Better Call Paddy

Dear Paddy, I was smacked in the street for being pished and shouting verbals. I then fell over. Was I out of order?

Lukasz, Germany

Paddy responds – Fell over? Call yirsel a man FFS. I’ll come oe’r there, cut off yir mangina and feed it tae my Goldfish. Feck yie!

Dear Paddy, I was lying down counting the grass when this brute stuck his foot in my ear causing it to bleed. I reported it to my manager. What would you have done?

Emilio, Glasgow

Paddy responds – Reported it tae yir manager?  Was yoor name Whiskas at school for being a big feck aff pussy? Feck yie!

Dear Paddy, I was subbed last week and threw a tantrum. I shouted and pointed at Wolverine in the open glare of the public. I then apologised for my behaviour. Was I wrong?

Kris, Parkhead

Paddy responds – Apologised? I’d have stuck his fecken claws so high up his arse they’d have come out his mouth and ah’d a used them as a battle opener fur my beers. Feck yie!

Dear Paddy, I feel like I’m losing control. My team are arguing and fighting and it’s getting out of hand. What do you think I should do?

Ronny, Lennoxtown

Paddy responds – What would ah do? Fur starters, ah wouldny stand aroon like a wummin on’er fecken bad week. Ah’d get ma lighter an set aboot the basturts burning the hairs on thur baws & would keep gawn fur as lang as it took me to smoke 20 tabs and drink 6 cans. Feck yie!

Dear Paddy, people keep asking me to show my money but I don’t have much. I’ve tried every con in the book but the only idiots who haven’t sussed yet are Rangers supporters groups. Would it be bad of me to take their money?

Dave, South Africa

Paddy responds – Would it be bad of yie? Rangers yie say? Feck naw. If the eejits are daft enough to believe yie then they deserve feck aw. Ugly inbred stupid mono-browed fecks that they ur. Feck thum!

Dear Paddy, I have an EBT. Do you think I should come clean about how I plan to pay it back?

Neil, c/o SKY

Paddy responds – An EBT? The last guy ah knew who had one ah them jahned the French furrin legion. Didn’t help as his boaby still fell aff 6 months later. Feck yie!