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The worst Celtic XI in my lifetime

 

Hedman

Gillespie – Du Wei – Scheidt

Slater – Juninho – Berkovic – Blinker

Biggins – Bangura – Cascarino

Everyone loves a best of. Jesus, Channel 4 is forever showing the Top 20 ‘somethings’ on TV. I believe the schedule for the next 3 months includes the Top 20 Farts on All Creatures Great & Small, Top 20 Girls With Moustaches and the utterly ridiculous Top 20 Moments From Noel’s House Party. They should do a worst of…

And this got me thinking… We always debate who the best players we’ve seen in a Celtic shirt were. However, I’ve heard some horror stories about some of the crap we’ve had and Jock’s proclamation that the shirt doesn’t shrink to fit inferior players has been proven wrong on a fair few occasions. But half the players mentioned didn’t play in my era, so what about the worst Celtic XI of my lifetime? Well, here goes.

Firstly, the criteria doesn’t just align to actual ability, it is also includes a “disappointment factor” which is completely of my deigning. This means I can include anyone I like just because I can. So, if I decided that Henrik should have scored 65 goals per season he therefore makes my worst XI. Now, before I have to board-up the windows in my house, he doesn’t.

I have gone for a 3-4-3 formation as it absolutely suits the players I want to include down to the ground. My era starts in the late-80s. I know, I look much older.

In goals I shoot for the calamity that was Magnus Hedman. The Swedish ‘stopper’ arrived with a sizeable reputation and the kind of burd that would need a crowbar to get you off. Alas, after a successful spell in England with Coventry the eccentric chap fell out with said burd and ended up turning in the kind of performances, especially in the ECL, that would have Celtic fans praying for Rab Douglas to be brought back. He was that bad.

In my back three we have Gary Gillespie. The cultured centre-half arrived from Liverpool with a swathe of Scotland caps and reputation for being a ball-playing defender in the George Connolly mould. He left Parkhead on stretcher after injuring a toe-nail whilst changing his socks.

Beside Gillespie Du Wei gets a place. The hapless Chinaman is proof positive that Peter Lawwell does have an Asian shirt seller quota to fill at Celtic. And, of course, no Celtic worst XI would be complete without the epitome of an awful buy, Brazilian, ahem, internationalist Rafael Scheidt. Scheidt by name, shite by nature. The cumbersome looking dude made his debut against Dundee and was swiftly hooked at half-time. His next few appearances would be at a clinic for DNA tests. Meantime, if Fergus McCann had still been at Celtic at the time of Scheidt’s signing I am pretty certain the wee man would have sued Ronaldo (the fat one) for his description of Scheidt as a ‘future captain of Brazil’. This testimonial was a key factor in Rafael getting past the visa authorities.

The four-man midfield has on the left Regi Blinker. Now, some will criticize this selection but this wastrel annoyed the arse off me. First of all, we swapped Paulo di Canio for him (plus some cash for the biscuit tin admittedly). More galling was the fact he had ability. I remember a particular game at Ibrox, cup semi-final against Dundee United (I think, I was drunk…) where he ran the show. Then came one of his prolonged bouts of ‘cold’. Rumours that his cold was generally brought on by white powder – not snow – have never been founded.

On the other wing is the £1.75m signing Stuart Slater. Dear, oh dear. If I remember rightly he scored 1 goal in 4,171 games for Celtic. Against Motherwell? Arrived with fanfare left with a posse of fans saying no fair.

The middle includes a couple of star names. Juninho Paulista was a player who should have been able to pick teams apart in Scotland. He was a Brazilian world cup winner. Then again, Stephane Guivarch has a world cup winner’s medal. However, after a promising debut against Rangers in which he picked up MotM, Juninho was to be posted missing so often that Martin O’Neill eventually called in Chuck Norris and MIA5 was made to find him. A disappointment.

His midfield partner was a disappointment and a dick. Eyal Berkovic looked good until Henrik got injured against Lyon and we quickly realized it was Henrik who was making the Israeli look good. We had Lubo and wasted £5m+ on a wee arsehole who thought it was OK to make obscene gestures to Celtic fans after he scored as he wasn’t happy about the grief he was getting. Unforgivable and alongside Stan being played at right back these are my abiding memories of the Dalgish/Barnes Dream Team. Says it all.

BTW: I’ve left Tommy Gravesen out of the midfield as he is mad-mental and would track me down. Do not slag him in the comments.

Up front, well, Wayne Biggins has to be included. I don’t really remember much about the former Conference Window Cleaner. But when a player becomes a by-word for how bad we were between 1989-1996 then he must have been worse than Davie Moyes.

The only current player in the team is Mo Bangura. Mo has been sent back to Sweden with a banjo and a picture of a cow’s arse and has been told not to come back until he has hit it. Several times. After that he progresses to Barn Door practise. Oh, and if he is 23 I am 14.

And making up the front-three is Tony Cascarino. Hapless. Hopeless. The candid big Irishman (of a sorts) was a marquee signing in his day. The reality is the only endearing thing you can say about him is we somehow managed to swap him with Tom Boyd, which today would be like swapping Mo Bangura for Nemenja Vidic. Listen to our latest podcast for Hector Bandido’s description of Cascarino’s first Celtic goal. Sums it up really.

