When Stevie Met Pedro: An Etims Exclusive
El Cormaco has somehow found a transcript of a telephone conversation which appears to be between Steven Gerrard and Pedro Caixinha.
Gerrard has been struggling to come to terms with life at “rangers “, and has turned to his predecessor for advice on how to handle the job. This allegedly took place shortly after Caixinhas success in Mexico, where his new club have recently won the cup, or something.
We have no idea if its genuine, and as we always do when we’re not sure, we thought that you should make your own mind up…
With the heat rising on rookie Steven Gerrard he picks up the phone to a former Ibrox manager for some pointers on how to deal with the pressure…
Phone rings in Mexico
SG: Pedro? Pedro Caixinha?
PC: Siiii, soy Pedro, y tu?
PC: Hola? Soy Pedro…
A further 5 minutes elapse until Pedro realises the caller is speaking in English
PC: Steven? Steven Gerrard? Ah hello my friend? How are yous?
SG: Yeah Pedro, its Steven, I’m okay mate, you know, okay, how are you?
PC: Ah, it’s good to hear you Steven. I am a very well, is very good, I am here in Mexico, but Steven, I must tell you, my heart, mi curacon, it is still with Glasgow, with this fantastic club the Rangers team. How are yous? How is this job as manager of Rangers for you? Is it all okay?
SG: Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, I wondered if I can pick your brains?
PC: Steven, I must tell you, you are now this manager, if you want to pick Jurbrains then you must select him, I don’t know this players but I believe in you so…
SG: No, he’s not a player, I wanted to speak to you, get some advice, you know, how to handle a few things?
PC: Of course, I see all is clearly now, but I am sorry Steven, I don’t know this players Fyutings also, so I cannot give advices for how is best to handle with him
SG: Eh, Pedro, no he’s not a player either, I just wanted to ask your opinion on a few things
PC: I say already I don’t know this player Fyutings Steven
SG: No Pedro, I think we’ve got crossed wires
PC: Ross Wires? This is another players I cannot remember Steven. Do you mean Ross McCrorie? This players I remember very much, a fantastic players, is he now the first players in the defence for Scotland’s team, as I predict to the media?
SG: Eh, no, I told everyone he’s not a defender but a midfielder but haven’t played him in months as he’s a total dud
PC: Interesting… is he a possibility for a loaning transfer to me here in Mexico?
SG: Eh, could be actually, I’ve no use for him. Let’s come back to that. Can I ask you a few questions though Pedro?
PC: Always mi amigo
SG: Yeah, cool, whatever. So, Pedro, I’m getting a bit of a hard time from some of the fans and the press now, and I just wondered if you have any advice?
PC: This is a fantastic question Steven, fantastic, really, I’m meaning this. So let me think, how did I deals with this pressures….Have you say “We are the people”, the fans is always happy when I say this for them
SG: What’s it mean?
PC: I have not idea!! Can you believe!? I only know like a magic spell it makes all this fans very happy
SG: Okay, I’ll think on that one. Anything else mate?
PC: Ah, I remember a great things which I do, I tell everyone they cannot wear the green boots. This make all fans very happy Pedro is manager of Ranger team
SG: Green boots?
PC: Yes! One day Mr Traynor, I remember he tell me “Pedro, ya bam, these supporters hate Celtic above everything else” and I think about this, and of course, Celtics their colours it is green, no? So Pedro, he says “no more green boots”. All fans is very happy with this idea, some in the street they tell me “good on ye Pedro, stannnin up fur wur kulchur n tha” or something like this, I never really understand what they saying, but I think he was happy even if he is very fat and smelling
SG: Yeah, I’ve noticed the fat and the smelling. Okay, green boots, noted. What about slaughtering your players in public? Did you do that?
PC: Of course my amigo, this is classic Pedro move. Have you done this thing?
SG: Yeah I have
PC: And? How does this work, do players play better?
SG: No, they were total sh*te after it
PC: (laughing) this is the way for me too! Dids you also remember to also say responsibility is you before to do this, this is important part of actions?
SG: Yeah mate, I said blame me, then I immediately blamed the players
PC: Okay…. well I don’t know, you do it exactly the correct way. Have you completely change the team?
SG: Yeah, I have, I got rid of all the sh*t you brought in and got a load of new sh*te instead, mainly loans because you spent all the money
PC: Very good actions Steven, is exactly what I do when I become manager in Rangers. And do fans likes this new players?
SG: At first they did yeah, but then they all realised they were just as sh*te as the last lot
PC: I understanding. This can happens. Have you also say all other teams is against Ranger and all referees are against Ranger also?
SG: First thing I did mate.
PC: My friends, you are doing the exactly right way. I cannot know what to tell you. Ah I know one things, Carlos Pena will soon be back for Ranger, this player Steven, this player is a such a fantastic players, he ..
SG: Wait, Pena, isn’t he the big fat guy with hair like a fairground worker?
PC: Exactly this! But more, he is always so drunk also, but even in this time he can break the lines of blocking, running so powerfully for five or even ten minutes until he is tired
SG: Hmmn. Not sure on that one mate. What about training tactics? Any thoughts?
PC: Well, have you say the training before is not enough?
SG: Yeah, of course, I said they weren’t fit enough as soon as I arrived, and blamed the last coaching staff
PC: This is exactly the way. Have you also tried to make everythings so complicated that is impossible to understand?
SG: Eh, actually I don’t know, I’ve just tried to make them hard to beat, you know, working on defensive shape
PC: No, no, no in this things I have some advices. Always use the many technical jargons, be confused in your signing from the side of the pitch, show always the players are not dong the things you want, but if they ask you want you wants, be very very confusing in your answers. And if the newspapers men want to know what you meaning with your many movements take some salt and some water to explain them, but in a confusing way
SG: Good advice Pedro, good advice. Listen I gotta go here, good to catch up with you
PC: Any time my friend, and let me know about McCrorie, what a centre defender…