Dead Club Sketch – Homage To Rangers

A customer enters Hampden.

Customer: ‘Ello Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: ‘Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean “miss”?

C: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

O: We’re closin’ for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this club what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Scottish Blue…What’s, uh…What’s wrong with it?

C: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘IT’S dead, that’s what’s wrong with it!

O: No, no, ‘it’s uh,…it’s resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead club when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now.

O: No no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s restin’! Remarkable club, the Scottish Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful history!

C: The history don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead.

O: Nononono, no, no! ‘IT’S resting!

C: All right then, if it’s restin’, I’ll wake it up!

(shouting at the cage)

‘Ello Ello, Mister Rangers! I’ve got a lovely fresh tax dodge for you if you show…(owner hits the cage)

O: There, it moved!

C: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting the cage!

O: I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

O: I never, never did anything…

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) ‘ELLO RANGERS!!!!!

Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o’clock alarm call!

(Takes registration paper out of the cage and thumps it on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that’s what I call a dead club.

O: No, no…..No, ‘it’s stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

O: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was wakin’ up! Scottish Blues stun easily, major.

C: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That club is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not ‘alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged EBT.

O: Well, it’s…it’s, ah…probably pining for the press.

C: PININ’ for the PRESS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did it flat on its back the moment I got it home?

O: The Scottish Blue prefers kippin’ on it’s back! Remarkable club, id’nit, squire? Lovely history!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that club when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been alive in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that club down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent ’em apart and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

C: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this club wouldn’t “voom” if you paid half its tax bills! ‘IT’S bleedin’ demised!

O: No no! ‘IT’S pining!

C: ‘IT’S not pinin’! ‘IT’S passed on! This club is no more! It has ceased to be! ‘IT’S expired and gone to meet ‘is maker!

‘IT’S a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘it to the perch ‘it’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Its metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘IT’S off the twig!
‘IT’s kicked the bucket, ‘it’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible!!

THIS IS AN EX-CLUB. IT’S DEAD!!

(pause)

O: Well, I’d better replace it, then.

(He takes a quick peek behind the counter)

O: Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the shop, and uh, we’re right out of clubs.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

O: I got a press slug.

(pause)

C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it play football?

O: Nnnnot really.

C: WELL IT’S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?

O: Look, if you go to my mate’s shop across the Hampden corridor, he’ll replace the club for you.

C: Corridor, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same club shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Hampden, is it?

O: (with a fake mustache) No, it’s Falkirk.

C: That’s the bloody SFA for you.

0 0 votes
Article Rating
25 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moi
8 years ago

Excellent fresh slant on the Sevconians!

Dhougal
8 years ago

Dont know why he’s moanin so much he got it for a fiver !!! . ………..and look at all the animals he inherited with it …………oops that’s the bad bit about the deal innit !

Immigrant tottie pickers
8 years ago

Lmao… More obsessive non educated twits,

Scooter k
8 years ago

It’s amazing what beggers can do in their spare time. Create entire fantasy sketches based on nothing but their own shitey metaphors. Remember this, GLASGOW RANGERS IS A DEBT FREE CLUB.

Admin
8 years ago
Reply to  Scooter k

Glasgow rangers isn’t even a club anymore.

Scooter k
8 years ago
Reply to  Ralph Malph

Keep tellin yourself that buddy. HELLO, HELLO

8 years ago

Only problem here is, the customer, (Green) killed,(liquidated) the ex-club.

Scooter k
8 years ago

Rangers then, rangers now, rangers forever

Scooter k
8 years ago

WELL IF WE AREN’T RANGERS ANYMORE. Why do CELTIC fans still hate us.

Admin
8 years ago
Reply to  Scooter k

nobody hates you. Indifferent maybe. Good to have you on here, hell, you may even learn something.

Scooter k
8 years ago

I’ll tell u why, RANGERS IS A DEBT FREE CLUB. YAAASS

Scooter k
8 years ago

GLASGOW RANGERS

Barga bhoy
8 years ago

Does anyone else feel a wee bit sorry for poor scooter? His pain is almost tangible! Ah bollox who am I kiddin’ it’s funny as hell 😀

Scooter k
8 years ago

Don’t need to feel sorry for me pal. I’m no an immigrant

Barga bhoy
8 years ago

Chill out scoot, learn to relax & resist your odious Klan ways for the last day of the year. Btw, can badly type for laughing.

Scooter k
8 years ago

You like that 1 aye

Barga bhoy
8 years ago

Oops typo. Meant to be “hardly” type for laughing. See what I mean, you really are funny:-D

Scooter k
8 years ago

To be totally honest with u mate , nothin makes me more sick than people like u. I enjoy comin on blogs to tell all you monkeys what I actually think

Scooter k
8 years ago

We are the people

Scooter k
8 years ago

Then, now , and forever

Barga bhoy
8 years ago

First I’m your “pal” now I’m your “mate”?? Haud oan there scoot, don’t get too fresh!!

Scooter k
8 years ago

You are not my friend or my mate. I was also referring to u as a monkey

Barga bhoy
8 years ago

Hey Ralph, this guys quality. He’s got me in stitches. Although I think your “hell, you may even learn something” to him, is pushing the boat out, and a forlorn hope I’m afraid!

Admin
8 years ago

Aye, he’s great. and a lot cheaper than booking a professional comedian.

Scooter k
8 years ago

Forlorn. The person who made this article is forlorn. Hence why I just couldn’t help myself on this 1 particularly. Its unreal somebody has went to the effort to make this garbage. Happy new year

You mad about ETims or just plain mad? Why not buy the t-shirt at http://etims.spreadshirt.co.uk/