So, that’s my Worst XI. Would probably still win the league this year. Drop us a tweet @etimsnet or leave a comment below if you want to argue. I won’t reply anyway, but it might make you feel better.

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Lenny Bruce
10 years ago

No Scott Marshall!

Andy Payton, mark McNally. Dare I say Peter grant….

For what it’s worth, my 11 below…..

Headman

McNally. S Marshall. Mccahill.

Grant. Fernando. Hannah. Hayes. Galloway

Payton. Camera.

Can’t believe I am so light on players from the 90’s. Probably the 5% Dutch lager from tesco!

Will undoubtedly pick a totally different 11 tomorrow.

Admin
10 years ago

Gordon Marshall

Mo Camara Gary Gillespie Willie Garner Danny fox

Stuart Slater John Dowie Eyal Berkovic MarcAntoine Fortune

Ian Wright Tony Cascarino

Its a testament to Craig Levein that he has picked one of these for Scotland.

Liam Brady would be manager, with Tony Mowbray as head coach. Desmond white would be the club chairman, with Terry Cassidy back as chief executive. Alan MacDonald could look after commercial activities, with jock Brown dealing with the press. I’m off to bed now, and i probably won’t sleep.

10 years ago

how can ye leave will o flood out?
hedman,,pick any right full before marc wilson, mastroniviech,scheidt,kelvin wilson,stuart slater, the mercurail willo flood,mo camara,biggins,ian wright,,and the bloke who scored the winner in the cup final v dunfermilne a few yrs back, name escapes me… subs..willo supersub flood. capt is willo flood

Malcolm
10 years ago

Why has no one mentioned old time bomb Tebily? Has the trauma blanked him from your memories.

Malcolm
10 years ago
Reply to  Malcolm

And Dr John Reid. Doh

Althetim
10 years ago

I cannot believe some of you have included Peter Grant and Mark Wilson in your nightmare squads. Hing yer foolish heids in shame.

Hedman
Fillipi
Garner
McGugan
Scheidt
Hayes
Sinclair
Falconer
Flood
Bangura
Du Wei

I know Du Wei isn’t a forward but a place has to be found for him in any pish team.

simon
10 years ago

hedman was a complete star comparred to the appalling Ian Andrews totally useless. Slater has to be in this side with the terrible Baggins

Stll_Shouting
10 years ago

No mention of McKnight, or the worst central defender we ever did have – Pierce O’Leary, both Camara’s, Henri and Mo deserve a shout and try I might I just cannot forget how dismal Stephan Henchoz was at Celtic.
Finally I throw in Paulo DiCanio, not because he was a bad footballer, but because he was a selfish twat who never thought of team and had the bad habit of imploding or under performing in the big games.
Even guys like Darren Jackson and Steve Guppy left with league winners badges, DiCanio couldn’t plot a way past Falkirk despite two shots in a semi final.

Stevie
10 years ago

Du wei played one game, Schmidt played 6. Some of you guys obviously must be absolute geniuses. Scheidt won a Brazilian League winners medal after he left us. How about picking a team without referring to the Scottish Tabloids, Morons. Kerr,Fillipi, Moyes, Munro, Sinclair, Colquhoun, Grant, Jarosic, Blinker, Juninho and Mizuno. Beat that, retards

Stevie hamill
10 years ago

Du wei played one game, Schmidt played 6. Some of you guys obviously must be absolute geniuses. Scheidt won a Brazilian League winners medal after he left us. How about picking a team without referring to the Scottish Tabloids, Morons. Kerr,Fillipi, Moyes, Munro, Sinclair, Colquhoun, Grant, Jarosic, Blinker, Juninho and Mizuno. Beat that.

Althetim
10 years ago
Reply to  Stevie hamill

Why Grant?

WHY???

Did you ever actually see the guy play?

As a matter of interest, how old are you?

ektim
10 years ago
Reply to  Althetim

Agree with AlTheTim, Peter Grant does NOT belong in this team.

ToTo
10 years ago
Reply to  Althetim

Watched Celtic all through the seventies eighties and nineties
Peter Grant was in my opinion the most overrated player to wear the hoops in that time
That’s my opinion

Tony P
10 years ago

Ljunberg surely? The guy was a doughnut.

Arrived with a reputation as an injury-prone washed-up has-been…and didn’t disappoint. Dreadful signing!

joker
10 years ago

Althetim have to agree with Mr Hammell on Grant and I am unfortunately old enough to have watched him during his 13 years he wore the hoops yes 13 years!He could not pass he could not tackle and lived off an undeserved rep as a hardman.When faced with old co hammer throwers like Hurlock and ferguson was generally on the other side of the park avoiding them.Had one good game in about 5 seasons in the cup final against Airdrie in 1995 would give him that.Generally though this guy was guff.Have met him at celtic functions and he’s a sound bloke,top tim etc but so am I and 50000 other punters.

