It’s close to midnight and Craig Whyte is lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
‘Cause this is Sevco, Sevco night
And no one’s gonna save you from the man about to strike
You know it’s Sevco, Sevco night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, Sevco tonight
You hear the door slam and realize there’s nowhere left to run
You feel Craigy’s cold hand and wonder if you’ll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear him creepin’ up behind
You’re out of time
‘Cause this is Sevco, Sevco night
And no one’s gonna save you from the man about to strike
You know it’s Sevco, Sevco night
You’re fighting for your life inside a killer, Sevco tonight
Night creatures call and the dead start to walk in their masquerade
There’s no escapin’ the jaws of Craigy this time
(they’re open wide)
This is the end of your life
How the Devil are you all? Not as happy as Craig Whyte we bet. And why mention the legendary figure we hear you ask? Well, no one else in the media does and as we all know he’s the only show in Sevconia town. More on the great man later…
So we are back for our bi-annual assault on your senses with enough pish to fill your incontinence pants many times over. Think of the Rumour Mill as the cousin you meet every now and again. You go for a few pints and sit and listen as he fills you made up nonsense on your five hour bender. You know he talks shite. He knows he talks shite but he is harmless enough and before you know it he’s away telling a stranger at the bar about the time he had a threesome with Kylie and Danni twenty years ago and still has their numbers on speed-dial.
What this we hear about Celtic hosting roadshows as they take trophies out to visit supporters around Scotland and Ireland? Didn’t the club used to do this in the old days when a player would turn up at a CSC end of season POTY awards do and try and get off with your missus when your back was turned?
What’s this we hear about Nike looking at Black and Silver hooped away strips? You heard it here last…
So according to FIFA Rangers are dead. http://www.fifa.com/world-match-centre/news/newsid/197/701/7/index.html
Salt’n’sauce wi ma chips ya bassa. Who you lookin it? Who you fcuken lookin it? Yie wantin it, eh, yie wantin it? Ah’ll fcuken do you ken. I wull, I fcuken wull. Right, moan then. Moan then ya bassa. Ah’ll pavement dance aw the fcuk ah want and nae cnut will stoap me.
That was a transcript of our recent interview with Leigh Griffiths.
So who would Lenny really love to play the elusive striker role for Celtic? We could do what we normally do and google some obscure leagues in Europe, pluck a few names from the list and say him, definitely him. But that is so last year. According to our pish stained mole the strikers Lenny would love (puts Kevin Keegan voice on) really love is Jordan Rhodes or Alfred Finnbogason. Unfortunately for us Blackburn offered a ridiculous amount for Rhodes last year and put Jordan well out of our price range. Lenny knows Jordan would walk to Glasgow to play for Celtic and if there was a sniff he could get him in the £4-5m range we understand a deal could be made. With Blackburn challenging Cardiff and Bolton as the craziest run clubs down south it was only a matter of time before a fire sale would take place…
We understand he’s been hawked around the EPL for around £8m with no takers. Desperate times call for desperate measures and a wee nod was placed our way that Jordan is available for £6.5m. Still out of our range but transfer deadline day is full of mentalists and Lenny wants two strikers. Think Wolf of Wall Street and you are halfway there. Keep watching this space….but summer far more likely.
Rhodes? Fcuken Rhodes. Who is he, who the fcuk is he? Ah’ll tell yie whit the fcuk he is. He’s ma bawsack that’s whit he is.
Look Leigh stop bloody interrupting.
Are those running Celtic really unhappy about hosting the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony? Free major clean-up of the surrounding area. New car park. New road. Big cut of the ticket money, catering and a free visit from the Queen (bless you Ma’am). What more could anyone want?
Regarding the Commonwealth Games, what’s the biggest danger? The Green brigade singing Queen Betty’s Fenian army? Don’t be daft. Peter Lawwell telling Prince Philip “You’re in my seat”? Nope. We are told, by our man in the Glasgow Catholic Mafia that London Road is causing serious, serious concern. It seems the old railway which runs under the Gallowgate and London road is giving plenty of worries. Did you hear about the sinkhole appearing in a house in the Calton? Of course you didn’t. What’s a sinkhole btw? Worries are that a major calamity, much bigger that the wee holes that appeared outside the old school last year could occur. Let’s be careful out there.
