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ETims Rumour Mill – July 2012

Standing in the door of the Big Hoose
Crying in the rain
It was a kind of so so thing
And I’m going to make sure it never
Happens again
You and Traynor
It had to be
The standing joke of the year
You were a sleep around
A lost and found
And not for me I fear

I tried to make it work
You in an Orange shirt
And me in a suit
(Well it just wasn’t me)
You’re used to bitterness
And now your life’s a mess
So insecure you see
I put up with all the scenes
And this is one scene
That’s going to be played my way

Take your hands off me
I don’t belong to you, you see
Take a look at my face
For the last time
I never knew you
You never knew me
Say hello goodbye
Say hello wave goodbye

Under the deep blue light
I can see the big hoose sliding down
Hey Rangers you were always a cheat
So take off that unbecoming frown
What about us- well
We’ll find someone
That’s not going cheap in the sales
A nice group of pals
Who’ll give me a steady life
And won’t keep going off the rails

Take your hands off me
I don’t belong to you, you see
Take a look at my face
For the last time
I never knew you
You never knew me
Say hello goodbye
Say hello wave goodbye

You’ve been around
For far too long now
And to know your past has been hell
You’re a newco meeting for the first time, okay?
Just smile and say hello
Say hello then wave goodbye

Say hello then wave goodbye (x3)
Say hello wave goodbye
Say hello then wave goodbye
Say hello say goodbye
Say goodbye
Say goodbye

Thanks to Marc Almond and co fondly remembered for their classic tune Tainted Titles.

You will hear this only once. What you are about to read is all lies and made up wind & pish

When is a new company not a new company? When it’s a Rangers new company stupid.

So what do you make of it all? Have you laughed so much your ribs hurt? Are you walking around with a permanent grin in the pishing rain? Have you mastered a trumpet fart to Kool and the Kang’s ‘Celebration’? No? Just us then.

Murray & Whyte. Duff & Phelps. Doncaster & Regan. Laurel & McCoist. Great comedy duos of our time.

And what of Neil Doncaster, a man so inept he’d struggle to cross the road without the aid of a Lollipop lady and a drunken passing camel? We’ve been informed by more than a few pished sources they have never met a more untrustworthy person in their lives. An incredible comment considering we are talking about people involved in the corrupt world of Scottish football. As much as we dislike Doncaster we hear he’s only carrying out his paymasters orders. He works for the SPL clubs and reports to the SPL board. A board driven by fellows like Hibs Rod Petrie and containing Celtic’s Eric Riley. Our pish stained source assures us the starting position for the SPL board was retention of New Rangers in the SPL. This included a deduction of points for several years, the loss of SPL sponsorship revenue and an acceptance of Oldco Rangers outstanding punishments.

The SPL board were in our man’s words “certain” of this outcome but then a very strange thing occurred. The “Internet Bampots” representing supporters of Scotland’s other 41 senior clubs were having none of this, mobilised and created Scottish football’s own version of the Arab Spring. SPL fans contacted their clubs and informed them season tickets would not be renewed if Newco were parachuted into the SPL. Days and weeks passed by with more and more information of Oldco’s indiscretions entering the public domain. Sandy Jardine made a fool of himself and marched to Hampden and then the folly of Duff & Phelps challenging the appellate panel’s verdict through the civil courts ensuring FIFA’s wrath changed the ball game. With supporters steadfast in their views and season tickets down significantly the SPL clubs were forced to change tact. We understand Aberdeen and Dundee United were the key drivers in convincing most of the other clubs bar Oldco supporter Michael Johnston to vote against Newco.

Doncaster was informed of the decision and asked to do what it takes to get Newco into Division 1 as Newco in Division 3 was “not an option”. A period of serious politicking and scaremongering took place with idle threats and bag of a fag packet economics thrown at SFL clubs they thought could easily be bullied. In the olden days when corner shop owners ran football clubs this was possible but SFL clubs nowadays are run by very different characters. Step forward Turnbull Hutton…..we are not worthy…..we are not worthy.

