Lawwell defends sad Transfer Window buys

Celtic Signing Shame

by

Jackson Keith of  The Scottish Media

Celtic’s Chief-Dermot-Desmond-Instruction-Carry-Outer Peter Lawwell failed miserably last night after attempting to come out strongly to defend the clubs recent signing activity, an activity deemed by many as a new National disgrace.

Lawwell stood upon “Peters Rock”, the name he gives the Celtic Park Reception steps in the minds of some radio pundits, and laid out his weary old excuses for only signing 3 ,allegedly young impressive and talented, signings.

It had been duly noted that this small amount of signings came in the Transfer window when the glorious Glasgow Rangers ( still justifiable aggrieved at the pitch and referee for causing the shock and lucky win for a terrible Celtic side during  Sundays League Cup debacle) casually and generously brought in 5 players from the greatest Premiership in the world.

Despite a tired looking Lawwell continuing to claim it was a successful and busy day with 3 players coming in,  some members of the Press refused to be hoodwinked and wisely demanded that Lawwell be hung at The Trongate for Celtic only scraping around the kids bargain bin while across the city, a rampant Rangers romped ahead adding big named Internationalists to their already impeccable squad.

Lawwell meekly claimed  that the signings of the carthorse Gary Mackay Steven and lumbering Stuart Armstrong from Dundee United as well as some wee diddy foreigner called Michael Duffy from Derry who can play up front or something, had been visionary and will delight and benefit both Celtic and Scottish Football for years to come.

As expected, no-one was convinced and already there have been calls for the Scottish Government to intervene much like the brilliant Ayrshire MP Brian Donohoe who is wisely utilising UK Tax-Payers monies to represent our National Treasure, Glasgow Rangers Supporters Groups, interest during debates at Westminster.

 A crest-fallen Lawwell could only hold his hands up when this brave reporter, prompted by Andy Walker,  asked if the paltry 2 million pounds transfer fee had already been recouped by Celtic after making the players pay for their own Press Conference jerseys with their extra long names on the back.

It’s well known in Scottish media circles that Lawwell still regrets the day he signed the dud Korean player Ki and Celtic pre-purchased too many letter Y’s in anticipated printing profit. It was no wonder Ki was soon moved on for a paltry 300% profit.

Always available to the media, the weary Celtic fan Grumble McGripe, slated the Chief Executive for constant time wasting and apparently haggling over a meagre couple of hundred thousands of pounds before getting the Dundee United deal done.  The beleagured fan slobbered “Its Shameful! You look at that pussy-footing last night, we didnt get these guys signed until almost 9pm, how the hell can a Celtic Team expect to win the Monday Night Quiz down at The Shettleston Club if we dont have any weans who know all they bang-bang tunes during the Music round…this would never have happened in Big Jocks day…sack the board!”

The Press Conference of Shame concluded when Lawwell  found himself being berated after he also failed to give Kris Commons a lousy 7 year deal, a gold coloured kit-peg and free Captains Meals for his kids on match day. Lawwell’s claims that “Talks are nearing completion with one of Scotlands greatest midfielders” were loudly laughed at by the legendary Ian Black and Nicky Law who were passing by, no doubt on the way to a neighbouring orphanage to cheer up some sad East End kids.