Dear Helen
As a person who has worked all over the globe from the Cobbles of Corrie to Cairns, I was hoping you can help me.
I fear I have made a terrible mistake.
I was in a very successful position, in fact I was the Number 1 guy in my previous place in Nottingham but then an old sweet talking Boss contacted me and persuaded me to come North and rejoin him and his team. Ive just arrived in the new place and its been total manic. I was expecting to get time to bed-in but its been non stop and I havent had the chance to catch my breath let alone catch anything else.
Now everyone is on my back and the future is looking bleak.
Is there anything you can recommend to help me settle in and get everyone behind me?
– Dorus, Parkhead
Hi Dorus
Im sorry to hear you arent getting time to settle, but as Albert Tatlock used to say at the Weatherfield Pettitcoats and Whippets Fair “Nae hair like grey hair!” which was an analogy about the importance of experience or something according to my Aunt Emily Bishop.
You just need to shake off the abuse and get stuck in. Dont be shy. Its like the time I was in the Jungle and I was getting dogs abuse for refusing to do those horrible challenges and being told I wasn’t good enough to be there. Well eventually I had to man up and just take control and grab the bull by the horns, testicles, anus and whatever other parts they served to me out there. In the end, I got cracking publicity, a calendar deal and everyone loved me, I think, and I’m sure they will love you too if you can start grabbing at every opportunity too!
Love Ya – Helz
Dear Helen
Everything has went wrong and I dont know what to do.
I arrived in a new place of work recently and I will admit, my CV may have been slightly embellished by a few PR mates of mine. Everyone, including myself, thought I was going to be some sort of superstar but in reality, its been a disaster.
I have been in a few fights with younger colleagues and now Ive been suspended and told not to come back. I fear the company are trying to weasel out of paying me and now the PR guys seem to have turned against me and thats what really hurts the most.
I have 3 weeks to save my bacon, any advise is welcome.
– Joey, AWOL
Hi Joey
That is a real shame. It reminds me of Limahl when we went into the Jungle. He kept going on and on about his “Never ending story” and what do you know, he was out first! And trust me, I saw him washing himself in that shallow jungle pool and a certain something else certainly was not never ending, if you know what I mean, Darling.
The talent thing isn’t worth worrying about. You either have it or you don’t and if you don’t, don’t worry about it. Time catches up with us all. I remember when they brought younger models into Newton & Ridley to do the Pale Ale Shots Promotions. I protested of course but deep down they knew and I knew that I couldn’t roller skate to the level needed any more! After that I was soon gone, out a side door and never to be seen again.
The PR world is fickle as you are finding out and once your card is marked its a slippy slope to get back in favour with the headline makers and career shakers. All I can suggest is the Jungle is coming up just after Xmas…are you likely to be available during a January window perhaps?
Love Ya – Helz
Dear Helen
After a varied career path I recently I got promoted above my station. The change has really surprised me and I fear I am now being found out for the limited individual that I am. For a while people were willing to accept my nice smile and cute Southern charm but now as results are being questioned, I continously lose my temper and have had multiple fights and even ended up walking out of recent get-togethers. I fear that everyone is talking about me. I’mreally under pressure and I dont know how to handle it.
I fear the sack. please help asap!
-Mark, Ibrox
Hi Mark
Its always hard to accept when you have found your level. I remember saying the same thing to Tracy Barlow when she auditioned for a model job alongside me at the Weatherfield Gazette but only got offered a job at Bettabuys handing out chopped up hot-dogs with some cheap sauce on them to the passing punters. No shame in that of course but she was never gonna reach the same heady Promotional heights as myself.
We all find our level in the end.
Sometimes a reality check is a good thing. Not as good as a redundancy cheque mind you so best to make sure that contract is water tight and your money is safe if they try and get rid of you. Your wages are safe arent they?, Your company dont have any money worries do they? Im sure they dont. Best of luck, wherever you end up
Love Ya – Helz
Dear Helen
Im currently involved with Dave in a long distance love affair and in truth we have become rather estranged. He still gets me all excited whenever he flies in first class, all expenses paid, but the visits are becoming few and far between. I fear hes not a man who is good in a crisis.
Recently, an old flame, Brian, reappeared on my horizon, okay i may have instigated it!, and I would be lying if i didnt picture us back together, my hair blowing freely in the air as he raised me up in his helicopter of riches.
Oh whats a boy with this lovely hair to do?
-Paul M, Ibrox
Hi Paul
Talk about hair raising drama…this is more exciting than Deirdre Barlow kicking about in the back of a clapped out old Scimitar with Mike Baldwin behind boring Ken Barlows back. I dont know what I can tell you bar beware that Copter Hair. I remember my gorgeous mane was all over the shop after they dropped me into the Jungle from a great height. Do you know anything about falling from a great height Paul?
If you do you will know its not something you want to repeat so keep that in mind when you decide who should win your devotion!
Love Ya – Helz
Dear Helen
I may be one of your oldest readers ( hello Mike and Pensionerbhoy!) and I hope you can give me some advice on how to get into the minds of the youngsters out there.
I recently entered near retirement and decided I would start a campaign For Decency. You should have heard me pontificate on how I was sick of the lowering of social standards out there in MY CITY and loudly calling for everyone to stand up and be decent human beings. It was unreal, it really was, loads of people said so!
The only problem is that in the past I have been involved with quite a few dodgy types and people just wont take me seriously. I was mixed up in a world of lies and deceit and if I am truly honest, I may have been prone to gossip, negligence, hype, exaggeration, looking the other way and stretching the truth somewhat myself over a downward spiralling career that started out when Artur Jorge was still in short trousers.
Nowadays, I wear the blinkered spectacles of age as while I hope people see me as an Elder Statesman, it seems people seem to treat me as some figure of ridicule and they all imagine I’m just an old curmedgeon who forgets his contribution in lowering the standards in the first place.
