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Celtic Xmas Crackers – Mr Roborts




Here’s one from the darker side…


Mr Roborts


The security guard carefully watched the dark executive car on its approach and eventual stop just in front of his station. He scanned the dashboard for the pass and on seeing the blue and yellow card, duly pressed the button to lift the barrier.

The driver raised a hand in acknowledgement and drove on through. The car continued along the winding road passed a large blue hangar style building on the left before turning into the car park placed just in front of a large impressive silver clad building at the very end of the drive.

The driver exited the car, opened the rear door and let out his passenger. The passenger then stepped forward towards the entrance and flashed his Id card at the reader. The doors swished open and the man then made his way into the building and journeyed on towards his appointment.

The man walked along a long sleek corridor and followed the usual path. He had been in the building many times before although not so much recently, say around 18 months or so. It was a standard part of his job to come here from time to time and despite the bare interior,  he had no problems, especially today.

After all, the man was finally home.

The corridor ran for 100 yards or so before turning left and this was where the man now found himself. A large security guard stood motionless in front of another set of glass doors. The man approached and found himself dwarfed in the Guards shadow. The guard indicated the man to take a step to the right and place his face towards the wall scanner. The man did so and then stayed perfectly still as the Retina scan swept across the mans face. The man he waited only  a second or two before he heard the ping of approval.

The guard stood to the left as the glass doors opened.

The man walked forward and there in front of him stood a tall thin man in a long white coat with what looked like an electronic clip board in his hand.

“Mr Roberts?” said the man in the coat.

“Yeah, Patrick Roberts, thats me” came the reply.

“Welcome back to Sportcity. Im Doctor Crichton, I’ll be taking your tests today” replied the Doctor.

“Oh, its usually Doctor Abrams or the Chief Physio I deal with here” replied Roberts who somehow had the sense he had met Doctor Crichton before somewhere but he couldnt quite place when, where or why.

“Oh yes, of course” said Crichton before adding “They wont be needed today, please follow me”.

The Doctor ushered Roberts forward and as Roberts took a few steps he noticed the Doctor updating something on the clipboard. Roberts walked on and then paused when he came to a familiar sign indicating “Medical Facilities” with an arrow pointing left. The Doctor took a few steps passed Roberts and then paused realising his guest wasnt moving.

“Oh this way Mr Roberts” said the Doctor indicating their final destination was elsewhere.

“But, I usually get my medicals along there” said Roberts indicating the corridor to his side.

“Oh dont worry, we wont be needing anything down that way today” said the Doctor who once again then made some hidden update to the clipboard in his hand before adding “Follow me please, just down here and round the corner”.

Roberts did as requested and followed alongside the Doctor. They stepped through one security door, then another, then another. Roberts started to feel slightly uneasy as they walked further away from the entrance of the Facility. He didn’t remember ever being in this area and didnt recognise half the words showing on the signs above his head.

“Pleasant journey?” asked the Doctor as they walked.
“Err yeah” replied Roberts then adding “It was fine”
“The M74 and M6 can be such a pain I hear” replied the Doctor
“I actually came direct from holiday, a direct flight so no problems” answered Roberts who noticed his stomach was starting to tighten a little.
“Lovely, and everything else been fine in general?” asked the Doctor, who once again seemed to be making updates to his clipboard notes.
“Err yeah, no complaints” replied Roberts who despite feeling a little uneasy was telling the truth.

Roberts had actually just enjoyed a great holiday in Florida with his best friend Kieran. A justified reward after a wonderfully productive season playing football for Celtic in Glasgow. The team had won the Treble and gathered such great acclaim. There had even been talk of Roberts now being considered for England after a great run of form was topped of with a scintillating display in the Scottish Cup Final where he had scored 2 goals and set up another 2 goals for team mates in the 5-0 thrashing of Dundee United.

Roberts suddenly realised he had been daydreaming when he  heard the Doctor say “This is us” and the miles-away Roberts had walked passed the large silver door that the Doctor was seemingly holding open. Roberts walked back and walked through the door. Something was irking at Roberts mind before he realised it was because the door to the room actually had no handles.

