There’s a pandemic a-coming

Throughout history the world’s most major and destructive pandemics have come seemingly out of the blue. With no warning or explanation millions have died or been blighted by viruses unforeseen and meanwhile man has always been behind the curve in recognising firstly the symptoms and then developing a cure. And that’s before we even get to the stage where we can identify the cause.

Right now, in West Central Scotland and the North of Ireland there is a disease ravaging a distinct and select population. This disease has been classified as both mental and physical. It is highly contagious, mainly spread via blogs and social media. As well as being fuelled by pointless marches and god-awful music. It is generally ignored by the mainstream media outlets for fear of financial or physical reprisal.

It has been given the Latin name Sevconitis.

People with Secvonitis first exhibit faux-contrition. They will accept punishment as just and fair. Sometimes even realising that they have gotten away with a light slap on the wrist. Then as the virus gets to work they quickly twist their views in private to one of hatred for anyone and anything that is not them. Songs of defiance are sung. But the faux-contrition hangs on for a while.

Boycotts become the verbal raison d’etre and anyone who does not share the blinkered view of a sufferer of Sevconitis is quickly put under pressure via the threat of a veto. So far, only The Sun newspaper has succumbed to this action.

When boycotts inevitably fail the darker cloud of the threat of physical violence rears it head. All the while, the highly-educated individuals afflicted with Sevconitis deny any charge of such behaviour and try and push the issue back on the threatened. This is what psychiatrists describe as ‘denial’.

Meanwhile, as the violence spreads and the boycotts widen, a paradoxical symptom grows. The obsession with world records becomes insufferable and nigh-on debilitating to the individuals with Sevconitis. Everything from people duped to pies bought is subject to a count back (embellished of course) and this manifests itself most acutely in respect to a fixation with attendances at football matches.

Indeed, Sevconitis enervates a person from being able to tell the difference between a reported crowd (inc. season ticket holders not in attendance) and the actual number of people there. Strathclyde Police has recently set about making the understanding of this much clearer. This has proven really helpful for many but has resulted in a threatened boycott of the Police by those with Sevconitis.

Another ugly side to Sevconitis is the inability to carry out an articulate argument. When the faux-contrition is exposed those afflicted will jump straight into hyper-defensive mode and start using abusive and offensive terms, decrying anyone and everyone who doesn’t agree with their myopic views. If this fails they will resort unwitty remarks about child abuse or overt religious intolerance. They have no way of stopping this as the brain cells have begun to erode by this point due to pure hatred.

As it stands this disease is showing no signs of slowing. There are a select few power-wielders in the communities and businesses with which those most likely to contract Sevconitis interact with. These individuals, through inane statements or subtle battle cries (we already know who they are) have been fuelling the spread of Sevconitis. Like everything, it is about money. The further Sevconitis spreads into the small but rabid community susceptible to its strain the more likely certain individuals are to pick it up.

However, so long as no one asks awkward questions of those with the disease and those perpetuating its growth it will continue to make inroads into the villages and towns in the narrow catchment area of its people.

So what is the cause of Sevconitis? Simply put in one word: Arrogance.