By the way, if those Celtic stewards are so good why aren’t they getting the Commonwealth Games gig?
What’s this about Chinese people phoning Peter?
Thorgan Hazard is being scouted.
With RIFC Ltd shares now at 25p how much will rookie manager Ally McCoist’s wages need to be backed up in order to keep him in the standard he expects? Can you issue options at 1p a share without anyone knowing?
Was Chuckles really involved in a recent Sevco tele-conference? We would find this impossible to believe.
So the Bunnet has been asked by the club to return for a 20th anniversary applause at Celtic Park. He made an absolute fortune but the wee man deserved it. Would have been great if he was in charge during Dougie-gate and the Sevco five-way-agreement nonsense. He would have ripped the SFA apart. Pity no one at the club has cojones as big as his.
Did Gary Hooper really say “oh F*ck no!” when he found out Norwich’s four final fixtures are against Liverpool, Man United, Chelsea and Arsenal? Relegation clause anyone?
Hoopa? Hoopa? I’d nut that Cockney radge in the baws afore he hid the chance tae say apples and pears, apples and pears.
Will you bloody calm down Leigh.
Talking about Norwich….Robert Snodgrass or Snoddy to his pals which sounds like wearing a snorkel and trying to blow your nose. Snoddy is as big a Tim as they come. Local Gallowgate Bhoy who attended St Mungo’s and whose dream is to play for Celtic. Everybody knows this, although it does help when a close pal of Lenny’s who is also a manager and sees Snoddy a few times a season has acted as unofficial intermediary. Bottom line is Snoddy wants to play for Celtic. We can sign him on a Bosman in twelve months time but Lenny wants him now and the player is desperate to join Celtic immediately. We have made a bid and want him in before the window closes. They want £4m. Watch Norwich transfers in tomorrow very closely. This one may well go to the wire with Celtic also willing to offer a Kayal or a Sami in a potential deal.
Quite amazing that Media House who did an incredible job of manipulating the media for Rangers for so many years now earn the wrath of the Sevco fans. Jack has been a great servant to Mr Murray, Mr Whyte, Mr Green and Mr Easdale. Bloody ingrates the lot of them.
Oh almost forgot. We hear wee Chris shat his breeks big style after receiving a call from Jack. “Wee shitebag put in his place” is the throwaway line we hear from a friend of a friend.
We’ve had tentative enquiries from three clubs for Joe Ledley. Expect Cardiff to make a formal offer today of £1m. Balls in Joe’s court as he’s out of contract in a few months. Not very good asset management…..
The English Championship is in major financial difficulties and are begging us to move there along with a handful of other Scottish clubs. We’ve heard all this rubbish before and to be honest (hey we’ve become Ally!) are a bit tired of it. However, the source this time is an interesting character some of who’s stuff we’ve used before and he’s been right….he also says SKY are try to make a British League Cup from the quarter finals onwards. Don’t quite see the appeal of this for the English clubs but hey, we are just the messenger so put your crossbows away.
In case any fool ever denies Rangers liquidation. Here’s the notice paper http://www.edinburgh-gazette.co.uk/issues/27190/notices/44
Sir David Murray…..France…..Craig Whyte…..France…..Charles Green…..France…..Laxey Partners……France. Nope we can’t quite work out the link either.
Pope Francis, who apart from being a great guy, is also we hear a passionate football fan. San Lorenzo is his team but we understand from our Swiss Guard source that Papa knows all about Celtic going way back to our games with Racing Club for the World Club championship in 1967. Is a trip to Paradise coinciding with a visit to Scotland in 2017 really being planned…..