The doctor ushered Roberts inside and duly followed as the player entered the room.
Roberts went to move forward but then immediately paused to take in his surroundings. He had expected a medical facility with the usual, long bed, scales, Cardio equipment and a few small monitoring machines for usual markers like Heartrate, cholestrol, BMI. This room was nothing like a standard medical facility.

Within the room there was nothing but a large Mirror on each wall to the side and in the middle of the room there sat 2 plain chairs. There was nothing else in the room. Nothing at all. No desks, no tables, no beds, no monitors. Nothing. There wasnt even a carpet and the shiny hard floor was painted in deepest black.

“Take a seat Patrick” said Crichton.
“Err, okay” said the bewildered Roberts.

As Roberts stepped towards one of the chairs, he heard the silver door close behind him and his stomach tightened even further.

The player took his place on one seat and the Doctor took his place on another before once again attending to his clipboard.
Roberts noticed the Doctor then looking beyond him as if looking up towards one of the mirrors and appearing to give a little nod before lowering his gaze and looking the player in the eye.

“Do you remember me Patrick?” asked Crichton
“Err no, but have we met somewhere?” answered Roberts
“Yes, a long time ago, almost 2 years ago in fact” replied the Doctor.
“Sorry, it must have slipped my mind” replied the player.
“Ah, slipped your mind, indeed” said the Doctor smiling. “Well we met back them Patrick, in fact we became extremely close, I was working with you almost every day until it came to execution day”
“Execution Day?” asked Roberts.
“Ah, lets not get too far ahead of ourselves for now. Lets go back to the beginning shall we?” said the Doctor.
“Sure” shrugged Roberts who was now feeling very confused.
“My name is Doctor Crichton. I came here a few years ago to be in charge of what we here at the Etihad call “Special Projects” and You, you were my special Special Project Patrick!”
“Special?” queried Roberts.
“Here at Special Projects we do no t deal with the day to day, that is well catered elsewhere within this facility. Here we deal with the extraordicnary. The Wishes., The Dreams. The unattainables! Do you know how men will always want what they cannot have Patrick?” asked the doctor

Roberts shrugged, he had the feeling a speech was coming and he wasn’t going to like it.

Circhton leaned back and said “Oh we have plumbed the Oceans, we have conquered the skies. We have placed Men on the Moon, and yet even thats no longer enough, ‘Lets get to Mars’ they say. Whatever it is, it is never enough, never enough for men of means, never and well it is the same in football!” stated Crichton.
“Ok” said Roberts with a slight look of bemusement and trepidation.
“Oh indeed it is” said the Doctor before adding “The people here at the Etihad are always searching for more. We have bought the greatest players. We have hired the greatest managers. We have built the greatest state of the Art facilities in the World. And yet do you know what Patrick?”
“It isn’t enough?” concluded Roberts.
“That is right young man” said the Doctor. “No matter what was delivered, it still wasnt enough to satisfy them. They wanted more. More more more. Yes they had the players, the manager, the facilities, the tournaments, the media, oh you name it, they had it but of course it was never enough. There was always an emptiness Patrick and do you know why?”
“No” answered Roberts who by now was feeling nauseous.
The Doctor leaned forward and said “Love Patrick. Love. They didnt have love.!”

“Love?” queried Roberts

“Indeed” said the Doctor “And that is why you were the special Special Project.  Oh They say you cannot buy Love. They say you cannot fabricate Love. They claim that you cannot create Love. but can you? This is Special Projects. We have unlimited funding and we have unlimited means. Why couldnt we buy Love, why couldnt we make love, why couldnt we identify what Love is and finally satisfy every need here at SportCity”.

Roberts stayed silent as he suddenly had a very bad feeling on what was to come.

“I tried and tried you know. No success, failures every time. 26 failures in all. We tried many avenues of investigation but all  fruitless. All ending in misery and then” said the Doctor “And then I met you”
“Me” said Roberts softly.
“Yesh Patrick. You were the answer to my prayers. A young raw hungry recruit who was willing to go anywhere, do anything, be anyone to  reach your potential but most of all you already had the Love within you for where we wanted you to be. That was what was missing, we were looking for a spark, you already had the fire of love inside you.  You were a true Godsend and may I say an absolute joy to work on, and work with?” said Crichton.
“Work On” said Roberts who suddenly had the realisation that he had in fact been in a room like this before with this Doctor before, but that was a long time ago.
“Of course Patrick, I took you and I made you into the perfect receptacle. Your football skills and natural charm were helpful and the love inside you made it all possible but without a few modifications, well we wouldnt be back here again now would we?” replied Crichton.

