Only Nae Excuse

Desimond submitted some pieces to Only An Excuse but they didnae make the cut, here they are :

 

Andy Murray 1

Wimbledon crowd, camera appears to move up and passed a person we assume to be David Cameron

V.O

“And theres the Prime Minister standing to applaud this wonderful Andy Murray Win

And Behind the Prime Minister, there is Alex Salmond, the First Minister for Scotland.

Mr Salmond appears to be bringing something out from his wifes handbag, what can it be?”

Cue Alex Salmond opening up a sheet that READS :

HEARTS
YA
BASS!

 

 

Craig Levein 1

Interviewer

Craig Levein, were you happy to see Andy Murray win Wimbledon?

 

C.L ( pure dour voice and look)

Aye, I was so happy I near opened a tin of peaches.

 Mental me, pure mental!

 

 

 

Alex Ferguson 1

A.F

What have I been doing in my retirement after Man United.?

Just normal old folk stuff, look Ive even taken up knitting.

 I’ve did this for wee Wayne!

 

Holds up some knitting it looks like Wayne Rooneys new hair.

Puts in on a models head and places Rooney headband round it, pats it like a Werthers  granddad

 

 

 

Alex Ferguson 2

Being interviewed as he sits playing dominoes

A.F

Have I found it easier now that Im retired from Man United.? Och Aye.

Looks down at his dominoes, suddenly flies into a rage

What?, Im f<BLEEP>ing chapping a <BLEEP>ing gain

 Thats <BLEEP>ing it!,

You  can ram your fu<BLEEP>ing dominoes!

Throws Dominoes down and crashes tables etc in a mental rampage

Come Back Here, I’ll<BLEEP>ing hairdryer you alright!!!

 

 

Ian Black is Betting Bad…

Intro in Breaking Bad style…( possible taking letters from Bookies Signs) to make

BETTING
  BAD

Voice over

It all started so easy. A man content with his life and his career. Then one wrong turn leads to another and next thing he knows he is in hell, or the 4^th Division as it was known in Scotland. Thinking his life is all but over, he gets desperate. Desperate, even though he knows, if he gets caught, it really is all over…

Camera towards Man in Rangers jersey, ‘Black’ name on back, camera passes over shoulder shows man amongst array of football coupons

 

Female Voice

But Ian Youve been banned..how can you put a bet on now?

 

I.B

Dinnae worry!

I’ve came up with the perfect disguise. This plan is full proof!

 

Cue Black adopting the Heisenberg look….comical Rangers version of hat etc

Cut to  Sovereign ring  wearing Hand pushing a Bookies(Badbrokes?) door open, bells rings on door

Bored Cashier hears bell and looks up….stares in shock, Ian Black in the full Heisenberg look…with official Rangers hat/shades  Black approaches Counter,  passes big bunch of football coupon slips over…cashier processes astounded

Cashier

And err how will be you paying this time, ( checks slips) err Mr White?..

I.B

Do you take Rangers Club debit card?

Zoom into Rangers card with the name Ian Black on it

 

Charles Green 1

Charles Green being interviewed at a car window outside Ibrox Stadium

C.G

Well as I always said..

Charles Green wouldn’t be leaving Ibrox until the Champions League music was playing over this ground!

And as everybody knows, Charles Green is a man of his word!

Now if you’ll excuse me..

 

Camera backs out as CG puts up an Ice cream vendors hat, drives off and we hear  the Zardok the Priest tune as his Ice cream van drives away with “Charlie Chuckles Ice Cream ( Sevco 1972) Ltd on back”

 

 

Ally McCoist 1

Ally McCoist standing in bookies (could be called  BADBROKES etc)

AMcC

Do I think the whole Ian Black issue was badly handled?. Oh Aye.

I think its clear  that the SFA rulebook is to blame. Rangers fans can see that its no wee Ians fault.

Im not one to tell the SFA their job but they came out and said footballers aren’t allowed to Bet.

Well what about Jim Bett? Eh?

What about Mixu Put A line Oan?

See what I mean?.

 Say no more!

