ETims Rumour Mill
The name’s Milla. Rui Milla. Licence to shite on the street.
I’ve been away a long time. Some say too long. On a mission. A mission to ensure fairness defeats greed. Good beats evil and tax dodgers pay their dues. I have been on her majesties secret revenues and customs service. Some say you only live twice. Not me. My motto is simple. I liquidate you, you die.
A big hello to our friend Craig and his burd Charlotte. Hello.
A big hello to Scotland’s newest club when they liquidate again in a few month’s time. Cheerio.
So Celtic signs a Virgil. Not many Virgins around Parkhead way. According to a source we don’t have in the Dutch media and the great Derek Rae we’ve signed a very good player. We’ll soon see right enough. So that’s a 6 foot 4ins forward from Portugal and now a 6 foot 4ins defender from Holland. To counter balance this we suggest a 5 foot 1 in goalie from Tahiti. See us, see scouting, piece of cake.
Hearts, Hearts, glorious farts it’s down at Tynecastle they play…..for now…..but maybe Livingston’s ground in the near future. With the departure of Rangers from football (21 gun army salute please with a little bit of abseiling throw in) and Hearts in administration and quite possibly on the brink of insolvency, it looks like Vadar’s forces of darkness Deathstar is one shot away from explosion. A 15 point deduction into next season is the least of their worries as we hear friends of a Motherwell born billionaire © “Prick” Jackson, have already made a move to get involved. You see Hearts have one major advantage over Rangers when it comes to buying cheap and making a killing. Tynecastle is on absolute prime development land. Let CVA take its course and then take control of club before selling the stadium and surrounding land in next 12-24 months and then either renting Murrayfield or Almondvale (more likely).
There is another option which we feel must be considered. With Hearts being the east coast cousins of Sevco a more natural conclusion would be to finalise the deal and merge both clubs. Ladies and gentlemen we give you….drum roll please.
Heart of Sevconian.
Dundee United punter on twitter put a cracking gag out the other night. With news that Tahiti beat New Caledonia to win the Oceanic group our man wanted to know just when Scotland were liquidated.
Who said “We wish the new Rangers Football Club every good fortune”
Why Sevco Chairman Walter Smith of course http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/18503656
Players moving out. Word on the street according to our pal Mincey Poo is Liverpool have made a ridiculous offer for Victor Wanyama Victor Wanyama Wanyama Wanyama Ooo Oooh. This of course could mean anything but Mince assures us it will smash the current Scottish transfer record, which is the £10m(ish) we got for Aiden McGeady. With Arsenal and a plethora of other regular Champions League clubs already making it clear they want Victor it’s clear a bidding war is underway. Very unfortunate to lose a class act but this is the world we live in and if Lenny gets the majority of sales cash to reinvest in the team we quite possibly will be even stronger next season due to our damn hot scouting system. Oh almost forgot. Our La Liga source told us a few months that ALL the top clubs in Europe have made informed Celtic of their interest in Victor, including Barca.
What’s this, the BBC won’t be sending Derek Ferguson to cover any Sevco 2nd Division games? Surely some mistake.
Reading have offered £5m for Hooper according to the rags and this follows on from Hull’s reported offer of £4m. We don’t see Hooper going to any of those clubs and Celtic certainly won’t be selling for £5m. If we were betting men we’d suggest £7m with either Sunderland or West Ham being his likely destination.
So Media House have been in bed with David Murray, Craig Whyte and ran most of the Scottish media for years. Who in the paranoid community would have thunk it? A drunken source informs us that Jack of all trades ran weekly teleconferences with the mainstream lot to review their top news stories and put his spin on them before they published. Pretty disgusting behaviour from the certain sections of the media but an insight into the murky world of how they operate not only in football but also in general politics and news stories. Watching their ‘brief’ on the one-sided independence reporting says a lot. Hopefully more and more people use the multitude of new media sources to gather their facts rather than the agenda laden chip wrapper crap from most in the Scottish press.
What about Pirlo’s recent comments about Celtic. We are a great club with a great tradition, great stadium, amazing supporters and a damn fine good team. Pirlo suggests Celtic should be targeting the quarter finals of next year’s Champions League. What a guy. Is he pining for a season or two with Celtic before hanging up his Mick Jagger locks?
