it-thats how penicillin was discovered !
7: Mark spent some time working in the USA in the financial sector, and after the war he helped to rebuild a shattered Europe by organising and allocating the funds that were sent to the devastated continent to enable a full recovery ! Thankfully, nothing like that can ever happen again as the rampaging hun was vanquished and won’t be charging around the historic and beautiful cities again.
8: When that was done, he felt that the people of Britain needed a land fit for heroes, and he worked tirelessly behind the scenes to get the National Health Service off the ground, “You’ve Never Had It so Good ” proclaimed prime minister Harold MacMillan as the sick and the disabled were cured by the MILLION ! All thanks to the vision and foresight of this altruistic young man ! And Rangers fans too will never have had it so good when he gets going !
9: On to the sixties, and Mark, on a night out in Liverpool spotted a young beat combo playing badly written tunes out of key. He spoke to them afterwards, and offered to help them out. Within just a few weeks they had sold billions of records and were the biggest thing since-that’s right-sliced bread ! He even helped to market them, changing their name from Willie wombat and the Washboard Five to the -BEATLES ! One of them was murdered in New York a few years later, but that was another Mark, and nothing to do with our Mark.
10: We’re at the end of our list now ( Thank god-Etims Lawyers -look this idiot is making all of this up. -everyone else at Etims ) but we have one more thing to mention! Mark is in charge at Rangers, and scotland can look forward to another big cup landing on these shores-this time decked in red , white and blue ribbons. And we’re serious. You see, Mark has been the brains behind every single club ( bar one ) who have won the big cup since 1956 ! always on the sidelines, never taking credit, just giving a quiet word of encouragement, or a complete tactical overhaul when it was needed. Oddly enough, the only club to refuse his services were-CELTIC ! Which is why they only scored two out of over forty shots on goal when they scraped a win over an over the hill Inter Milan in 1967 ! And they keep going on about it !
Wait till Mark gets his feet under the table-in his his new orbiting office which allows him to watch every game in Europe -at the same time !
Then you’ll see something. !
He will soon have everyone pulling in the same direction !
“Mark ” my words !
copyright Scottish Mainstream Media
Bravo!
Too funny for words. I’m a bit surprised that you forgot to give him the credit for ending the Cold War and the destruction of the Berlin Wall but i suppose he should be left with some modesty.
I think the team playing at Ibrox are being selfish as Warburton was the brains behind Band Aid ,Comic Relief, and had a plan to solve hunger across the world and to end world poverty.I suppose if he helps solve poverty down Govan that is a start.
Maybe he is really there as a financial advisor and has invested Big Mike’s £5 in the currency markets with his old pals.
Ralph
Doh, doh, doh, doh, doh!!!!
Just had a look at my loaf and it is now covered in blue stuff because it’s been around too long and gone stale, just like everything at Ibrox. Putting it in a new wrapper wont cure it nor will it provide the basis for Warburton inspiration – it might open his eyes to a few incredible discoveries though.
Ach, who needs a slice of reality when ETims make the butter and jam of life – as well as jelly and ice cream for afters.
H H
Lets toast the new team at Ibrocks…David Weird and War Buttons
They say pride comes before a fall.
With all this claptrap and gushing from the people, they are heading for a bottomless pit (as if they weren’t in one already)….it really does keep getting better and better…..