 

 

Commonwealth Games

Voice over style advert for Commonwealth Games, open on Games style graphics then

V.O

The Commonwealth Games are coming to Glasgow

Have you applied for your Glasgow 2014 tickets yet?

Remember Glasgow has something for everyone!

Theres:

CYCLING!

(Show House Recycling Bins…with a Bottle Bin totally over-flowing)

SQUASH!

(Show intense Queue outside East End Food Bank/ Post Office waiting anxiously for it to open)

SHOOTING!

(Show a bunch of junkies lying comatose in a drugs den)

FENCING!

(Show 2 Neds with knives giving it “Mon then!” to each other)

WEIGHLIFTING!

(Show 3 binge drinking lassies with one of them being helped up by struggling pair)

AND EVEN WRESTLING, GYMNASTICS & DIVING!

(Show Frankie MacAvennie walking away with girl on arm, looks back smiling with wink\raised eyebrow)

 

V.O

Glasgow 2014- Getting down with the Commonwealth Games!!

 

 

 

 

Kenny Dalglish 1

Camera on Kenny Dalglish with a big Scottish Independence Referendum 2014 background

K.D

Will I be voting Aye or Naw in the Referendum?

(ponders for a wee while)

Is there a Mibbees?

Kenny Dalglish 2

Camera on Kenny

K.D

Ahm a Surprised Gordon Strachan cannae find a position for wee Jordan?

He should ask Dwight Yorke, he never had any problem finding one

Proclaimers 1

Movie Style advert with  voice Over introducing big new movie for Proclaimers fans

V.O

This Year sees the movie the Proclaimers fans have all been waiting for!

Cue “My Heart was broken..” intro from Sunshine on Leith)

Show ’Hearts go Bust’ Headline outside Tynecastle with Hibs fans (or Proclaimers?)  in joy behind)

See and hear Charlie and Craig Reids music hit the big screen with hilarious results

Cue “Sorrow Sorrow..” excerpt from Sunshine on Leith

Shows Hearts fans head in hands with Hibs fans doubled up in laughter behind

See the movie that includes all the big Proclaimer hits

Cue “I would walk 500 Miles”

Show Hibs fans laughing at pitiful Hearts fans holding up a Sponsor Sheet/Sponsor Walk Banner

“Im on My Way”

Cue.. from misery to happiness today.. lyric

Show Hibs fans laughing at Hearts Wind Up Order in Court Newstand Headline

“King of The Road “

Show Hibs fans on Easter Road shaking hands and cut to For Sale sign at Tynecastle

Sunshine in Leith.. Available now ( quietly) but only in certain areas in Edinburgh

 

Scotsport 1

Dougie Vipond, or similar, whoever does BBC Football these days as anchor

D.V

Some people are saying, Scottish Football is a joke.

Pat Nevin, They are even saying our Analysts have hit rock Bottom?

Show Pat Nevin as one of the Minions wearing dungarees and big glasses from Despicable Me

P.N

Bottom! ( sniggers away like character in the movie!)

D.V

( sighs then continues)

Thanks Pat, as insightful as ever.

John Collins Is this criticism fair?,

 is it right to say our football analysts are almost cartoon like these days?

 

Show John Collins as Wolverine with exaggerated ( not that much needed!) hairstyle

J.C

GRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

( flashes metal talons then tries to use them to comb his hair)

D.V

Err we’ll take that as a No then, back to the weather!

 

 

 

 

Proclaimers 2

Camera on a bunch of Hibs fans with posters for Sunshine on Leith movie behind, Hibs fan faces camera

Hibbee

Do we have a favourite Proclaimers Song?,.

Och thats easy

They all start singing in style of Sunshine on Leith

ALL Hibbees

The Hearts are Broken!, The Hearts are Broken!

Cue mock rubbing of eyes, holding up Hearts Administration Headined newspapers etc

Sorrow, Sorrow, Sorrow Sorrow!

The Hearts are Broken!, The Hearts are Broken!

(All make praying gestures to the heavens)

Thank You! Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!!

 

 

Dragons Den 1

Advert for a new Scottish Football version of Dragons Den, Evan Davis style voice over the typical Dragons Den intro or Jonathon as Evan Davis to camera

E.D

Hey there!

