07:00 Wakes up. Turns off Sash alarm. Better check phone for messages. 10 missed calls from Chris Graham and 4 love letter e-mails from Mark Mingwall. Hmm, a few less than normal. Must have a word with those two.<\/p>\n
08:00 Breakfast time. Gallon of Orange juice, I love Orange, and boiled egg with soldiers and some fruit. Not any old soldiers. This is my private army of volunteers from the Union of Fandangos. Soldiers\u2026.blow cold air on my plums NOW<\/p>\n
09:00 Right, time to phone Jackson. Hi Keith, yeah I know you want my babies but listen to me damn God. I want to issue a statement in your paper ASAP. The message is I have \u00a330m stored in a secret place so secret that even I don\u2019t know where it is. I don\u2019t care what you do with it. Embellish the fcuk out of it and make it sound like I\u2019m a billionaire with wealth off the radar (click).<\/p>\n
11:00 Nothing online yet. I\u2019ll have a word with that snivelling basturt Jackson soon. Who else to call? I know Dick Wilson. He\u2019d kiss my boaby if I let him. Hi Dick, what do you mean you are all wet? Shut up for a minute. Look, I\u2019m issuing a statement. I need you to publish an article saying the board are crooks and I\u2019m a devilishly handsome Glasgow born trillionaire who shites golden eggs. Make it happen and mind, I still have that injunction on you!<\/p>\n
13:00 Time for lunch with Ally Lamont. He\u2019s normally good for succulent lamb and a bottle of fine red. I\u2019m looking dapper in my dark blue suit and brown brogues. Hi Al, great to see you. No, no, no I don\u2019t need you to clean my shoes with your tongue. Tell you what it is. I need you to publish a statement telling the World I have more money that Rockefeller and the World will end if the Sevco board don\u2019t hand me all their shares for free. What do you mean it\u2019s done? Wow, you are definitely one of my favourite poodles. Here, have a dog biscuit (pats him on the head).<\/p>\n
15:00 (Ring, ring\u2026.ring ring). Hi, who\u2019s is this? Oh it\u2019s you Chris. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know I\u2019ve not answered any of your 75 calls today but I\u2019ve been busy trying to save our club (winks) from a second administration. Heavens forbid we ever get liquidated! Now I need you to galvanise the online idiots, erm support, along with that other fat basturt. Tell them I\u2019m the saviour, have more global appeal than Beyonce in stockings and suspenders and when I talk the world stops to listen. Now away and procreate with yourself.<\/p>\n
18:00 Time for Scotland Today. Great, I\u2019m the headline again. The things John Mackay will do for one of my blue ties. Ok Raman take it away. I\u2019m loaded. Check. The current board are despised by the fans. Check. My wealth has doubled since Raman has started speaking. Check. The fans prefer me to chocolate on a stick. Check. Good old Sevco TV. God bless them!<\/p>\n
20:00 Time for a late meal of Duck AL \u2018Orange for supper with two old poodles. Jabba and wee Chick. Young hacks nowadays are good but when I told these old boys to put chocolate on my baws they did so with smiles on their faces and some whipped cream to finish it off. Great to see you guys. Ok Chick will you stop riding my leg FFS! No Jim you can\u2019t eat the salt and pepper dishes. ENOUGH! Right, down to business. Chick, you are still on the radio. Jim, you have your apprentices in the press. Get to work. Tell them the board are all practicing Catholics. No scratch that. Tell them the board are all members of Opus Dei and report directly to Desmond. Let them know the SA authorities have apologised profusely to me and offered a full tax reimbursement plus the Orange Free State as compensation. Got that? Great.<\/p>\n
22:30 Time for Scotland Tonight. Aw fcuk it\u2019s rubber lips again. Don\u2019t say anything daft Chris, don\u2019t say anything daft Chris\u2026.oh no\u2026..he\u2019s just promised I\u2019ll give that dumpling Sally \u00a330m to spend. The fans will never buy that as they now think he\u2019s useless too! Oh look, Dick Wilson is also on he\u2019ll save the day. 140 years of illustrious history and real Rangers men in charge like Mr King. Traditions, Mr Struth and Peter Lovenkrands. Brilliant Dick, brilliant.<\/p>\n
23:30 Time for a late statement. (Ring, ring\u2026ring, ring) Hi Keith, yeah, yeah, calm down for a second. Tomorrow\u2019s paper front page. I will promise to deliver the Champions League inside five years. No, make that three. What do you mean we are banned from Europe? Ach, forget trivialities like that. Just tell them. Floating pitch. Bellagio hotel moved brick by brick from Vegas to Ibrox. Yes, including the fountain as the hordes will need somewhere to pish in. 100,000 capacity stadium. Orange away strips with 24 carat gold sash. And the biggest warchest since Dubya was in charge of the States. Mind, Champions League within three years! Got all that? Good poodle (click).<\/p>\n
Midnight: Another stupendous day manipulating the masses. They\u2019ll never learn! Time for bed. Goodnight Keith. Goodnight Dick. Goodnight Al. Goodnight Chick. Goodnight Jim. Goodnight Chris. Goodnight Mark.<\/p>\n
All: (lying on the floor around his bed) Goodnight Mr King!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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