Mr Hutton you see was an executive for Diageo. A man used to dealing at a level way beyond the pygmies of Doncaster and Regan. SFL clubs were already angry at not being given a second thought by SPL money-grabbers for years but to compound matters and threaten them to decide on something that had nothing to do with them was the final straw. Douglas Rae of Morton was early on the attack but Turnbull Hutton’s interview on Radio Scotland when he tore the footballing bodies a new backside was a real eye opener and a major factor in so many SFL clubs to stand firm and advise they will be voting No to Newco in Division 1.

So what of that vote? Well we hear phone calls are still taking place late into the night (Thursday) but many clubs are refusing to entertain calls. We hear the Division 3 clubs made their minds up a while ago as did virtually all Division 1 clubs. We know Doncaster backed by some SPL clubs will offer whatever it takes to get Newco into Division 1.

And what next?

We hear Doncaster and Regan will both be gone very soon. Expect large cheques in the post.

We do know a line of SFL clubs has engaged with legal eagles and will take this to the courts if gerrymandering (played for Celtic reserves in the 80’s) forces Newco in against the clubs wishes.

There is also a lot of talk of a major split in Scottish football. Think BDO (oops) when it comes to the Darts world. Would Celtic seriously consider alongside Aberdeen, Dundee Utd and the majority of SPL and SFL clubs creating their own league with Newco and possibly another 9 teams in a separate entity? We think that’s just plain daft but nothing would surprise us any more.

Finally, for now. Watch for a vote of no confidence in Stewart Regan being raised during Friday’s meeting.

We know a guy who knows a guy who knows Craig Whyte. When asked what his biggest mistake was Whyte responded; “I wish I’d closed them in October”. There will always be a seat for you at Celtic Park, Craig.

Saturday August 18th. 3.00pm kick off at Broadwood. Clyde v Peterhead. Celtic away to Ross County that weekend probably playing early Saturday or on Sunday. Why not get along to Broadwood, pay in, and offer for some thanks to those brave people running Clyde FC?

We told you for ages we were talking to Craig Gordon – cannot believe we finally got one right – and he was a backup if the Forster deal didn’t come to fruition. Big Frisbie didn’t get the move to the EPL he craved, mainly for his England career and burd!, but is delighted to sign for Celtic. If he didn’t the Gordon deal was done and dusted. Good to see we are really on the ball in terms of other options should preferred choices fall through.

Just where has Sir David of Moonbeams gone? Is he hiding under his oak panelled desk? Is he drinking buckfast on his private jet? Is he tied up in Jim Traynor’s bedroom? We don’t know where he is but we do know where he’s going. Here’s hoping he likes porridge.

And talking about the Daily Ranger (huch spit) we hear their newsroom has been in a major state of panic since Jackson made a total arse of himself with his ‘Craig Whyte is a Billionaire’ bullshit. Scotland’s sports reporter of the year, we laughed to, still has an open line to Sir Moonbeams but he and that other paragon of truth Traynor have far more pressing concerns. With readership figures falling faster than Didier Drogba on a football pitch and their beloved ‘Rangers’ no longer in the top flight sales are expected to dip significantly further. We hate to see people losing their jobs but with those two we’ll happily make an exception.

Ki is leaving it’s just his departure location that has to be sorted. QPR heavily rumoured today to have agreed £7m fee with Celtic but we hear Russia has come calling later in the day offering him better terms.

Captain Skoosh had a hernia operation after the Scotland bevvy trip to the good ol US of A but will be fighting fit for the start of the season.

A while back we mentioned rumours that the Police would not want Rangers anywhere below the 1st division. We took some valid eyebrow raising for that one on Twitter but with Regan claiming fears of social unrest he’s clearly been talking to Plod and others.

Would we take a £500k bid for Kelvin Wilson?

Just where did the Big Man get his backing from to approach Charlie Green? Think the six counties and a variety of interesting characters with colourful backgrounds – almost said bathrooms there. Will this come out in the wash in the bathroom? Of course it won’t as the Scottish media don’t ask basic questions to home based Rangers men, unlike those pesky foreigners eh, but take it from us that’s where it’s at.

Man Utd have been scouting Izzy.

Did big Tam Rogne really fly home to pick up a new car before endeavouring to drive it all the way (it’s a long bloody road) to Scotland? Tam was doing ever so well until he reached Carlisle and wrote the car off.

Stephen Pressley is highly rated by those running the club. Not a short-term option as Lenny has his own ideas but don’t be surprised at some point in the future if he is offered a coaching role.