Are you a budding entrepreneur? Do you have what it takes?

Would you like to be the next big thing?

If so then Scottish Football Dragons Den want to hear from you

Come pitch your exciting money making ideas to our Experts!

 

Vladimir Romanov!

Cue Creditors rattling doors outside Tynecastle / bills lying on floor marked UNPAID etc

Show some Russian style bunker/Submarine with Vlad paranoid inside

 

Craig Whyte!

Show HMRC sitting on phone with Ibrox phone showing as disconnected from wall

Show some Puerto Rico beach with Craig Whyte in shades and Hawaii shirt  being paranoid

 

Sir David Murray!

Cue large “Industrial Shredders For hire” Van driving into Ibrox\Murray Park
Show a Private Jet taking off

E.D

Scottish Footballs Dragons Den, Everybodys OUT!

 

Could also have a twist on SFA\SPFL with Regan and Doncaster  trying to pitch the 5 Ways agreement

 

Breaking Bad 2

Breaking Bad style intro, with Voice Over

V.O

This Season, Ibrox Park Productions proudly present:

Walter Smith in Breaking Bad.

Shows Walter Smith packing his bag\box at his Ibrox Office desk

We see woman in doorway ala Skyler White

Skyler

Oh Walt, is this really what you want to do?

Watty

I’ve no choice…I have to do this!

 

Skyler

But Walt, Are you really breaking for good?

You’ve been back and forth so many times now no-one knows what to believe these days.

First it was Scotland for Rangers, then you left the Blue Knights for Charles Green, now your breaking away from his group too.

Are you off to join Jim McColl now?

Smith grabs stuff, shuffles passed and away, female turns watching him

Skyler

Oh Walt!

Cries out

I‘ll tell them to keep the car space for a week at least,

You’ll probably have been back and away twice by then!

 

 

Kenny Miller 1

Camera on Kenny Miller , Canada flag in background etc

K.M

Was I scared when I heard there was a big fat hairy bear slobbering about the hoose looking for food?

No really.,

 I used to room wae Kris Boyd when I was at Rangers!

 

 

Hearts 1

Show a  big queue of Hearts fans holding bundles of cash, all looking anxiously sideways up away from camera , a fan turns to face camera

Fan

Am I worried? Course Im no!  Theres a long way to go I know but I’m sure it will all be fine.

Nothing on earth will divert these guys attention. Look at this, you can tell that nothing else matters , Look at aw the Hearts fans falling over themselves today, it fair gies you a warm feeling alright!.

I know that all Hearts fans, everyone of us, reached for our wallets as soon as they heard the news this morning.

Lifts up wallet/cash and shows it to camera

Now if you’ll excuse me…

Camera pans back to show theyre all standing in long Krispy Kreme “Opening Day Sale” Queue.

 

 

 

The World Dour Championships

We see a table with Andy Murray facing Davie Moyes…Referee in middle with prompt cards

Voiceover

You join us here, in Scotland, for the Final of The World DourFace Championship. We’ve already seen the shock exit of second favourite Craig Levein along with the highly experienced veteran Jim Jeffries.

 Those men went out in the Semi Finals but now its the big one.

Champion for the last few years, Andy “NeverGlad-iator” Murray takes on the new Challenger, David “MoaningFace”  Moyes.

It looks like Murray has won the toss, just look at that stone-faced scour of joy on his face, and he elects to go first, over to the referee…

 

Ref

Okay, Mr Murray, Round 1,

You have just won the Olympic Gold Medal for the Mens Singles

How do you feel?

Cue Any Murray with furrowed brow, almost angry, shakes head disappointedly etc

Voiceover

Oh look at that, a masterclass in dourness. Total professional crabbitness personified

 

Ref

Okay, Mr Moyes. Everton give you permission to speak to Manchester United

Your reaction is?

Cue Moyes stone faced.

Voiceover

Oh the classic Moyes Face Blank. We’ve seen it so many time on the touchlines but it never fails to astound! Its Level pegging so far.