Althetim
10 years ago
Reply to  joker

We must agree to differ joker, Peter Grant was a decent player for Celtic in my opinion. I watched him make his debut and attended his testimonial and NO WAY does he belong in this team. But football is all about opinions. The great Billy McNeill thought Graeme Sinclair could play and I disagreed with that opinion too. He was complete mince, one notable match excepted.

ToTo
10 years ago
Reply to  joker

Couldn’t have put it any better

Tony P
10 years ago

oh and how’s about having a Celtic ‘Arseholes XI’, comprising folk who regardless of ability either had or how have such a stinking attitude they should never have worn the Hoops…

gordon Marshall, ian wright, viduka, berkovic, burley, van hooijdonk, di canio would be some of the first names on my teamsheet

Jock Tamson
10 years ago
Reply to  Tony P

arseholes 11… don’t forget liam miller, will you?

10 years ago

andrews,
fillipi, gillespie, schiedt, camara
hayes, galloway, munro, sinclair
biggins, cascarino

Dick Byrne
10 years ago

Mark Wilson & Peter Grant?
*shakes head in utter exasperation*

AndrewH
10 years ago

What about Chris Killen, that waste of space we took off Hibs? I’d have him in my team before a lot of these guys.

Who would be the manager? The three obvious candidates are Macari, Barnes and Mowbray.

Mowbray p’ed me off with his inability to react to anything, especially when that rat Lafferty halved Andy Hinkel right in front of him.

Barnes was just clueless but p’ed me off later when he claimed racism was a contributing factor to his sacking. Aye, very good ya pie.

Macari is out on his own though for two things – releasing Given and signing Muggleton but more importantly for his first match at Ibrox when Brian O’Neil scored a last minute winner. Wee Luigi was screaming at the team to take a short corner and play the clock down to take the draw rather than going for it. Fortunately a bout of selective deafness swept the team and we got a rare victory.

bogbhoy
10 years ago
Reply to  AndrewH

i’d have Lennon as manager, the worst manager in my life time,complete waste of space, scott brown, samaras and charlie mulgrew would make it into my worst 11

Norman MacIver
10 years ago

What about Jim Slavin, only centre half av seen that couldn’t run or jump. Paul McGlaughlin &Mark Smith make up my 3 amigos..

Dominic
10 years ago

I find it a bit harsh (perhaps justified!) to through guys like Du wei into things like this with only one appearance. This has been a discussion in work a few times and due to being consistantly mince mine in a 442 would be.

Douglas
Cha, Caldwell, McNally, Braafheid
Sylla, Sno, N’Guemo, Blinker
Killen, H.Camara

Notable subs woulod be Flood, Murphy, Falconer, Biggins, Lee Martin, Hannah, Mo Camara

Frank-W
10 years ago

Bangura ! the guys had about 3 starts and got injured in the 3rd one.

Ian Andrews

Joe Filippi
Ian McWilliams
Wullie Garner
Roy Kay

Barry Smith
John Dowie
Frank Murno
Eddie Munster

Jim Melrose
Wayne Biggins

Admin
10 years ago
Reply to  Frank-W

Eddie Munster…hahahaha….classic!

Raymobhoy
10 years ago

Think Johnny Vaughn was saying “Any right full BEFORE Mark Wilson” and therefore not Mark Wilson himself.

Definately Mr 80% Viduka is worth a shout for bad attitude,
plus although Balde was popular, always gave me jitters when he tried to play it on the ground.

Cant leave out Momo “six kness” Sylla either.
Cheers

10 years ago
Reply to  Raymobhoy

aye u are correct mate.. any right full before willo.. who put nguemo in their worst xi? really, tut tut, liked the chap personally..have been way more duffers than him?? no?

10 years ago

Gen up, but I thought Du Wei was better than McGugan & Baillie!

Althetim
10 years ago
Reply to  MarkyBhoy

High praise indeed……..ma granny’s better than that pair.

Jock Tamson
10 years ago

1. ian andrews

2. paul telfer
3. graeme sinclair
4. olivier tebily
5. paul mcgugan

7. juninho paulista
6. gary f’n caldwell
8. steve fulton
11. stuart slater

9. ian wright
10. darryl murphy

subs

12. gordon marshall
14. edson braffheid
15. martin hayes
16. mo bangura
17. harald brattbakk

ps, sorry to harald, you did score the second v st johnstone, but you came back to haunt us which is why you sneaked in in front of another championship clincher, tommy johnson.

bogbhoy
10 years ago

scott brown
scott brown scott brown scott brown charlie mulgrew
scott brown scott brown scott brown scott brown
scott brown scott brown
thats my worst 11, on the bench id have scott brown

ToTo
10 years ago
Reply to  bogbhoy

Methinks you may be a spy in the camp

Bigdelboy
10 years ago

What about Zheng Zhi????

Timothy
10 years ago

Juninho and Berkovic were far from being bad. The first one couldn’t adapt to the Scottish game and the latter one was a dick though. And one could argue that the likes of Kharine, Gould or Douglas were worse than Hedman

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