You know the hardest part of doing the diary ? Figuring out how to start.

My wife has a unique way of starting conversations, she just says “Are you actually fucking listening, fatty ? ”

Maybe I should work on a catchphrase or something.

Craig Gordons been in touch. He knows I’m into the yoga, and he’s asked me to help him get his own yoga project off the ground..

Big game coming up at the weekend, a noon kick off against Heart of Midlothian, a lovely name for a club, but a shocking shower of ,,,struggling for alliteration here…that follows them.

And lo, the media did strike a blow… lets play a game..

You’ve just got a new job…

amd you’ve top come up with a story-journalists don’t find stories, they “come up with them “- ahead of the Celtic Hearts game that will delight one side of your readership and annoy the other..

So, we need a Celtic player, and a negative twist…

Lets take the main man this season, Keiran Tierney, and lets say he’s been playing well, and as we all know, as soon as one of our players does well, a wee light goes on in the boardroom, and the directors can start ringing round for quotes on a swimming pool.

so, who would be looking at him… ach, thats easy…their scouts travel up with the Southampton No.1…

And bingo, you’re a top Scottish sports hack. ( sort of like being the number one sprinter in an old folks home )

Southampton eye bid for Celtic and Scotland starlet Kieran Tierney

but a headline isn’t enough , you need facts, evidence and named  sources, and… actually, you don’t..just run with it.

SOUTHAMPTON are plotting another big money summer raid at Celtic to add teenager Kieran Tierney to their old Bhoys club.

Tierney, 18, has enjoyed a whirlwind year after making his first team debut for the club 12 months ago — leading to a Scotland call-up.

The young left back, has now recorded 27 appearances for Celtic and his displays have attracted the interest of Saints.

He also made his Scotland debut in the first half of the 1-0 win over Denmark at Hampden on Tuesday night. Now Saints executive director Les Reed sees Tierney as an ideal back-up for first choice left back Ryan Bertrand, the England cap who cost £10million from Chelsea.

As a result, Celtic are getting ready to land West Ham’s Stephen Hendrie to fill the gap left by Tierney’s proposed departure as well as the expected exit of Honduras defender Emilio Izaguirre.

Izaguirre, 29, looks set to quit Parkhead this summer — ending his six-year stay — in order to fulfill his dream of playing in the MLS. 

See the next time you read a rumour mill and refer to it as shite, just remember this article. Its got more holes in it than a Dave King financial statement.

In the real world, Southampton are in talks with Ronald Koeman about his contract, but thats unlikely to piss any tims, to paraphrase Scottish sports editors everywhere.

So, with Tims heading towards the Erskine Bridge, how do we cheer up the Govan Gullibillies ?

Rangers hotshot Martyn Waghorn targeting return against Celtic in Scottish Cup semi-final  

Well, they’ll need someone to take their penalties.

Hang on, if their plan is to park the bus and hope for the best, how will they get them ?

And we all know what happened the last time they parked the bus…

so, here’s my headline that the MSM could use, which pretty much fits the criteria outlined above.

Dirty Fenian Bastards In Hampden Firebomb Plan

Anyhoo, the real reason Craig Gordon got in touch was to remoind everyone that he has now now notched up one hundred appearances since he came back from that career ending injury. Actually, he hasn’t been in touch at all, but i’ve still got my “want to be a Scottish sports journalist when I grow up ” head on.

But he has reached that milestone, and deserves credit, as do those at Celtic who put their faith in him, as paradoxically the one who came with an injury who gave us doubts turned out to be one pf the few who hasn’t done his best to increase the clubs health insurance premium.

“I was just looking to play one game again I just wanted to get out there and play and see how my body would hold up. In that first season, if I’d played over 10 games, I’d have been happy. But I ended up playing 55, which was beyond anything I had imagined after coming back. I didn’t think it was possible, but it was. I’m glad to have carried on.” 

“Probably after six or seven games with Celtic, I realised I was in pretty good shape, and that my reflexes were still what they had been before I didn’t feel weaker in any way – in fact I probably felt better than I did previously, when I was maybe carrying injuries and trying to get through games.” 

Whats next for the big keeper ?

“I’d love to save a penalty, if only I could get the chance in the Scottish cup semi final ” he didn’t say, but you know he’ll get the chance anyway.

Well, thats up to the ref. what do you reckon, Mr Thomson, will Craig get his chance ?

Aw, bless him.

Oh, hang on, maybe not. That sort of thing is frowned on at the SFA. And by Craig, it appears.

Politics now, and the Conservative Party have introduced a policy which could see them gain enormous ground in central Scotland, in the run up to the Holyrood elections..

They could lose their homes !

However, the writer here, clearly not a sports hack, did open with the words “pay back “, implying it wasn;t their money after all, and so therefore tits not their houses either, so [pardon me if I show little sympathy to their plight…

Just to help out here, , the Record, who for the last four years didn’t have anyone who understood this issue, have now hired an expert… and he’s laid it out in nice big colourful pictures so that everyone can be clear o

Oh, its like one of those game shows where you can pick out a celebrity and he comes out with a witty one liner and helps you answer the tricky question, usually along the lines of ” what colour socks are you wearing ”

In fact, we could maybe do something like that…

I pick Neil McCann, and I’d like to ask him to help me answer this question

“How the fuck did you become a football pundit ? ”

You’ll notice that the sports section isn’t covering this story.

Perhaps their inability to report fairly and without fear has finally backfired and now the London offices have taken it off them….

Fortunatley for the Record, Barry  Ferguson, who could lose up to a million pounds of money that wasn’t his in the first place, could offer his thoughts in his next column….

Oh, by the way, did you see this…