 

 

Ref

Andy Murray, You win Wimbledon, you’re the first Briton in 77 years to do so! What do you do?

Murray

I get out of there as soon as possible. I get home, sulk as I watch a video of my embarrassing performance and then I chastise myself for hours for getting some grass stains on my new trainers.

Voiceover

Wow, Murray digs deep and delivers a classic Calvinist Cringe manoeuvre.

Moyes is really up against it now! He has one last chance!

 

Ref

Okay Mr Moyes. You win the Community Shield in your first game for United. Its only the second trophy ever in your career. Your thoughts?

 

Moyes

Ive showed myself up by almost smiling when i walked the team out onto the park.  So I tell the wife, nae dinner for me, and nae nookie for 1 month, naw 2!

 

Voiceover

Wow, Moyes has came back of the ropes and landed a Nae-Shagging Uppercut,

Murrays gone, look at his face, its all over!

We see Murrays face in close-up,he’s almost sniggering

Ref

Game set and Match Moyes!

I pronounce Davie Moyes the winner ( raises Moyes reluctant hand)

 

Moyes

Bugger!

Moyes face is raging while we see Murray finally happy as he’s a loser again!

 

New Election

Crown gathered looking up ala St Peters Square style for new Pope Election, Presenter faces camera,

Presenter

So anytime now, all of those eagerly gathered here today, and all the followers world wide, will finally have their new leader.

Its been a tough and confusing time for everyone with the last leader only being in charge for such a short period. Soon the new Leader will walk up the famous steps and show himself to his people…( reaches to ear, nods)…

Oh and it looks like its done. Im told that we are seeing smoke… is there smoke, im told we can see white smoke,

Shows white smoke from chimney….we hear crowd begin to cheer

Presenter ( off camera)

Yes theres the white smoke, and yes, look here comes the Red smoke, and the Blue smoke

Shows red, white and blue smoke from chimney

 

And yes, we finally have the newly elected Rangers Chairman, oh listen to all of his beloved followers going wild..he will be on those famous steps now…

 

Cue a Craig Mathers\Jim McColl ( whoever is latest to be in charge) walking on the Ibrox Marble staircase and out to salute the crowd who we see are all Rangers fans not Catholics at St Peters

Leader

WE ARE THE PEOPLE!

 

 

New Royal Baby

We see the crowd gathered waiting behind the barriers. All waving Union jacks and clearly all royal lovers. Camera Men everywhere all looking towards the wooden doors  awaiting the Great reveal

We hear the Voiceover

V.O

And look at the loving crowd wave their flags in anticipation awaiting to see the Prince and Princess with the latest addition to the family

Some have been here for days. They’ll soon be rewarded of course.

So many here, theyve came from all reaches of the globe.

Here to witness, this truly wonderful and such a memorable occasion.

We’re hearing, yes, yes, its time.

The Prince and Princess have been spotted just at the foyer and they’re just about to come out.

This is it!

This is the moment the crowd and all the world have been waiting for,

Yes!

There theyre are, The Prince and Princess with the wonderful new arrival

 

We see doors opened, and Wills and Kate lookalikes standing there, no baby, instead they.hold up the arms of man in Rangers scarf ( Kate and wills could be wearing same)

V.O

We have a new Rangers Chairman!

Oh look at him, isn’t he a beauty!

Crowd go wild!

GTA V

Shop window shows GTA style posters. Crowd gathered anxiously,  One turns to face Interviewer

Interviewer

They say this is the biggest maddest one yet, what do you expect ?

Man

Oh its gonna be mental!

im wanting it to be usual nuts, loads of sleaze, plenty of action.

I just love  aw the mad fighting, its mental, its like another bizarre world.

Its brilliant when everybody is on the rob and wanting aw the money and it gets crazy and you see all the players turning on each other. .

They said there’ll be loads of that this year so I cannae wait,

 its going to brilliant! Utter bedlam!

 

Interviewer

And have you played Gran Theft Auto before?

 

Man

Gran Theft Auto?

Oh we’re no here for Gran Theft Auto

Camera pulls back to show its a queue for going into the Rangers AGM

 

Salmond\Sturgeon Rallying Call

A rallying call style rant from a politico, talking down towards a watching Scottish crowd

AS/NS

My Scottish Brothers and sisters,  I say No more of England says no!