For those of you not on twitter – move yir arse quick – there’s been an incredible amount of dirt released by Craig Whyte’s burd @Charlottefakes
Our international woman of mystery – has been releasing incredible information about the close relationship between our hero Craig Whyte (we are not worthy….we are not worthy), the windbag that was Charles Green (are you aware he’s from Yorkshire?) and Duff and Phelps. If you cast your mind back to February last year. Rangers entered administration and Craig Whyte sneakily appointed D&P as administrators. They went on to become the slowest administrators in the history of the trade and ensured the process ran a lot longer than expected and milked millions from the dying club. So what’s the bad news we hear you ask? None to report really – however – as D&P were in negotiations with the Blue Knights, Bill Millar and Charles Green in JUNE last year, a process Craig Whyte should have been nowhere near, it was amazing to hear audio released of him in cosy meetings with the administrators as they worked to ensure Charles Green got the gig.
There were some interesting observations released by Whyte and co.
Whyte “McCoist is manipulative and a crap manager”.
Whyte “I wouldn’t let anyone involved in the previous board anywhere near the club. Paul Murray is a wanker”.
D&P “Brian Kennedy was putting no money in and wanted £2m back as soon as the season ticket money arrived”.
Whyte “It’s amazing he (Walter Smith) is complaining about state of the club when he’s taken as much money from the club as anyone”.
D&P “We were having a press conference to update everyone on the Bill Millar situation and all this one guy in the media would keep shouting time after time is why aren’t you selling to the Blue Knights.
Whyte “Was it Keith Jackson?”
D&P “Yes, him”.
Whyte “He’s a Prick”.
D&P “Kennedy said he wanted me to inform the media there was no other option but major cost cutting and then he would swoop in as the saviour”.
D&P “Kennedy would lift the phone straight to Jim Traynor and Keith Jackson and they would publish exactly what he told them”.
Whyte “They were promised jobs at the club if he gained control. The Scottish media are scumbags”.
Whyte “Lennon is on £300k, McCoist £750k and Smith £1.75m per year”.
D&P “Who’s the big lad from Arsenal? He was doing well until he got a groin injury and was out for four weeks”.
Whyte “Bartley. He caught Herpes from a girl in Glasgow”.
This was just a flavour, albeit a horrible minging one after the Bartley comedy gold comment but yet not one person in the Scottish media has ran with any of this information, which is enough to fill the front pages for weeks. So our drunken source said he’d do something strange and some may say rather daring. He carried out some digging….
It appears Charlotte has only released a very small percentage of her information. Many hacks are in fear of what’s still to be released as are prominent members of the current Sevco board, ex-owners of Oldco, football administrators and a pretty “crap manager”. Our man advises there’s enough explosives to capture that bloody annoying Roadrunner. Meep Meep. Fasten your seatbelts folks as things are about to take a new incredible twist.
Jabba has been very, very, very quiet recently, hasn’t he?
Nice to see former (and possibly future) Celtic target Oweny Coyle land the gig at Wigan. Means he won’t need to move house, which is nice. We hear he was asked about taking up the Number 2 role at Man United with David Moyes. Some folk sure have it tough, eh!
What’s the world’s press doing watching the Larsson father and son act during the week? Don’t they know we already have first dibs?
Big Fraser pretty certain to move on. Like Victor and Hooper an early bidding war has commenced with Celtic making a fortune on all three deals. There’s no rush to sell any of them with the more public announcements from interested parties just turning up the heat for rivals for their signatures. We hear the club is in absolutely no rush to sell and it’s likely all three players will be with us for at least our first two Champions League qualifying rounds. Sunderland making early running for big Frisbee but we hear there’s genuine interest from La Liga.
We hear a new keeper coming in has all but been agreed. He might surprise some of you…
Joe Kinnear…Joking ‘Ere! Just when you thought Pardew’s stress at Newcastle couldn’t get any higher they go and hire wee Joe as Director of Football. We hear suggestions of “Hoi Alan, You fancy us playing the Sellick” were met with a “WTF”
Was there really 200 Marlboro in Paddy’s Lennoxtown locker when it was cleared out? Don’t be silly, it was 400. Best of luck Paddy.
