Ah the last day of the transfer window before it “slams shut”. A day when we feverishly hit the refresh button every ten minutes on the BBC website and then when home longingly stare at one of the beautiful ladies on SKY Sports while simultaneously muting out Jim Whyte’s God awful Jessie voice. Kirsty Gallagher has always been my favourite. Tiger Woods and I have a lot in common…well when I close my eyes.
It’s been a long time but as they say absence makes the fart smell stronger. Has anyone ever worked out who “they” are? Is it a wee group of corduroy clad people who meet every second Friday for a tea & scone in Byres Road and work out policy? Like a Partick Thistle supporters convention?
Now before we start a word of caution. Everything, we repeat everything, you are about to read is completely made up nonsense. Like David King ESQ GASL we lie for a living. There’s no semblance of truth or smidgen of reality. What appears before you is a complete figment of many fevered, some may say childish, imaginations.
OK now that’s clear let’s get cracking…..
The Commonwealth Games was a major success in Glasgow. Happy times. The sun shone warmly for the first week (locals call it summer) and thousands of lost tourists flocked to the Dear Green Place….bloody restaurateurs putting their prices up….greedy basturts! The east end of Glasgow surrounding Celtic Park had a major transformation and if we may say so ourselves Celtic Park is looking almost befitting of a place lovingly referred to as Paradise. Yes almost, as we hear the next stage in Parkhead’s glorious gentrification program….let’s call it State Aid II….will be revealed later this year. Talks with a number of key parties have been ongoing for some time and a wee birdie tells us ‘Priority Investment Location’ is the buzz words. But this is not a love song as Johnny Lydon would say…
We hear Her Majesty still cherishes the “Connolly 16” jersey she was presented with following her visit in 2014. God bless her.
So who’d be James Doleman for a day?
Patrick Roberts eighteen month deal done. But you know all that. What you didn’t know is his father Jason Roberts is a die-hard Celtic fan. Bigger hoops fan than Bruce Willis. God bless Alan Rickman. One of the good guys.
We’ve received an offer for Johansen of £3m plus add ons. Ronny doesn’t want to sell. I’d sell. Hell, I’d throw him on my back and carry him all the way to the English Championship. We jest of course. Stefan’s a great player who will only improve once the Alice band stops obstructing his sight.
We hear Wolverine has a new repeatable nickname at Lennoxtown…Marmite. Some players detest the six-pack flashing show off while others love the hairy Adonis. He’s very much an acquired taste. His passing drills and organisation is not in doubt, the manner of the message and lack of humility it appears is. Ronny loves him though and that’s all that matters…
Wee Gordon (along with McGhee) was sounded out as Ronny’s taxi did circles around the Forge car park. You really think McGhee was that desperate to go to Fir Park?
When Gordy let it be known he didn’t want to walk out on the national job…you watching Watty? The door also closed ajar on McCall and poor “smooth” Broadfoot wept. Panic over…for now! Ronny has been told if League secured he gets another shot at Champions League qualification but there’s a major split in the boardroom camp….ask Dale Winton. The suits are acutely aware of fans angst at Ronny’s failure with some vocally sharing those concerns. Ronny’s asked for more financial backing and has been given it budgetary and staff wise. Expect a new defensive coach of his choice to be arriving very soon. Kendo Nagasacki…Try the veal!
Incidentally, the club via its network of contacts put out the feelers out for other managerial candidates. It would have been unprofessional not to. Two names at the very top of it. David Moyes and a South American coach who surprisingly (to the club) made it clear he would like to talk if the role became vacant. This guy knows his football inside out and to the surprise of many knows Celtic and its history inside out. Like anything else in life a good manager asks for a good wage. You pay £350k a year and you are constrained to a limited level. You pay a Peter Lawwell annual wage and the door suddenly opens much, much further. Other challenge is Pedro is a control freak and doesn’t want the existing structure where he has the final say on everything messed around. You bring in an experienced & opinionated manager in the mould of Martin O’Neill and he wants to run the football “operation” his way. Something has to give if major change is to happen. As our man tires of saying, the most important person at a football club is the manager. Get that right and the rest follows or so “they” say…
The boy from Molde, Elyounoussi, we are definitely interested in but the summer is more likely if Ronny still the man….
John Park has known Steven Fletcher for a very long time. A very long time. Fletch has made his money and wants to return home and is willing to take a significant pay cut. Have we told you John Park has know him for a very long time?
Safe Standing all signed, sealed and delivered for next season. Work will commence immediately after our final home league game this season. The area will hold 3,000 spectators with space at the side of the seats to secure coffee cups, fake ID and pyro!
We also understand a request was made from one of those probably impacted by the loss of their seat in the new standing section. The person concerned demanded an old foggies section with tartan blankets, flasks and moanometer app to be provided…his request was met by a kindly club employee who advised him this section currently exists and is known as the main stand!
Young Jamesy’s partner has a year and a half left at Uni. He won’t move without her. Recent contract offer also better than expected.
Season ticket holders at Celtic Park, Southampton FC, have been admiring Nir Bitton since the Inter game last season. No bids on the table yet. One for the summer…..