I say No more. England telling us what we can and cant get

 Enough is enough!. We wont take this rejection any more!

Scotland, I say its time to say No more to this Oppression

We have put up with this long enough!

 I repeat Brothers and Sisters of Scotland

Its time that we said NO More and demand that England concedes to our demands!

 

Camera pans back to show were in a pub for Scotland England game and the Politico is on a chair with a bunch of blue Fivers in their hand wanting a bevy and shouting at the barman!

Now F*****G TAKE THESE SCOTTISH FIVERS YA BASS WE WANT A DRINK!!

 

 

Independence/Bedroom Tax

Pollster standing outside EPolling station, macca wanders along

Pollster

Sir, Do you mind if I ask you, who will you be voting for, Yes or No

Macca

Hmm…what one is it thats getting rid of the Bedroom Tax?

Pollster

Yes

Macca

That will do for me!

 

 

Ruth Davidson wants a Bevvy

Interviewer

Ruth Davidson, you have controversially said that you believe alcohol should be served at football grounds.,

Don’t you think this will cause problems?

R.D

Problems..couldnae get any worse could it!

 

Cue barman shaking his head at her ID at Bruce Springsteen Concert

 

 

 

Brad Pitt 1

Interviewer approaches Brad Pitt who is on World War Z Film Set Location..cameras, signs etc

Interviewer

Brad,  what made you come to Glasgow to film your movie?

 

 Brad Pitt

Well we needed somewhere with beautiful architecture, great facilities and  of course somewhere the locals could handle hundreds of crazy  zombies roaming the streets.

He turns back towards film set

Okay Folks, lets do that scene one more time. Positions!

Lights, Camera……Action!

Camera pans back to show the Orange Walk.

Walk plays the sash as they walk passed Pitt directing etc

 

 

Golf Clubs 1

Interior, Golf club, we zoom into on Frank MacAvennie who is in an armchair ala Rowley Birkin QC

FMcA

I don’t understaun aw this stushie aboot Men Only in Golf Clubs

I widnae read anything else!

Picks up Adult magazine and winks!

 

Golf Clubs 2

Gleneagles Hotel.. Frank MacAvennie passes.  “Ryder Cup” Sign…

FMcA

Dont Mind if I do!

 

Or alternatively interviewer asking Frankie if he wishes he was in The Ryder Cup..”In it?, I’d win it!”

 

 

STV/JOHN MACKAY

STV News / John Mackay on set..just wee sketch to highlight how all their show is just whats coming up later and cuts away all the time and of course, how John bellows his name

 

JMCK

IM JOHN MACKAY!

Coming up tonight, Sport with Raman

Cue Raman squeezed into very tight suit

RAMAN

Yes John, coming up..

JMCK

THANKS RAMAN! IM JOHN MACKAY!

And now the sport with Raman

RAMAN

Err Thanks John, Neil Lennon tells us..

JMCK

THANKS RAMAN!

IM JOHN MACKAY!
GOODNIGHT!

 

 

 

Celtic Finances

Peter Lawwell sits at deck with crest behind, discussing Financial Performance, interviewer asks..

Interviewer

So Peter, great financial results.

The Barcelona win, the Last 16 of the Champions League, they all helped the club make 20 million pounds.

Does the club hope to generate the same money this season?

 

Lawwell

The same?. Oh No, We’re definitely going to beat that figure this year!

 

Interviewer

Beat it? How come, more Player sales?

 

Lawwell

No..We’re gonna auction off Louis Tomlinson Sick on Ebay!

( hold up a bag of sick and shows large photo of One Directon star puking on grass)

 

 

 

Dunfermline 1

BBC Scotland News Presenter

And over to the troubles at Dunfermline now,

Chick Young is with Jim Leishman

 

Chick shown at a ‘Save the Pars’ Meeting, stands with Jim Leishman

 

Chick

Big Jim Leishman, do you maybe have a wee poem for the clubs ailments?

