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21 Tips on How to beat Barcelona

We got our thinking caps on and identified some cheeky wee tactics Neil and the Gang could adopt to get a result in Camp Nou.  If you can think of any, offer them up in Comments please, we may need all the help we can get!


  1. just as Zarkov the Priest tune  begins to play get wee James Forrest to sneak along the line ups and tie all their shoelaces together
  2. On handshakes before the game, get each Celt to ask each Barca player to discuss the structural deficit issue in the Eurozone!
  3. Get Lenny to claim racist attack due to Ginger hair and say his side refuse to take the field. The fact that abuse came from an ex painter named Gary is irrelevant
  4. Get the Celtic fans to hold up a massive card display of Kate Middletons thrupennybits and takes Barca players mind of the game
  5. Ask Lance Armstrong to be our team doctor for the evening.
  6. Ask Craig Levein for advice on playing against a team of skilful players
  7. Get both the Twardik twins on, the ref wont notice we have an extra player on the field
  8. Put wee pins on the end of our boots, every time we manage to get a toe to a ball it will burst and cause vital time delays!
  9. Tell all the players if they don’t get a result their wages are being paid in Charles Green shares
  10. Remind Barca that rangers fans would hate nothing more than our teams sharing points and all partying at the final whistle.
  11. Don’t score too early, it’ll just annoy them
  12. Tell Messi his wifes waters just broke
  13. Keep putting Xavi and Iniesta off by asking “You do realise your career has peaked already dont you lads?
  14. Lock their dressing room door
  15. Hold your opponent, as in boxing
  16. Kidnap the refs wife and kids
  17. Invent batwings for forster, which open to twenty feet across either side
  18. Get Marc Crosas to tweet his pals at Barca so much he brings down the entire countries electricity system including Floodlights!
  19. Run up and boot the ball away at dangerous free kicks, we saw that in a game once!
  20. Get Jose Mourinho to referee
  21. Tell Sammi if he scores a winner we’ll get Tony Hamilton to trim his beard for a month!
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11 years ago

ask walter !

11 years ago

We should have started when the Spartak match started (Without telling Barca obviously) we would be well ahead by the time they showed up

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