3 new strips coming soon…Will a subtle tribute to a certain centenary celebration slip in anywhere? The new home strip will unsurprisingly be Green and White hoops top. A New white away top with green and gold trim will make up the second strip. As there’s no emerald green on the new balance colour charts we understand they are presently looking at options. Black is firm favourite as they sell the most but with a twist. Bo Jackson inspired hoops!
Remember the old school tales of certain Celtic stars being chased out of the pub by an angry Jock Stein who had been tipped off by various spotters around town? Well it seems Ronny didn’t need such a network for Tony Stokes. We’re told he just needed to walk into St Vincent’s “Boston Irish theme Bar” in the city centre and look for the bold Tony awaiting a Rebs night sitting with a bunch of dodgy looking folk in assorted states of leisure apparel. Apparently the word gear may have a few applications there. Oh Tony, if only you liked Bothwell!
We can’t be the only people confused with all the Rangers or Sevco court cases. Confused? You will be. It’s like an episode of ‘Soap’. One for the Auldies! What’s the world coming to when you can’t go onto Twitter without finding out they are in court again? We hear even the judicial system are laughing at their antics and are considering renaming one of their courts the ‘Sevcourt’ in honour of their familiarisation with the place. Too much happening for our simple minds (81, 82, 83, 84…court cases) to get our heads around. We have been told though the main ‘football’ to keep an eye on is when Ashley takes the SFA to court. Fireworks galore…
Incidentally, a wee birdie tells us Sevco have approached James Doleman and asked if he’d consider working for the club full time as their court correspondent.
‘Club’ keen to get more game time for Allan who is not developing on the bench.
La la la la la la la America. Bit of Westside Story there for the one cultural person among you! We are told Florida next January and New York, Boston and Toronto summer of 2017 is on the cards.
Robert Snodgrass, if he can show that the injury hasn’t buggered him, is very well thought of and his recent property dealings are not thought to be coincidental.
Is Airdrie really the closest pitch from East Kilbride? Best not to ask a certain Comms guy at Hampden who we hear had Google Maps working overtime when Hamilton made the SFA look even more stupid.
GMS loan back to Dundee United is on the table.
Competition time…What’s gonna be highest by season’s end? The number of consecutive home Cup draws or the number of penalties awarded to ‘Rangers’?
As if he can’t score enough, a wee birdie tells us she spotted the Griff on Tinder the other week. As The Beatles sang:
“I don’t care too much for money
I just want my hole”.
Horrible suggestion we looked at Haris Vuckic of Wigan and former darling of Kinning Park.
Anyone seen The Big Short where 4 conscientious bosses take a stand against a corrupt establishment’s abuse of the system and the common man? Apropos if nothing… if you’re also wondering why it’s all gone quiet regards the recent “4 clubs chairmen demanding justice”…well it’s a combination of lawyers citing possible contempt of court during certain ongoing cases…whilst behind the scenes a graceful Hampden departure (i.e well pensioned scapegoat) is in motion and also of course there’s a series of mitigating actions being offered to help certain club chairmen facing a real emergency come May 2016. Will it be Win win? Don’t hold your breath.
Depending on the outcome of BDO’s request to take to appeal the recent court judgement finding Rangers 1872-2012 guilty of tax avoidance / evasion (delete as appropriate), we understand if they are told to beat it a civil action will be raised against the bowling club mafia at Hampden Towers if they refuse to re-open the LNS ‘investigation’ into cheating. Crowd funding is a wonderful concept nowadays.
Does Andy Murray now really have a very big soft spot for Celtic? After his recent tour of Paradise with the GB tennis team (we can’t be the only ones reading that thinking….the Green Brigade have a bloody tennis team!) he was blown away. The fact GB coach Leon Smith is a massive Celtic fan also played no small part of it with Celtic now joining Hibs and Barca as Andy’s favourite teams. We also hear Andy’s insisted is his lovely wife gives birth to a boy she’s to name him Henrik!
On the Henrik front are you aware that as well as scoring an incredible number of goals for Celtic he also has one other notable thing in common with Jimmy McGrory? Their middle name! James Edward McGrory and Henrik Edward Larsson. All you fans out there looking to have more kids…if next weans a boy make sure the middle name is Edward and the rest is history!
Emilio away at the end of the season. He absolutely loves everything about his time at Celtic but know it’s now time to move on.
If Rangers II reach the top division for the first time season ticket costs will increase by £50. U12’s season tickets will remain at £50 but will exclude those matches. We understand a healthy premium of £40 per match against Newco will be added for those wanting to take their kids.
We hear the tax man has been keeping an eye on those loveable Sons of Struth chaps (he didn’t have any kids fellas!) and their ‘business’ interests. Publicly selling merchandise ‘cash in hand’ is never a good idea chaps. You can blame Chris ‘Union’ Jack from the Evening Times for that one as his mutterings brought it to their attention.
