Its Panto season, oh yes it is, so we thought we would do a quick comparison to see which characters would fit in with the characters in Scottish Fitbaw…..
Buttons – Ronnie Deila
The bright eyed new kid in town with the wee button nose and a dream in his heart. Seems to talk to everyone and no-one at the same time and can often be found making long speeches on a future where everything is wonderful and the world is full of smiles, cotton candy and rainbows. People watch him with a mixture of joy and “What the f*ck is he doing now?” which also happens with Buttons in Cinderella.
Genie – Dermot Desmond
A reclusive mythical creature who wont come out despite many many simple requests ( usually from Jeanette Findlay). Is seldom seen but is said to live in a fantasy land and will only appears at great times of need, or if Tiger Woods is up for a 4-ball. He holds great power in his hands and can even grant wishes and bestow riches upon any who please him but hell hath no fury when he is scorned. Heaven forbid you ever upset him, a life in pain and darkness, or Bolton as we call it, awaits. Same goes for the Genie in Aladdin.
Cinderella – James Forrest
A poor slight creature who works ever so hard but all they ever get back is abuse and pain. Has aspirations of being loved by millions one day but fate continues to aspire against them. Every time they don their fancy footwear, you just know that despite any excitement and praise, the evening will end in a stumble and cries of anguish. Cinderella doesn’t have much luck either.
Widow Twanky / John Collins
A weird high pitched voiced character with strange pointy hair who seems to be just there for the sake of it. No one really knows the point of this person and when they speak, the audience dont know whether to laugh or cry half the time. Has tales of wondeful past but now seems a little erratic yet is strangely forgettable all at the same time. Seemingly destined for a happy fruitful life but no-one really knows why or actually cares that much. And as for Twanky..
Dick Whittington / Peter Lawwell
From humble beginnings, a young naive but uber-keen lad shall grow up to become one of the most powerful men in the land. Truly the script of dreams as we watch this clever chappy work his way from the gutter to climb all the way to the top of the tree and enjoy all the power and riches that come with it. Streets paved with gold?..dont be daft. he wouldnt even notice, he’s cant see passed his annual bonus. Wee Dick Wittington does okay wage wise too.
Peter Pan / Ally McCoist
A violent scheming character who is so paranoid that he even suspects his shadow is against him these days. Inhabits a land with scary rogues who will do anything to make a quick buck and is always in constant danger of getting the Hook. Hangs around with loyal companions who dont really have any skills or organisation but always happy to do his bidding. Usually seen with a little impudent fantasy style creature by his side named Jimmy bell, i mean Tinkerbell, och actually I’m not sure now!.
Jack / Neil Doncaster
It takes a special sort of dumpling to take the cash cow and turn it into a hill of beans. While there aint no Golden goose or League sponsor, it seems the golden eggs keep on coming in the form of wage increases and bonus payments. Will the big Giant, possibly named Lawell come down upon greedy scheming Jacks house and finally crush it as he deserves, a football nation can but pray!
Ali Baba and the 40 thieves / Chuck and mates
A cheeky band of rapscallions who will join any company and sing their songs and wear their sashes but come the dark of night, these cheeky chaps will soon be taking all the money and possessions and leaving nothing bar sadness and tears in their wake. No stone is left unturned as this band of thieves grab everything of any value. tied down or not. and no one can seemingly fight them as they scarper off into the sunset, or France. Always ignores the Panto cries of “Behind You” as simply refuses to name his backers. Aladdin( see below) would probably happily join them if he only know their secret passwords or handshakes.
Aladdin / Dave King
A would be hero from a distant land who has a confirmed and indisputable past of criminal activity. Dreams of being the ruler of all he surveys but there are so many obstacles in his way, the main one being he seems to talk a lot but cant really back it up without help from rich benefactors. Seemingly glides around on a magic carpet of free publicity provided by the Scottish Media and often claims that he has powerful friends, Good times and millions of pounds at his very fingertips. No one believes his fantastical claims and he is beginning to become very tiresome. Aladdin is a bit of a pain in the arse too.
Ugly Sisters \ Durranty and Kenny McD
2 nasty looking characters who seemingly do nothing but take take take. Lauded for no apparent reason by those in charge, these pair of charlatans contribute absolute nothing and no-one with any sense sees the point in giving them the time of day. Happy to turn up at big events when occasionally invited but very quick to stand on the sidelines sulking when the shoe doesn’t fit or Alloa are playing. Instantly forgettable chancers. At least Cinderellas ugly sisters knew how to dance.
Jiminy Cricket / Chris Graham
A weird wee character. No-one knows where it came from or what its all about really. Loves to give its weak voiced opinion on matters that frankly for a person of its size and reputation, it really should shut up about. Claims to be a voice of conscience but no one really actually likes, cares or respects this character. He just seems to pop up whether wanted or not and people sigh and listen to its inane ramblings for a few minutes before he disappears and is gone until the next Rangers owner\scam artist needs his backing then 6 month later his slagging. Pinnochios mate is weird too but at least he’s green and knows how to tie a tie and shave right.
Site friend crawofthewood from Galston RSC suggests:
Robinson Crusoe / Craig Whyte
A shy mythical, some say even Scottish, creature who is seldom seen but is said to have lived in a fantasy island far far away. The epitome of “OH NO YOU DIDNT…OH YES HE DID!” He should have his teeth removed without anaesthetic on a regular basis.
Great stuff as usual HH
Ta for all your input over the year – same goes for the posters – much appreciated. Nice way to start ma working day here in downtown Oz.
MON THE HOOPS!!!
bondibrian
I feel guilty for being pretty mean with my input this past while. I opened my big gob about a year ago and told too many people I was retired. So I have spent the last twelve months busier than any time I was actually “working”. Now, before you try to work out how many hours I am doing, you need to calculate how many I did or perhaps did not do when employed. All I know is, I wish I was heading off in the mornings like you just for a damned rest. No matter, I could not let pass the opportunity to wish you and all of yours a very happy and joyful Christmas and no worries for the New Year. Wait and see, Ronnie’s going to the ball in January. I just hope he has players to go along with him and doesn’t turn into a pumpkin in July. Every best wish!!
H H
Desi
What an imagination! Or are you really still a big wain? I have a few parodies of some of your characters.
BUTTONS: Usually played by a bird dressed as a man mmmmm!
JEANNIE: Hides in a bottle until he gets the rub ‘o the green
CINDERS: Usually played by a wee lassie who always looks a bit off colour.
TIDOW WANKY: The name says it all.
TRICKY DICKIE: Always seen with a big fatcat on has lap.
PETER PANCAKE: An actual fat pussy and his friend BELLEND. Or is that just his bottom half?
JACK THE HAS BEAN: A fatcat laughing stock who spends his days up a gum tree.
AL ‘EE CASH COME ‘ERE BABY: A shady fatcat with no rear end so no one can catch ‘is tale.
AL A DIN WIS CHEAT: Mighty Saviour or Fairy Queen? It depends on what wing he enters and leaves from.
THE TWO TWISTERS: Suck up everything in their path and are not averse to an arse or two.
JAMMY TAKES THE BISCUIT: Happy to be dooked in any cup, anywhere, anytime.
ROBIN’S SON OF A BITCH CRUISER: Sails away into the far beyond with all his treasures and a collection of tapes whenever there is a whiff of trouble.
Then there’s me. BLOWHARD: A half deid aul pest that should be put down for the good of himself and all around.
I cannot compete, Desi and I don’t do “bold”.
Look out behind you! Too late, you’ve been properly MOTHER GOOSED.
H H