07:00 Wakes up. Turns off Sash alarm. Better check phone for messages. 10 missed calls from Chris Graham and 4 love letter e-mails from Mark Mingwall. Hmm, a few less than normal. Must have a word with those two.
08:00 Breakfast time. Gallon of Orange juice, I love Orange, and boiled egg with soldiers and some fruit. Not any old soldiers. This is my private army of volunteers from the Union of Fandangos. Soldiers….blow cold air on my plums NOW
09:00 Right, time to phone Jackson. Hi Keith, yeah I know you want my babies but listen to me damn God. I want to issue a statement in your paper ASAP. The message is I have £30m stored in a secret place so secret that even I don’t know where it is. I don’t care what you do with it. Embellish the fcuk out of it and make it sound like I’m a billionaire with wealth off the radar (click).
11:00 Nothing online yet. I’ll have a word with that snivelling basturt Jackson soon. Who else to call? I know Dick Wilson. He’d kiss my boaby if I let him. Hi Dick, what do you mean you are all wet? Shut up for a minute. Look, I’m issuing a statement. I need you to publish an article saying the board are crooks and I’m a devilishly handsome Glasgow born trillionaire who shites golden eggs. Make it happen and mind, I still have that injunction on you!
13:00 Time for lunch with Ally Lamont. He’s normally good for succulent lamb and a bottle of fine red. I’m looking dapper in my dark blue suit and brown brogues. Hi Al, great to see you. No, no, no I don’t need you to clean my shoes with your tongue. Tell you what it is. I need you to publish a statement telling the World I have more money that Rockefeller and the World will end if the Sevco board don’t hand me all their shares for free. What do you mean it’s done? Wow, you are definitely one of my favourite poodles. Here, have a dog biscuit (pats him on the head).
15:00 (Ring, ring….ring ring). Hi, who’s is this? Oh it’s you Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I’ve not answered any of your 75 calls today but I’ve been busy trying to save our club (winks) from a second administration. Heavens forbid we ever get liquidated! Now I need you to galvanise the online idiots, erm support, along with that other fat basturt. Tell them I’m the saviour, have more global appeal than Beyonce in stockings and suspenders and when I talk the world stops to listen. Now away and procreate with yourself.
18:00 Time for Scotland Today. Great, I’m the headline again. The things John Mackay will do for one of my blue ties. Ok Raman take it away. I’m loaded. Check. The current board are despised by the fans. Check. My wealth has doubled since Raman has started speaking. Check. The fans prefer me to chocolate on a stick. Check. Good old Sevco TV. God bless them!
20:00 Time for a late meal of Duck AL ‘Orange for supper with two old poodles. Jabba and wee Chick. Young hacks nowadays are good but when I told these old boys to put chocolate on my baws they did so with smiles on their faces and some whipped cream to finish it off. Great to see you guys. Ok Chick will you stop riding my leg FFS! No Jim you can’t eat the salt and pepper dishes. ENOUGH! Right, down to business. Chick, you are still on the radio. Jim, you have your apprentices in the press. Get to work. Tell them the board are all practicing Catholics. No scratch that. Tell them the board are all members of Opus Dei and report directly to Desmond. Let them know the SA authorities have apologised profusely to me and offered a full tax reimbursement plus the Orange Free State as compensation. Got that? Great.
22:30 Time for Scotland Tonight. Aw fcuk it’s rubber lips again. Don’t say anything daft Chris, don’t say anything daft Chris….oh no…..he’s just promised I’ll give that dumpling Sally £30m to spend. The fans will never buy that as they now think he’s useless too! Oh look, Dick Wilson is also on he’ll save the day. 140 years of illustrious history and real Rangers men in charge like Mr King. Traditions, Mr Struth and Peter Lovenkrands. Brilliant Dick, brilliant.
23:30 Time for a late statement. (Ring, ring…ring, ring) Hi Keith, yeah, yeah, calm down for a second. Tomorrow’s paper front page. I will promise to deliver the Champions League inside five years. No, make that three. What do you mean we are banned from Europe? Ach, forget trivialities like that. Just tell them. Floating pitch. Bellagio hotel moved brick by brick from Vegas to Ibrox. Yes, including the fountain as the hordes will need somewhere to pish in. 100,000 capacity stadium. Orange away strips with 24 carat gold sash. And the biggest warchest since Dubya was in charge of the States. Mind, Champions League within three years! Got all that? Good poodle (click).
Midnight: Another stupendous day manipulating the masses. They’ll never learn! Time for bed. Goodnight Keith. Goodnight Dick. Goodnight Al. Goodnight Chick. Goodnight Jim. Goodnight Chris. Goodnight Mark.
All: (lying on the floor around his bed) Goodnight Mr King!
H B
“Tell them I’m the saviour, have more global appeal than Beyonce in stockings and suspenders and when I talk the world stops to listen.”
I just wondered if that was Beyonce “in stockings and suspenders” or The King. I imagined him more like the Emperor in his new clothes showing he really is just a little prick.
“Time for bed. Goodnight Keith. Goodnight Dick. Goodnight Al. Goodnight Chick. Goodnight Jim. Goodnight Chris. Goodnight Mark.”
Was that as he curled up in the foetal (or should that be fatal) position with his head firmly screwed up his own arse?
HB, you sure get the imaginative juices flowing with this piece of NON fiction. It will give me a good explanation for the grin on my face when I go to bed tonight.
H H
H B
I meant to add that that Simpsons picture is almost as blurred as King’s promises.
H H
Meanwhile for sevco it’s Goodnight Vienna!
Har de feckin har har har!
Wonderful image of the lapdogs at the foot of the bed.
Aye, and note, Ralph, they are not allowed up ON the bed.
H H
LoL. Is there another set of supporters anywhere in this world, who would welcome, a tax dodging, money laundering FRAUDSTER as their saviour. Who has already admitted that he doesn’t want to put his own money in.Tic Talk Tic Talk goes the liquidation clock (again). HH
schoosh71, remember the Sleasdales already have previous for this, and they are sitting on the board now!
pensionerbhoy
surprpised you are not in bed already seeing you are about 40 years older than me
Hi Pal
It’s been a long time. And, by the way, I was pushing your simmer frame years before I started to fall apart – my head’s about the only thing still attached and some think that is not in proper working order 🙂
Great to hear from you again. I hope you are well.
H H
Great laugh,Hector.They do provide so much material.
The Sugarless Daddy Lying King is full of hot air.
you know what happened the last time you took on a king, history doesnt lie, rem 1690
Zombie,away and crawl back under your stone.
Your fear,hurt and pain are all their,in equal measures.
Celtic weren’t around in 1690 ya muppet.
Here’s a mad idea, try living in the present. You ain’t ra peepel any more!
Where’s the laughs in this article? All I have read is an accurate portrayal of everyday life in the Sevco Titanic. Ok, maybe not Titanic, more like Struth’s old rowing boat.
I’m sorry if I offend anyone, but I personaly detest the whole lot of these bastards.hh