Exclusive photo capturing Paul Murray in his youth http://cdn.totallycostumes.com/images/fzv-97554-90s-rapper-quiff-wig_300_400_5_SMI-42009.jpg
So what did Celtic and the other top tier clubs really get out of the demise of Rangers? The SFA are still there with the same names much to the frustration of many. Look a bit closer and you’ll see the wheels of power have changed. The removal of Sevco loving Longmuir and Ballantyne was a major change as the Scottish League is now gone and full control with the SPFL. The power, the decision, the way ahead is primarily determined by Celtic, Aberdeen, Dundee Utd and Hibs with major backing from the vast majority of clubs who make up the top 20 in Scottish football. Football has changed for good in Scotland. Watch this space…
And on that front, what’s that we hear about plans for a new Executive committee at the SFA? Whatever happened to the unseen hand? Is it going to be extremely visible very, very soon!
Rumours reach us that Paul Murray now has his fingers all over Keith Jackson’s column.
What costs £80k and goes 20,000 miles? The Celtic “Assessment” group at the world cup of course. Most of us will just have to make do with a 6 pack and a big telly on the wall!
We’ve received calls regarding Stokes availability. At least one bid is expected today.
This being top dogs doesn’t sit easy with us but we’ll tell you who it does rest easy with;
One player who has caught our scouts attention this season is young Chelsea striker Patrick Bamford. The forward was on loan at MK Dons in the first half of the season and we hear was exceptional. He’s now recently joined Derby on loan and once more is looking very impressive. Highly unlikely he’ll get an opportunity at Chelsea so one to keep an eye on as he’s well within our budget this summer and ticks all the boxes.
Bamford? You pullin ma chain ya dobber?
Deep breath Leigh, deep breath.
What’s Michael Kadlec up to nowadays?
Remember the days when Sami said things such as “I wouldn’t go and play at a struggling team battling relegation just for the wage”? Well it seems it’s better that playing for a team struggling to pay you wages after a record years money making and much assisted by your Champions League goals of course. Beware Greeks with well-deserved petted lips seems a pretty apt phrase. Our man in the know says poor Sami was offered less than his current deal and this was after taking a wage cut to sign for Celtic.
We hear Lenny believes Liam Henderson has the potential to be a top player and is the best prospect he’s seen during his time at the club. A season long loan to an English lower league club wouldn’t be a bad option considering the success of Callum McGregor at Notts County.
Are the Green Brigade returning to their own section at Celtic Park? Probably not this season as many have told the club where to go after their awful treatment following the Fir Park seat breaking incident when they were hung out to dry without doing anything wrong and still haven’t received an explanation or an apology from Peter La, erm, the club. We hear the Glasgow’s Green and Whyte Bhoys will be in the stadium pretty soon at a different ‘day tripper’ location. We also hear the clubs plan for a 2000 capacity safe standing section will be in Section 111 and they are wanted back in there. Questions though….will it be safe with them there and their lateral breakdancing and the big guy farting away in tune with his drum?
We like Ryan Gauld a lot.
Good to see Delia’s Norwich seemed to have patched things up with Paul Lambert. We assume they must have asked him if Lenny was worth pursuing if Hughton doesn’t turn it around pretty soon…
Additional bars should be open inside the stadium this summer in time for next season.
Remember that old Michael Keaton movie, you know the one, the one where you say an annoying yet magical entities name 3 times and the weird looking guy in black and white apparel appears to cause equal amounts of smiles and frustration? Altogether now for the Celtic remake…
If not now, then the summer, unless America beats us to it. Now there’s your bum doing something, even it isn’t getting on seats!
£1.2m a year tax free. That’s surely not enough to make Scott Brown consider a move to America is it?
Bits of the roof falling down at Snake Mountain. Wasn’t that Hee-Man bassa was it?
First it was Fraser Forster, now it looks like Lenny is thinking of taking more from Newcastle, a scouting policy. We hear John Park’s been getting his hawheehaws in order and for a man who fair knows his onions will soon be on his bike to check out a few players in La Liga 1 and 2. Altogether now. OGC Nice to see you, to see you OGC Nice.
Speaking of Park’s, who started the Parks to Sevco rumour? We hear it was big Yogi who made that booboo. Yogi, Park, Ranger, Booboo….och suit yirself.
Talking about Fraser. There’s big interest and we mean big interest in him from the EPL and further afield. £10m is the starting price and it’s not put many off. Club is not encouraging bids but accepts it’s the way of the world. Ideal scenario is waiting until the summer but today is a big day. Watch this space…
The club is very impressed with attacking midfielder Zakaria Labyad.