Talking of youth. It’s not just South America and Australia that Celtic are looking at. Asia beckons. The Lions City Cup in Singapore was enjoyed by a few Celtic eyes and we hear some new names are down on the list for ones to watch and sponsors are interested in an invite being offered to the club.
Has Aiden really pleaded with Lenny to bring him home?
After Regan gets a pay rise of 13%, have the media staff really been warned about running up expensive Data Charges (surely not their Twitter accounts!)…Go SFA, save the pennies and watch the pounds slide out the door!
Anyone heard of DFL Digital Sports?
Good to see unemployment figures falling in Scotland, shame they are due to rise soon with the SFL engulfed by the SPL. That said, we fancy this new BBC Back to Work Show to be launched “101 uses for a Jim Ballantyne / David Longmuir”. We suggest “Do the Chuckle Brothers need any stunt doubles?”
Lenny has spoken to Faddy and informed him he’ll take him in as part of the squad. Low basic wages topped up by good match appearance fees. Faddy’s also spoken to a few Scottish and English clubs. He’d prefer to play every week and knows it won’t happen at Celtic. Big decision ahead.
Richard Wilson of the Herald is best mates with Chris ‘please love me as I am’ Graham. We’d never of thought that especially after Richard’s comments last year when stomped his third foot and opined “Air of unreality as 140 years of history is formally ended in less than nine minutes…The Rangers creditors drifted in through Exit 50 at Ibrox Stadium just before 10am and by 10.09am they were on their way out. In those few minutes 140 years of history had been rubbed out”.
Full article here;
Tricky Dickie would love to remove this article forever from the clutches of google as you’ll never hear him mention it again or his wee pal Chris ‘Union’ Jack at the Evening Times.
What’s happened to Charles Greens book? Surely he hasn’t fecked off with an advance and left Jabba looking like a muppet (we know, we know). Deadlines …so well named!
New players in. We keep hearing an Argentinean player is about to join. Different people in the team have heard this from different drunken sources. Hey, it may have been the same drunken source at a recent drunken night out! Who knows? It’s a rumour anyway that just won’t go away. Has John Park been in South America recently? Answers on an electronic postcard to firstname.lastname@example.org
Our directors have been extremely busy in recent months. On the back of an incredible victory over Barca and the worldwide attention this received, we’ve been inundated with offers from a wide range of clubs and a wide range of people running the game. Friendlies here and friendlies there is one thing but a place at the top table with football body executives is another. According to our pish stained Wee Man’s source the wheel is turning far quicker than at any time over the past decade in terms of change in football that will affect Celtic in a positive light with several hot irons in the fire. Talks have taken place with Scudamore, European parties in a similar position to us with UEFA execs overseeing the discussions and Championship clubs who are man informs are “F#cken desperate” to get Celtic into their league as soon as possible. The demise of Rangers just may quite wonderfully prove the catalyst for Celtic’s departure to a more lucrative market.
Football’s a funny old game.
Any info to share? Have you also caught herpes from a girl in Glasgow? Any made up wind and pish so mind-bogglingly rubbish that it may just be true? Well share it with us. Drop us a note to email@example.com and we promise to leave out the truth and print the shite.
We are on twitter every day spouting even more nonsense. You can get us on @etimsnet and join in the fun.
We now have many podcasts up and running on iTunes. Simply search ETims on both there and spreaker for enough wind to electrify Glasgow for a year. Interview coming next week with Celtic legend Tom Boyd.
Finally, this in our view is the finest piece of information collation on Rangers death. It contains quotes from Walter Smith, Richard Gough, Jim Traynor and many others confirming Rangers are dead. And all this captured by a Hibby!
Please open the link and store as a favourite and use time after time to challenge the lies and misinformation spread by many within the Scottish media.
Well that’s all from me and that’s all from him.
P.S. Craig Whyte is about to end an Ibrox club for the second time and take the SFA with him this time. Watch this space…