Sami attracting a lot of interest from both Spain and Italy.

Bocanegra won’t come. We asked him.

What’s 1.5 – 1.4?

A happy Kris Commons, that’s what!

Following last years, pre-season blow out which literally saw Krissy Boy shoot up 2 dress sizes and duly get humiliated by the club doctor\nutritionist\dietician\sports scientist\quack in front of everyone including the u19s at the first training weigh-in, cue Kris’ collapse in confidence and a long slow road back before he was ready to hit the ground and actually do some running. After coming back to some form at the end of the season, Commons has been keeping trim during summer clocking only 1lb over his playing weight and is really ready to go. Looks like James Forrest will actually have some competition this year?

We hear 2 loan signings expected. One a centre back in addition to our known interest in Bordeaux’s centre back.

Have you seen how wonderful the area containing the velodrome and indoor sports arena facing Celtic Park is looking? It’s magnificent. Even better news is a several million pounds has been put aside from a central government fund to totally landscape and clean up the area in advance of the Commonwealth games. Who’d have thunk it?

By the way with the shenanigans over at Ibrox lots of rumours doing the rounds Celtic Park will now be hosting the Commonwealth Games Rugby 7’s.

This made us laugh. Interviewer approaches random man in street for views on football…..

Thankfully half a stone extra last season Hooper has also kept the weight off, must be down to one bottle of champagne at a time for Glasgow’s Mr ‘2 bottles’

Sponsors….why are Tennents so happy to be associated with ‘Rangers’ yet won’t let Celtic renegotiate their side of the contract?

Is it true that Charles Green was open to changing the clubs name to suit any Sponsor but has been told the word Rangers must be prevalent (regardless of such frowned upon behaviour from Companies House – Liquidation start-ups etc). He wasn’t told this by John Brown or Rangers Fighting Fuds. Oh no, this came from Huey and Duey at Mount Florida Comedy Store.

Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf, the big bad wolf? Not Neil Lennon anyway judging by the airmiles racked up in visits to the Bundesliga last year. Maybe Didier’s uncle will do a loan deal, eh?

Let’s just stop with the rumours and tell you a true story. Sevco 5088 have asked about the availability of loan players from other SPL clubs. The same clubs who threw them to the wolves.

Is it true that a certain, obese, long-since discredited MSM acolyte is planning a book defending the indefensible? Surely not. Surely.

Right onto our number one signing target according to our discredited and extremely pish stained source. The man we want is Jordan Rhodes. The young Scotland international striker was scouted probably more than any potential signing in recent memory. Lenny has taken in many of his games and sees an absolute superstar in the making as do the other coaching staff and club scouts. What we have in our favour is one major factor. Young Jordan is a Celtic supporter and that as you all know carries a lot of weight. Yes, we need to sell before we can buy him as we understand the price, we have agreed a £4m fee plus add ons, is a snip based upon potential resale value in many years to come.

We have been told this signing will happen.

And finally…..when is a team not a team? Answer…..when it doesn’t have a name. if we were betting men we’d suggest Newco not playing anywhere next season has a very strong chance of winning this race.

If you want to share some gossip – you know where to find us.

P.S. You can get us on Twitter @ETimsNet – We post far more nonsense on a daily basis there than we post here. If it’s your bag (mug) then come along and join in the fun.

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11 years ago

Great read

Lenny Bruce
11 years ago


Have you been in hibernation?

P.S. we’re still in the European Cup. We playe Juventus this week.

They were recently stripped of titles for cheating.

You might hear more of this soon, a bit closer to home.

10 years ago

Its only financial mtwedoln v financial mtwedoln if you take Regan and Doncaster’s appraisal at face value.There is at least one SFL chairman with the backbone to cut through the bullshit and state he doesn’t believe it for a minute.And neither should anyone else. The hysteria in our tabloids aimed at saving Sevco at all costs is disgraceful and disgusting.On a positive note there are only two SFL clubs saying they will vote for, and ten times that number who will vote against.When the dust settles I’m sure there will be belt tightening, but we will all be just fine.The myth that Scottish football can’t live without Sevco will be exposed.Scottish football can live without Sevco.But Sevco cannot live without Scottish football.

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