A Bear’s “Deck of Cards” Prayer Book
(Based on the words of the song “Deck of Cards – A Soldiers Prayer”)
Upon finding that the “Internet Bampots” were right and having extracted his head from the sand, a distraught Bear slunk from his den and into town. As he passed a small church, he stopped and looked in and saw that people had gathered there to worship. The Bear wandered in, walked down the aisle and slid into a pew. He took his seat next to some worshippers who had their heads bowed in prayer. The Bear, having no prayer book of his own, took out a time-worn deck of playing cards depicting a defunct old football team. He fanned the cards before him and started to mumble to himself in his traditionally incoherent way. The worshippers, amazed at the Bear for displaying a deck of cards, the “Devil’s Season Tickets” (for Ibrox), in the house of the Lord, nudged him and whispered, “Put those away, you can’t do that here!”
The Bear, as was his wont, paid little attention to them and carried on with his cards and mumblings. The worshippers became quite alarmed and sent for the police and the poor Bear was arrested. He was put in jail for the night and the next morning was brought before the magistrate, charged with disorderly conduct for displaying such a deck of cards in a place of worship. The Magistrate asked what he had to say for himself, “Guilty or not guilty?”
The Bear, standing before the bar of justice, replied, “Not guilty, Your Honour, and with your kind permission, I would like to present this defence for my actions.”
With that, he took out his old time-worn deck of cards, fanned them out before him, and then he began:
“Your Honour, now that I have seen the light and turned away from all things blue, this deck of cards has become my prayer book and Bible.
When I look into these cards and see an Ace, it reminds me that there is only one SPL team left now in Glasgow.
When I see the Deuce, it reminds me that two previous owners, Murray and Whyte, sent my old football club into oblivion.
When I see the Trey, it represents the division in which the team I now support play, S.F.L.3.
When I see the Four, it reminds me of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Lennon, Hector the tax man, Death and Craig Whyte.
When I see the Five, Your Honour, I think of the five European stars that can no longer be legitimately displayed on my team’s shirts
When I see the Six, it reminds me that for six months Duff and Phelps screwed my old club and its creditors.
When I see the Seven, it brings back horrible memories of the record number of goals scored against my old team in a League Cup final.
When I see the Eight, it reminds me of the eight main righteous sources of our “Downfall”: The Catholic Church and the Pope; Celtic and Neil Lennon; The Irish; The Internet Bampots; Phil Mac Giolla Bhain; R.T.C.; Paul MacConville and Alex Thompson.
When I see the Nine, I’m reminded of the nine in a row league wins that will be wiped out leaving only one team with the world record.
When I see the Ten, I think of how that other team could win ten and eleven and twelve and….leagues in a row over the next couple of decades with no Glasgow team to challenge them.
Now, Your Honour, the Jack reminds me of the Knave that sold my club down the river. I pray Sir David gets his just deserts.
When I see the Queen, I think of all our songs in her honour and how my old club robbed her of an awful lot of money by not paying her good servant Hector his rightful dues.
And when I see The King, I am reminded that “there is only one King Billy and that’s McNeil”.
He then folded up the deck of cards, shuffled them once, and fanned them out before him. Then he continued:
“Your Honour, when I look into this deck of cards, I see that there are 365 spots, these represent the number of days my new club has to wait before it can sign new players.
The Joker is a multiple choice card, Minty Murray, The Whyte Knight or The Green Chucky.
There are fifty-two cards in the deck, there are fifty-two weeks in a year and that is the minimum length of time my new team will be in the bottom division of the Scottish Football League.
There are twelve face cards reminding me of the number of faces Chucky Green can put on in public.
Actually, there are thirteen cards in each suit. These remind me of the minimum on my old club’s side when it played football matches in Scotland.
Speaking of the suits, well, they are still working hard on our behalf in the football corridors of power.
Lastly, Your Honour, this deck of cards has two colours, orange and blue; the orange stands for our dislike of the Irish and the blue stands for our dislike of everything except ourselves.
So you see, Your Honour, not only is this deck of cards my prayer book and Bible, it is also my masonic handbook.!”
With that, His Honour said, “Case dismissed!”
(Based on the version by Capt. G.E. “Hap” Hill (Ret)
I like this update of Deck of Cards by Wink Martindale…
Your version is much better and to the point of present day.
However Scotland ind its people are a good people and understanding of others .
Sadly we have been saddled by the masonic handbook. Worst still Orangism
Wish you wrll good topic.
briiliant,chuckling away here
loved it,well done.
Nice job PB!
My thanks to all. You are most kind. I personally thought it was nonsense but had fun doing it so decided against my better judgement to share it.
It is especially pleasing to have nice words from our diarist whom I find a truly funny bloger par excellence. Thanks, Ralph.
As for Puskas, with a name like that and knowledge of Wink sure gives your age away, buddy. I thought I was bound to be the only one old enough to remember him and it took a C&W programme on TV recently to remind me even. I agree 100% about Scotland. It is just that the tainted side seems to discolour almost everything.
Anyhow, thanks again to all, young and old.
Excellent work Pensioner Bhoy, though I would take issue with 5 as those stars canny be European ones, unless its abastardised version understating the number of European cities they have ravaged.