Celtic host Craic Aid

Date: March 2014.

Time: 10:30am

The Scene: An Oak lined office at Celtic Park. A sharp dressed man stands at the window and smiles as he looks out. He controls everything he sees. A phone rings. He waits. It rings again. He waits. He knows they will wait for him. They all do. It rings again. “Third times the charm” he utters as he makes his way back to his desk. He sits on his finest leather chair and presses the Speaker button.

Man: Yes?

 Voice: Hi Is that Peter Lawwell?

 Lawwell : It is I. To whom do I grant the pleasure?

 Voice: Peter, its Bob, well Sir Bob, but you can call me Bob

 Lawwell: Sir Bob?

 Bob: Aye, Sir Bob Geldof. How you doing my man?

 Lawwell: Err, Im fine, thanks

 Bob: Great, listen Pedro, can I call you Pedro?

 Lawwell : Well actu..

 Bob: Smashing. Listen Pedro, Im in Dublin, and I have Bono here with me, say hello Bono

 Bono : Pez my man, respect

 Lawwell : Err hello Bono, Ive always been a big fan

 Bono: Really, is that because we played Celtic Park or d’you just like the Joshua tree maybe?

 Lawwell : Err no, it was more your tax avoidance schemes but the songs are okay I guess

 Bono : Oh right, say no more, I’ll put Bob back on, you might like what he has to say!

 Bob: Hey Peds, listen, we’ve been having a wee discussion here in Dublins fair city. We have a wee project idea we’d like to run by you.

 Lawwell: Okay, whats on your mind?

 Bob: Well its 2014 and in 2 years its gonna be the 100 year anniversary of the Easter Uprising, as I’m sure you know

 Lawwell: Oh, err, yes, yes of course.

 Bob: Well. Its gonna be massive. And I mean MASSIVE. Can you imagine the amount of Irish looking to celebrate our fight for Liberation. This is gonna be the biggest St Paddys style party in history. And its gonna be GLOBAL!

 Lawwell : Oh right, you think?

 Bob : For sure,  Im talking Band Aid massive. And thats where you come in

 Lawwell: Me?

 Bob: Well Celtic, you, Celtic, its the same thing, right?

 Lawwell: Well, i suppose. You say this is where I come in?

 Bob: Yeah. Bono and I, we reckon this is crying out for a Global gigfest, just like Band Aid.

 Lawwell : Oh right, and?

 Bob : We thought where to stage it, Dublins blocked up, daft feckers have the rugby booked by accident. We can’t go to Wembley for obvious reasons so  we thought, right, we need somewhere that can handle a massive international event but it has to be somewhere which has big historical links with Ireland and is used to appealing to the Irish diaspora and knows a wee thing about marketing to them tae eh!

 Lawwell: Go on

 Bob : And then Bono reminded me of Celtic Park and Jim Kerr banging on about the club being founded by Brother Walfrid, Wullie Maley and all the players and we remembered James Connolly was Scottish so it seems rather perfect

 Lawwell: Aha..and what exactly were you thinking?

 Bob: We’re thinking a big massive concert, the biggest Irish celebration on the planet. All eyes on Celtic park as the cream of Irish music gives it big licks for the 100^th Anniversary. So far we have a confirmation that Bono will bring U2 to headline, not just the biggest band on the planet but then we also have a thumbs up from Westlife to reform for a one off special appearance.  Boyzone say that theyre game, The Corrs, Clannad, Cranberries, Divine Comedy are all in. The Script, Stiff Little Fingers, The Pogues, Jedward, Saw Doctors, Snow Patrol, Two Door Cinema Club and Thin Lizzy  are up for it too.

 Lawwell: Sinead O’Connor?

 Bob: Only if we have to but she aye brings us her home baking and it aw ends up messy back stage, anyhows. We might even let The Waterboys and Simple Minds join in just for the Craic. Oh thats good, Craic Aid…make a note of that Bono..

 Lawwell : Is Bono there?

 Bono: Yeah Pezman?

 Lawwell: Do we have to have the Boomtown Rats?

 Bono: Yeah, Just for ‘I don’t like Mondays’ though, I’ll put Bob back on

 Lawwell: So we’re talking a big concert here then, telly and that?

 Bob : Telly? Theres an understatement. Im talking Global coverage, Im talking relayed around the world via satellite, Im talking beam back into cinemas and stadiums, Im talking Global TV Rights, imagine the diaspora wanting to celebrate all around the Planet.  This is bigger than any Champions League game.

 Lawwell: And you want to hold it at Celtic Park, you’re gonna have the gig here?

 Bob: Yeah. We’re thinking, pack in easily a  100’000 crowd, say. They’ll pay say £100 bucks a ticket with gazillions watching more around the world! You’ll be well compensated of course, we don’t expect you to stage this without suitable recompense.  Imagine the cut from tickets, then theres all the Premium Advertising Revenue, TV, Trackside, Stageside, Stadiumwide. Corporate hospitality will be through the roof too.

 Lawwell : Keep talking

 Bob: We cant even comprehend Sales of CDs, DVDs, Special documentaries, you’d get a cut of course. Christ can you imagine the Irish Memorabilia flying out that Superstore of yours.  We’re into the multi million bracket here, all for a single days work, roll on Easter Sunday 2016 eh.

 Lawwell: Wow, that sounds brilliant.

 Bob: I am just concerned a little, are you confident that you could handle such a thing?, We’re talking logistics nightmare, infrastructure, the biggest VIPs and all that on a massive scale

 Lawwell: Shouldnt be a problem, we’re hosting the Queen and the Commonwealth Games this year

 Bob: The who, the what,  Is this a big deal?

 Lawwell: Big?, not half..its only every country that was ruled by the British Empir…errr, doesn’t matter. Yeah, yeah  its big alright.

 Bob: Excellent. Okay. No worries there then. We can get the paper work drawn up.

 Lawwell: Thats brilliant. Anything else you need to check before we get lawyers involved?

 Bob: Let me see…err availability, what about if you have a game on? Wont that stop you hosting the event if there’s a Celtic game scheduled and all your fans from Uk and Ireland  are expecting to travel and attend a match?

 Lawwell : Oh don’t worry about that, we reschedule games all the time and we don’t need to worry about consulting or the affect on the fans.

 Bob: Oh right. Err nothing else for me then, Hold on a sec, anything else you need Bono?

 Bono: Err, no, i think we’re fine….just the usual stuff…mind now Pezzah,  I like to climb the scaffold waving flags and all that. As long as theres a nice big massive Tricolor next to the Stage that I can wave about with everyone singing, thats us sorted

 <CLICK..dead phone tone> 

Bono: So that us then Peter,..err.. Hello..hello…I think he’s gone Bob?

Bob: Hello, Peter, are you there? Peter…you there? He’s hung up! Feck it, Fenway Park here we come!