Leishman

Once a fair proud Pars club, fell short of luck and cash

Now get away before I shove that microphone, right up your

Chick

Back to the Studio!

 

 

Jim White 1

Cue Jim getting more and more anxious\excited at his Sky desk on Transfer Deadline day

JW

And here we are, its transfer deadline day….getting close now

Wow. now the countdown is really on!.

Oh Here we go, now we’re actually into the last 15 seconds of the transfer window…

Now final 10, 9, 8…6..5, 4,, 3, 2, 1..THATS IT!! THATS IT!

YA DANCER!!

All those 7 or 8 players Rangers, err, havenae signed already, can sign again, I mean for the first time and start playing. No more daft losses tae Forfar!

 

 

 

Jim White 2

Showing a Sky behind the scenes style show on Transfer Deadline Day

We see Jim getting ready etc. We then see him in chair at the make-up mirror

V.O

And there’s Jim White, now here in make-up preparing himself for the Transfer Deadline day.

Jim sees camera, nods and then he looks down at his phone

There’s Jim checking his latest messages..by now he will be seeing that the Scottish SFA have sensationally closed their Transfer deadline a day earlier than England.

This means Celtic wont have an extra day to spend any cash they make if the sales from Victor Wanyama and Gary Hooper go through as expected.

 

Cue Mirror and Jims face slowly lift up from phone with a big big Joker smile on his beaming face!

 

 

Celtic – Karagandy1

Neil Lennon faces camera and we can vaguely see we are with the Celtic Team at airport

Interviewer

Neil, do you feel your team are all prepared for the trip to Khazakstan

N.L

Oh im sure they are, show them lads

 

Rest of Squad all turn around to be seen  with moustaches, perm hair and they open Celtic trackies top and camera pans back to show with no bottoms and theyre all in green Mankinis ala Borat.

 

 

 

PPIbrox

Voiceover typical PPI adverts..debt letters intro etc

VoiceOver

Do you have Poor credit history? Money Problems? We can help!

Took out a loan and now you have some doubts about it?

We’ll we’re here to offer professional impartial advice?

Contact Imram Ahmed & Mothers Ltd Now!*

We’ll give you expert instruction in how to transfer money between accounts.

We guarantee that no-one will be able to understand what the hells going on but one way or another we will all walk away loaded!

Imran Ahmad & Mothers Ltd…send us 137 grand now!

 

*Alternative is have company named PPIbrox and have fast spoken disclaimer at the end “PPIbrox is trading name of Imran Ahmad & Mothers Ltd..dont call us, we’ll call you”

 

 

Jim Spence

Jim Spence, in Police  station, clearly shaken, being comforted with wife, he’s about to face a line-up

PoliceMan

Now I know this isn’t pleasant Mr Spence but it really could help.

All we want it for you to look through the mirror.

Don’t worry they cant see you, and tell us if you see the man that threatened you.

Can you do that for us?

 

J.S

It was horrible. I was terrified. I didn’t know if i was gonna survive

 

Policeman

I appreciate that Mr Spence, all the more reason for us to try and get this madman. What do you say, eh?

 

J.S

( comforted by wife at side)

Okay, okay, lets go

 

Policeman

into Intercom…

Bring them in

We hear footsteps, see legs pass, and then see Jim Spences face in fear, he starts to mumble and shake

 

J.S

Him, Him..thats him, Number 4, thats him, mammy daddy, thats him!

We see the line up…4 hard  gangsters and at Nbr 4 1 guy dressed as a barber holding his scissors

Barber

What, I only offered to cut Mr Spences hair…what, what?

Spence screams holding his large oversized barnet!

 

 

Nicola Sturgeon 1

Cue John McKay presenting Scotland Tonight Debate…

John Mackay

IM JOHN MCKAY!

On tonights Scotland Tonights Debate, Nicola Sturgeon was due to once again debate with Anas Sarwar but theres a change of schedule.

Nicola, MSP for Govan, will be up against a local rival, Mr Charles Green of Ibrox.

In this section, the panel get to ask their own questions direct,

Nicola, its you to go first..

 

N.S

I would like to ask Charles something that i know is on many peoples minds.

