Helen Flanagan – Etims Agony Aunt!

Its not just Celtic who can announce a wonderful signing from down South this week.
Here at Etims, we are proud to announce that Helen Flanagan* has joined the team as resident Agony Aunt.

Send your worries, your woes, your disaster stories to Helen and she will use all her worldly experience to advise you on how to move forward…heres the initial set of letters we have just received:

Dear Helen

Im distraught. I was recently let go by my employer and it wasnt looking too good for me in my old home town. Thankfully I got an offer which I jumped at even if it meant some upheaval. Sadly the excitement got a little too much for me and the first time I was out with guys from the new company, I opened my legs to a total stranger and made a complete fool  of myself in front of everyone. They even took pictures and they have been sent all over town and beyond. Will I ever be able to raise my head again?

Helen writes
Oh darling, that reminds me of the time I got the Bettabuys modelling gig just after the Promo contract with Newton and Ridley was withdrawn…I thought easy peasy and that i would soon be heading for Vogue but sure enough it ended up with me legs akimbo straddling 300 tins of beans, – they werent event Heinz. Suffice to say I was not amused but wee Reg Holdsworth seemed to enjoy himself.

Best thing is to get yourself in with the gossip brigade…take them to lunch, buy them a few drinks, give them some juice and get them onside.  Is there any chance of you getting some positive coverage darling, I hope so, I really do.

Dear Helen

I need your advice urgently.
I was at  real low ebb 4 years, I had been living it up for far too long on borrowed funds and loose promises. It all came crashing down and and in truth I ended up acting suicidal. Through the help of some truly unbelievable friends, I somehow managed to re-invent myself and finally thought i was getting back to where i should be.

Then I met with an exotic sweet-talker from far away. This charmer promised me riches, power, glory. Some people  tried to warn me but I was blinded by my old lusts. So far it all seems be just me who gives him riches power and glory whenever he deems my company worth keeping, in truth im lucky to see him from one month to the next but I hear rumours he’s playing fast and loose with my money despite his well fed and watered friends constantly saying that everything is fine.

Im getting nothing out of this relationship bar taken down the same old road to self destruction again. All i want is my dignity and respect back, is there anythin you can advise before the roof comes crashing in on me again?

TRFC , Glasgow SouthWest

Helen writes

Oh darling, this reminds me of the time I turned my back on the old Weatherfield streets and left the cosy nest of Kev and Sally. I had to seek other ways of paying the bills after the modelling money for doing those tasteful flyers for Roys Rolls was no longer available. It was tough not having that cushion but I swallowed my pride and headed to the Jungle. When i was in the Jungle, I turned my back on those old superficial false ways, I faced the bare truth of where I truly was in the world, and when i say bare, well make up free and cold wet showers in front of 6 carefully placed cameras for a fortnight was NOT easy i can  tell you!.
Im sure you’re already a lot more humble in your actions and once you complete that journey of self realisation, you wont need to worry about that cash grabbing charmer for I have a feeling that he will be long gone soon enough.
You are more humble these days, arent you darling, arent you?

Dear Helen
Hoping you can give me some advice. I was a little bit down but suddenly life is great again. Im doing well at work and people are really friendly and just love congratulating me and tell me how much they like me. I feel the world is my oyster at the moment. The only issue is that I have been here before, flying high and then crashing down hard. Anything you can advise on how to survive that feeling of impending doom?

B, Glasgow East End

Helen writes

Dear B, trust in yourself. When I fell off those rollerskates while doing some  cash in hand leaflet work for Barlows Bookies,  did I just lie there on the cobbles outside Nicks Bistro?, Oh no I did not! I got straight back up and before long I was landing a great gig doing some hair extension modelling for Audrey Roberts.

In life we will all fall, its the getting back up that counts so fear not. Just you Go and fly B, (fly B gettit!..oh how my wee sister Rosie loved my sense of humour!)

Dear Helen
Once upon a time I was like you, people loved to look at me and smile. Well at least half of the people did, now sadly, people just look at me and laugh. Im out of shape and out of their hearts and minds. Is there anything I can do before I’m trawling the gutter?
-N, Glentoran

Helen writes

Sadly N, Im just an agony aunt, not a miracle worker. Remember keeping a lovely body is a 24 hour task so I hope you diet in your sleep!

Dear Helen

I dont know what to do. Its all a bit blurry really. One minute I was all settled and next thing I knew, I had a big lump of cash thrust in front of me, ended up in a strange town with a new bunch of mates and before I knew it, I only went and scored. It was crazy and at one point I was feeling hands all over me. I dont know how I can tell my lovely wife back home..oh no what if she already knows?

Helen writes

Scott, call me NOW!

* Not really joined 🙂