Offensive Behaviour Act. What’s all this nonsense about Sir Peter of Bonus playing an integral part in agreeing to the act?
Still makes us smile. God bless Charlotte Fakeovers!
Whyte “McCoist is manipulative and a crap manager”.
Whyte “I wouldn’t let anyone involved in the previous board anywhere near the club. Paul Murray is a wanker”.
D&P “Brian Kennedy was putting no money in and wanted £2m back as soon as the season ticket money arrived”.
Whyte “It’s amazing he (Walter Smith) is complaining about state of the club when he’s taken as much money from the club as anyone”.
D&P “We were having a press conference to update everyone on the Bill Millar situation and all this one guy in the media would keep shouting time after time is why aren’t you selling to the Blue Knights.
Whyte “Was it Keith Jackson?”
D&P “Yes, him”.
Whyte “He’s a Prick”.
D&P “Kennedy said he wanted me to inform the media there was no other option but major cost cutting and then he would swoop in as the saviour”.
What’s happening at Sevco then? Don’t you read the Daily Record? Ah, silly us. Dave King Solomon (convicted criminal) and fellow BIG BIG BIG ‘Rangers’ men like Paul Murray and Jim McColl (he’s not really) had ample opportunities to buy the old club from David Murray for £1 but weren’t interested. They had ample opportunities to buy from D&P but weren’t interested and had ample opportunities to buy shares and guess what….Yip, they’re not interested. Our man in the know, for talking sake we’ll call him Chuckles, tells us they want the club for nothing and with no debt. Basically the liquidated corpse. As they didn’t put the £5m up front they lost out to Craig Whyte’s consorti, erm Charles Green’s group of investors. They’ve been using “Prick” Jackson for a year now to undermine the current lot of spivs in the hope of a fan revolt to chase them from Ibrox thus allowing the ‘real Rangers men’ to come in and run the club. Unfortunately for them the spivs are several moves ahead and Sevco fans are subservient. They know their place in the hierarchy below the Queen, Jeanette Krankie and Mr Abie. The other major obstacle as the legendary John Bomber Brown shouted on the Ibrox doorstep is “who owns the deeds, who owns the fcuken deeds”.
So where do they go from here? Is it down to the lake they fear? Aye aye aye aye aye aye. Aye aye aye aye aye aye aye aye.
They are Donald Ducked. No pot to piss in and the Spivs have taken a massive cut of the IPO cash. They’ll move many on in the final few hours of the transfer window and this should see them through until an early call for season ticket monies at a vastly increased rate. If the dafties, sorry fans, buy in they’ll get a few more months. If they don’t Admin is certain and a CVA required with the major shareholders / creditors (did they really get a recent £2m overdraft from one of the Spivs companies?) calling the shots. You’ll never guess who they are…
Our man believes Admin is certain and it would suit many of them do it before the season ends as they are guaranteed promotion. What this means for the integrity of the game (stop laughing) and for ripping the pish out of their fans who invested in the IPO is another thing. But remember this is still a sideshow. The two elephants in the room are the HMRC big tax case appeal hearing in three weeks time and who owns the deeds to Ibrox and Murray Park.
Oh to hell with it. An oldie but a classic from a Dons fan. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H8x_59EjZOs
Welcome to Celtic Leigh Griffiths. You’ve been a young bawbag like many before you. Here’s hoping you’ve grown up and do well for Celtic.
Overseas billionaires. Not the Craig Whyte type but the real ones. Champions League exposure is such a major attraction nowadays. Must be extremely challenging for the Kaiser to say thanks but no thanks to tentative queries about his willingness to sell. Every man has his price though, doesn’t he?
Watch the transfer window tick down. If Lee Wallace is still at Ibrox tomorrow evening be prepared for a very late bid from Celtic. Lenny is a big fan and Wallace would play for Celtic as it’s a very different world from years ago. Seriously…..watch this space…
Until the next time…
P.S. AFRICA! Senegal centre half man mountain Papy Djilobodji is impressing a lot of people. Nantes has been a popular visiting spot in recent months.