Who are these Investors he always talks about?

Can he tell me? Do they even exist?

 

C.G

Well, thats typical hogwash, as we say in Yorkshire, like bowling with  a whippet with 3 legs, best we all move on eh

NS ( stunned)

What?, Im just asking whose the investors, can you tell me Yes or No?

C.G

My Investors, my protestors, my detestors, im not falling for that old one, must do better Nicola

NS

Can you tell me, Yes or No Charles!

C.G

( Hums the tune to Emmerdale instead of answering)

NS ( angrier)

I just want a Yes or No?

  

C.G

Well tuppence on the pound makes the world go round eh?

 

NS ( getting mad)

What? Whats that even mean?

Yes of No Charles its a Simple question,

Yes or No? Yes or No, Yes or No?

 

C.G ( reaches into pockets)

Will Nicola be buying any of these raffle tickets, thats whats i want to know?

 

NS ( furious by now)

Yes or No, Yes of No! Yes or No, Yes of No!

 

CG ( playing a Lyre now)

“The Yorkshire lass has eyes of glass but Scotland maids caw canny,”

 

NS ( screaming now)

Yes or no!!!

Buzzer sounds

John Mackay

Times Up Nicola, Charles your turn now…Charles

We see Charles has disappeared! John realises and looks to the side disappointedly

You never paid him before it was finished did you?

 

 

Countdown(Kilmarnock)

Countdown set, 2 contestants and we head towards Nick at the desk

Nick

Welcome to Countdown.

Todays show see’s current champion Tom takes on Kilmarnock FC Chairman, Michael Johnston. ( we see him in suit with rosette etc)

Tom, its your turn to choose the Numbers

Tom

2 from the top, 4 from anywhere else please

We see the numbers being selected and placed in slots.

Numbers Girl

1, 4, 10, 2, 50 and 100

 

The Number Generator is pressed and we see 173 being shown on screen

Nick

Okay, 173 is the target, Your time starts now

Cue clock moving and then the end music…

Nick

Okay, lets see how you got on, Tom?

Tom

Nope, 170

Nick

Okay, 3 away, Michael?

Michael

173

Nick

Okay Michael, lets see how you did it?

 

Michael

100, add the 50, add the 10, add the 4, and the 2 and add the 1

Numbers Girls shows sums, adds up to 167

Nick

Err thats only 167 Michael

Michael

Haud oan, Im no done yet.

We’ve got that 167, so now I take my usual 6 off the gullible Kilmarnock fans ( throws season book towards Numbers Girls) and I add that on.

173 sorted!

We see bemused Numbers Girl shrug and put a season book up next to a + sign and then write 173

Nick

Okay, 10 points to you Michael

We see Tom with head in his hands

 

 

OddsFather

Rip Off of Ladbrokes advert, where 2 guys stumble through the door after a night out to discover unexpected visitor and henchman.

Interior – 2 guys laughing and joking stumble as they enter a house through the door. They’re smiling but when they turn  towards the camera, suddenly they freeze in horror. One of them speaks.

Man

Oddsfather, what are you doing here?

Camera shows us Henchman standing ala Kris Kamara in advert, below him sits his boss. Its Ian Black in Rangers strip, loads of football coupons are around him. He looks up

Ian Black

Awrite troops?,

You got any idea who’e gonna win wae Rangers v East Stirling?

Och i’ll go for East Stirling plus 2, sorted!

 

 

Black Score…deplores

We see a football game involving 2 clubs that we assume are Rangers and East Stirling. The ball is in play and as we watch we hear the match commentary

Commentator

And East Stirling see Rangers attack once again.

The ball comes in, theres Ian Black waiting, Black turns. Black shoots!

Its a  Goal!

Its a Goal for Rangers by Ian Black.

Just look at him.

Have you ever seen a  celebration like that?

Cue selection of scenes of Ian Black :

slapping\flagellating himself,

crying as  he’s burning/ripping up his coupon 

kicking over water bottles

hitting the ground like a toddler in a tantrum

on ground like a Vietnam soldier crying out WHY? To the Heavens etc

 

 

The Hobbit

Movie Voice over – shots to fit below

VoiceOver

Fuelled by the dream of treasure and glory..