Can I restore credibility, any suggestions?
Hugh K, Clydebank
Hi Hugh
Well it looks like you are suffering from a case of ‘What goes around, comes around!’, and I don’t mean like the after-affects of 2 day old Bettys Hot-Pot in The Rovers return.
Sadly its near impossible to get the public back onside after they see the true you and view you only as a figure of ridicule. Trust me, i know!
You have 2 choices:
1: Get your friends in the PR trade to help you…I dont suppose you have some old bosses who maybe run PR company at all
or
2: You can embrace it and be the blundering buffoon but still earning a decent wage, you know, like someone like Wagner on X factor..could you grow a daft moustache and speak in a strange manner at all?
Best of luck with the Campaign, looks like you will need it!
P.S – What’s an Artur Jorge?
Love Ya – Helz
Dear Helen
The last few months have been crazy. Ive came up to a new place and I just can stop scoring. Its been like 5 in a row now.
It seems everytime im out with the lads, Im in there! Back of the net and its High-5s all round!
Oh I dont need advice, I just love telling everyone!
Scotty, Parkhead
Hi Scott
Get home now or my lawyer will be in touch.
Love Ya – Helz
Hi Helz, Hope you can help me,their is a nurse at my Home who keeps on wearing very short skirts and long black stockings,Susanna is her name and she keeps pestering me for sex. I have tried ever so hard to refuse butt(MMMHHH)i have managed to keep it down to three times a day.
Someone once telt me that if you wear summit green that,that would be a deterrent and would help keep her sex drive down,could you please advise.All my luv.
Mike and Pensionerbhoy.
Yoo raise it up,so all the World can see it,
Yoo raise it up for all the World to see,tee hee.
Callum Paterson in a short skirt more like.
Ken.
Pathetic; full of innuendo and trashing a Celtic players wife. Then you get the response from Mike that you deserve.
I expect better from you Desi.
JTF
I can handle the criticism but poor Mike hasnae been the same since Andybhoy gave him that picture present for his birthday.
HA.HA Helen, Can yoo help I1m having a mid wife crisis,mibbee joining ISIS.
Do i stick or twist,do i stick with the auld yin,who kens me?
What i am thinking,who kens my every whiff and whim,
she puts up with my foibles,or even when i am stinkin,
As soon as the sun comes up,she removes her luvly green top,
and takes me for a drive.
For over 40 years,who washes away my tears,she calms my every fear.
My mid wife crises, will i join ISIS?
or do i take a test drive with a new yin?
a new range model,who makes me wanny Yodel,Yodel-oh-ee-dee,
Yodel-oh- ee-dee, she comes from Bonny Dundee,
So that is the dilema,she doesny wear Tena,
she takes me for a ride,she fills my heart with pride,
oh wait a mineet,could she be my bit on the side?
Naw i am stickin with the auld yin,the yin that likes to say yes,yes, yes.
Tell me what yoo want,what yoo really,really wanna zigazig.
The End,cos just woken up.Whares ma teeth.
Dearest Helzapoppin’,
My company recently proudly showed off their abs – whilst abseiling (or should that be asbestosing?) from the roofs, during a fun annual day out at a local crumbling, ancient monument.
Unfortunately, since then we’ve all been suffering from severe shortness of breath, painful coughing, and a build up of mucus in our lungs. We’ve also noticed that a blue tinge which previously only affected our noses, now also seems to have spread to our fingers & lips. Things have gotten so bad that – of an evening- instead of the barracks rocking to raucous, but harmless, ballads about blood and famine, it now reverberates with the machine-gun-like volleys of racking coughs. We’re even giving serious thoughts to leaving the force and looking for suitable employment on civvy street – perhaps cushy office jobs in local shipyards?
Health problems aside, there’s also another matter which is causing us concern: In return for our participation in the jolly loyal jingoist hun-fun fest, the club who hosted it – who shall remain nameless (as the name they used is dead), have promised to pay £25,000 towards deserving forces charities.
However, to date, not a single penny of that money has materialised – which may be partly due to the fact that they have no credit line at any bank. We’re therefore a wee bit worried that there could be a repeat of a previous episode where they went bust after defrauding the public purse of many millions (which helps pay for the very armed forces they say they loyally support) and owing money to everyone. None of which has ever been paid.
So, please advise us what to do, Helz babz…
Demand that they – ahem – cough up the money now or we go public?
Sue them for negligence for every penny they’ve got? (2 or 3)
Wait until they find a plausible excuse for terminating Barton’s £25k a week contract, or until after Xmas (whichever comes first) – then politely ask for the donation?
Remain staunch and let them away with it again?
Please HELP us Helen.
Yours loyally,
Corporal Billy F.T Punishment,
Orange Company
The Queens Own Very Loyal Right-Wing Racist Bastard Regiment
Somewhere very secret (near Bellahouston Park)
Dear Billy
The only uniform you will get me in is Jungle Khaki’s I’m afraid and even that’s going back a bit now. I am so sorry to hear about your promised cash not making it. Reminds me of the time old Norris told me a run round the Red Rec would do me good..I thought he meant a paper run!
One lesson I soon learned though from my modelling days was always get the money up front, Are your guys up front with you? And I don’t just mean do they sit up front and central wearing your hats or daft football shorts?
I would hate to see you being taken advantage of, I mean, nothing could be worse than someone using Armed Forces for publicity. Could it…hmmm?
Well the only thing possibly worse would be same people being the very same ones who’s tax scams contributed to the poorly funded equipment distributed to very same Armed Forces..and Hey, such a hypocritical thing could never happen..as if..the Press would have an absolute field day if that ever happened!
Love ya – Helz