Talking about the Evening Times and the Herald football writers, we use the term football very loosely, in fact so loose it could be considered a wild Boer staggering drunk around a field full of spaced out rodents. Anyway, their cosy relationship with Chris ‘Love me for who I am’ Graham and Mark ‘Does my bum look big in this’ Dingwall has now reached the wider public domain following Spiersy’s GIRUY to the Herald. Chris, Matt and Martin all have an open line to the RST dafties and have been doing their bidding for some time. They’ve now made many enemies within their own publications and more importantly, far wider press circles. With the NUJ on their case and leading newspaper writers in England now taking an active interest everything they do now will be under utmost scrutiny. You fly with the crows…
A mix of loan and permanent offers received for McGregor, Rogic, Efe and as above Johansen. Efe was all set to leave but injury to Simunovic appeared to have curtailed that until the summer but we are sniffing about a late loan move for another centre back. We’ve been informed not to rule that out…
Leeds have made a public offer for Rogic but Ronny wants to retain and Championship clubs sniffing around McGregor who was a major success at Notts County a couple of years back. Wolves really keen on him.
Keep a keen eye on the above today as Ayer coming will depend on further moves out.
Plans for a new full size indoor pitch at Lennoxtown have been agreed. Expect to hear formal news on this in the next few weeks.
We hear new Bhoy Erik Sviatchenko had made an early positive contribution to the training ground so much so that we hear a new Bromance is on the cards to rival GMS and Armstrong. Mikael ‘Tache’ Lustig was best friends with Sami and lost his soul-mate after many happy times discussing whether Cubism or Dada was the most influential avant-garde movements….during one discussion we hear Broony and Griff thought they were talking about South American footballers who play in the French league. The Tache now has a spring back in his step as he and Erik can be seen sipping a single shot espresso while mulling over the Tate gallery calendar of future events.
Stokes out, Kazim in. One a striker who scores goals and talks back to the manager. The other a striker who doesn’t score goals and has been at more clubs than Frank McAvennie. As our man says, you work it out…
Across the city and we hear ‘the old lady’ was been getting assessed as is the norm for a forty year old structure. “No change from £12m” was the advice given from a friendly bluenose engineer. “Fuck, we get more back from Flo” came the sharp response. Who said they don’t do humour!
Those with a keen eye on the political manoeuvrings in European football will have noticed recent discussions about a further revamp of the Champions League. A new TV deal commences in two years time and the main protagonists want to see significant change based, not exclusively, but more akin to US sports franchise model. Their biggest issue is clubs with massive supports, great stadiums and worldwide brands are being denied entry to the competition due to pesky clubs being better than them. Who’d have thought it!
Bayern, PSG, Madrid and others are looking for more competition and by default more cash as they point around Europe and see not enough competition outside the EPL and its Billions of £s. Milan, Inter and Manchester United have recently missed out on the Champions League and it appears certain Chelsea will do so next season joined possibly once more by Man Utd and Milan. They see this as having a major impact on the ‘brand’ and to counter this want a guaranteed number of places set aside for teams with modern stadiums holding in excess of 50,000, a worldwide fanbase and have won the Champions League (European Cup) before. It was only a matter of time folks.
A defensive midfielder has been the talk of the steamie for months. Everyone at the club, including the players, agree a player who can sit and protect the defence is a must while the other players apart from the keeper and two centre backs run forward like dashing cavaliers on Eccies. We’ve been looking….and looking….and looking and are still looking. A good experienced head is the request. We’ve been in Spain a lot recently haven’t we? Keep your eye on the window countdown…..
Wee Gordon in regular contact with Lawwell to work with club due to large number of Scottish players at Celtic. Informal arrangement is some players will be allowed to miss friendly matches to assist with recovery due to the amount of games they play over a season.
Bankier and Livingston on the way out? We never told you…right?
Final word from our pish-stained source regarding the main topic of conversation in the boardroom. “If we give Ronny one more chance do you believe he will qualify for the Champions League”?
P.S. If you are unhappy with any of the content in the ETims Rumour Mill please send your complaints to Magnus Llewellin c/o The Herald Group in Glasgow. We understand he’ll run them past the Sevco board before telling us which parts to delete.
P.P.S. Late update on Resolution 12. The bowling club responded to a further letter in November saying they would deal only with Celtic. To get movement on this a decision was made in late December to go to UEFA and subsequently, when indictments came out (xxi and xix) to the PF. The bowling club were informed of the approach to UEFA and that ‘Charlotte’ is a potential witness and ‘his’ material is being readied for court. This info was given to the bowling club before letters were sent and the Res12ers were told progress had been made. That was two weeks ago. Currently awaiting a response from the bowling club what form progress is taking but if not satisfactory Res12ers will go to PF and UEFA. Everyone knows the Motherwell born billionaire lied in 2011. Twice in June and then in September. There is enough evidence to suggest the bowling club are at minimum negligent in 2011 and have failed to act since 2014. The fact that some of the names are in court for other charges is on the evidence, including the failure to supply HM with required documents, prevents all the evidence going on line. The bowling club are trying to make this an ‘Old Firm’ issue to divert from the real issue, which is gross misgovernance against the integrity of the game.
Our understanding is Celtic will have no option but to act when it all becomes public knowledge very soon.
You can follow us on Twitter at @ETimsnet with more updates on the transfer window this evening.