A rag taggle band of losers stand strong behind their unexpected Hero as they reach for the ultimate of prizes.

Shiver as you experience their hellish journey though remote dark lands and shake as you see them face unbelievable foes!

Watch as they face enormous odds and knowing there will be unbelievable punishment if they get caught, see if they can pull through?

 

This year, join Ian Black and the Rangers Team, in an SFA Lawbook production of

 

THE HABBIT

 

 

 

 

Filth 1

Voice over style advert for new James McAvoy movie, cue scenes of mayhem, corruption, bad behaviour, drinking, see Filth trailer

Voiceover

This year, the movie all Scots have been waiting for!

James McAvoy stars in his dirtiest and darkest role yet

See a man caught up in a world of Corruption!

See a man diving into the depths of Deception!

See a man drowning in a lake of Lying!

See a man crashing in a cabal of Cheating!

This year don’t miss out, go see….

See James McAvoy play Campbell Ogilvie

In The Administrator from HELL!!

 

 

Filth 2

Voice over style style advert for new James McAvoy movie, cue scenes of mayhem, drink, money, dancing girls, usual movie madness, ala Filth trailer

Voiceover

This year sees the movie all Scottish Football fans have been waiting to see

Its full of Action!

Its sheer Depravity!

Almost constant Nudity!

Prepare yourself  for scenes that will take your breath away!

Scottish Superstar actor, James MacAvoy in the role of a lifetime, stars

As

Frank MacAvennie

In

MILTH!

 

 

PPIbrox II

Typical PPI style advert format – Letters, guys on phone etc. Cue standard voice over

V.O

Have you been sold something under false pretences?

Have you been tricked into paying for something you didn’t need?

Have you found yourself out of pocket due to no fault of your own!

Have you paid more than you should have for something thats actually useless?

If you have don’t worry!

Help is here!

Call PP Ibrox now! 0898 72727272

 if you bought shares, deeds or lost money in anything to do with Rangers FC…

Contact us and lets see if we can add you to the growing list of people looking for compensation!

 

Smallprint warning voice

Not limited or including Sevco, Rangers international, Any holding companies, any holding holding companies, any holding holding holding companies, Lloyds TSB, Murray International, Octopus, Ticketus, Mrs Ahmad, BDO or Duff & Phelps

 

 

Calderwood

Camera on Jimmy Calderwood

JC

Well I can tell you.

As soon as I heard Derek McInnes was being given the Aberdeen job.

I was right on the phone. I was only to happy to help the guy.

Sold him 6 new tubes for the sunbed I got put in while I was here!

Camera pulls back to show Jimmy is in Aberdeens Managers office  and we see outstreched arm with thumbs aloft from Derek McInnes  who is under sunbed

 

 

Tony Watt

Interviewer talks to Tony Watt who is on loan in Belgium

Interviewer

Tony Watt,

There’s claims that despite scoring that goal against Barcelona, you’ve let yourself go.

Nowyou find yourself sent out to Belgium, theres been claims that youre unfit and overweight.

How do you respond?

Cue a fat version of Tony Watt, surrounded by mountains of Belgian waffles, mussels, beer etc

Tony Watt ( defiantly)

(Mumbles with his mouth full..we cant make out a word)

 

 

Alex Thomson

War torn veteran reporter Alex Thomson of Channel 4 reporting from his latest war zone. We see him camera, possibly under attack, an anxious crowd around him, they’re shouting out war cries etc

Alex Thomson

Alex Thomson here, amidst yet another day of chaos and mayhem.

Any sign of regime change continues to look far off, at least for now.

The scenes here are amongst the ugliest Ive encountered in all my years as a correspondent

 I’ve seen men raging in anger,

I’ve heard women begging for mercy

I’ve passed poor innocent children crying in the streets,

With no end in sight, surely its only a matter of time before the United Nations step in, for the sake of humanity itself

This is Alex Thomson, for Channel 4 News, Glasgow

 

Camera pulls back to show its yet another Rangers fans protest demanding Board regime changes