Roberts stared blankly at the Doctor who then reached down and swept his hand back and forth across the clipboard.

Suddenly Roberts felt very lightheaded as the room started to spin as the Doctor rose to speak.

“You see Patrick, we took you and we made some slight changes. Oh your skills are all natural of course but it was in the empathy and love areas we were looking to work. We saw the love you held in your heart for Celtic and so we hatched a plan around it. Love builds love after all. So we adapted you to absorb all the love you would experience when apparently just on loan up at Celtic. Did you think an 18 month loan period was normal? Of course not. This was the optimum cycle for our Project. Thankfully Mr Desmond is a major shareholder in one of our hi-tech companies and was very much on board, imagine what the reverse technology could do in the Arms industry for instance. Anyhow’s I digress. A few nano-chips here, a few cortex fusions there and you were good to go. We have been monitoring you from near and far ever since. We have watched you be adored by the fans and watched as you have been welcomed warmly by team mates, management and even strangers just walking round Glasgow. We perfectly placed you like a sponge within the wonder and love of Celtic Park on match day. It was almost overload as you kept taking in all the love from the fans, oh the applause, oh the wonderful songs, all of that sheer unadulterated adulation. The love there is unique. It is unconditional. We thought we would make great strides in our project but then came phase 2!”

“Phase 2” asked Roberts.

“Of course, that was when Brendan Rodgers came along. Okay granted we were helping pay his wages via Dermot and all but that was when the Love chart numbers really shot off the scale. From the management to players to fans, even the Board, it was truly unbounded and we couldn’t believe it when we also got to experience it here in Manchester for ourselves. The numbers are beyond our wildest dreams and it looks like pay-dirt time. All we have to do now is download”

“Download” asked a stunned Roberts

“Yes. Its all within you Patrick. We just need to extract” replied Crichton.

“Extract?” gulped the player.

The Doctor held up his clipboard and smiled. “Oh Don’t worry, its all done seamlessly, its actually been going on since you walked into this room. Soon be over, it will all soon be over my boy”.

“Over? And what about me?” asked Roberts.

“You will be well rewarded for your trouble my boy. The nano-chips will auto dissolve and bar a slight headache, you will be good to go back to Celtic in the morning” replied the doctor.

“Back to Celtic?” asked Roberts.

“Yes, that deal was long done. You will be back to Glasgow in the morning. Kieran Tierney, one of my other special projects in fact,  is coming to pick you up I believe”

“Kieran, back to Celtic” thought Roberts and he found himself smiling.

“Indeed. Okay, shall we complete the process?” asked the Doctor.

“I suppose” said Roberts who was now only thinking of a return to Paradise.

“Very well, please now close your eyes” said the Doctor who swept his hand in a circular motion upon the clipboard.

Roberts closed his eyes, heard a slight humming in his head, felt a sense of warm water washing over him and slowly slipped away into the darkness.

The Doctor looked up at the mirror behind the sitting slumbering Roberts, checked his clipboard, nodded back towards the mirror and then looked back at the player before saying “Agent 27…begin analysis!”





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6 years ago

Ya Beuty, I am Full of Luv. I Luv that piece,the best yin yet,canny wait till the morra for the next yin,the dark yins are the best.
Luv is in the air,
its in my teeth and in my hair,
luv is in my toes,its even in my baws,
Luv is every where,its even in ma jaws.
The Great Desmondo,brilliant.

6 years ago

Good stuff Desimond!

6 years ago

Brilliant! New Bhoy here and not a bad blog yet… Humour is beyond the beyonds and a possible Troll too… Magic.

6 years ago
Reply to  Iantm

Welcome new old bhoy,join the dafties.Welcome to the mad hoose.

6 years ago

Is it 12.30 yet? hurry fuckin up.

6 years ago

brilliant. I had no idea what they were going to do to poor paddy until the end.
on a serious note, I really hope we sign him.

You mad about ETims or just plain mad? Why not buy the t-shirt at