Joey Barton goes to the Cinema

During his unexpected ( Expected surely? – Ed) time off, Joey Barton has kindly agreed to send us his latest thoughts on what he is watching these days  at the Parkhead Forge Cinema.

Cheers Joey!

SUICIDE SQUAD

Q: What do you do when you need to go battle an undefeatable foe?

A: You send for the Suicide Squad!

Its no surprise to this lucky Liverpudlian that this amazing true tale is being nominated for cleaning up at the Oscars next year.

What a story.

Will Smith in excellent make up plays Lee Wallace, the guy with the eye, who has to lead a right bunch of colourful and questionable rogues into battle aginst the formidable Celts in their fortress.

Jared Leto as Niko “What a Joker” Krancjar is amazing despite some make up disasters ( that hair really?) and Andy Halliday, renamed Harley Quinn here is hilarious as the petulant little madame.

The lumbering henchman ( doomed collateral damage!)  while not named are clearly based on Phillipe Senderos and what better casting can you ask for. As for the outcome..lets just say the clues in the name!

 JASON BOURNE

An incredible movie in which one troubled man continues his quest to find out who and what he really is and also come to terms with the pain he has caused throughout his troubled enigmatic life.

Is he a professional footballer who just lost his way in this crazy age?

Is he a mentally scared product of a messed up upbringing and bad influences?

Is he a genuine reborn intelligent man now simply misunderstood?

Is he  just a fucking bamstick?

Matt Damon does a brilliant job in this movie which the producers claim is total fiction but anyone else like me who has misquoted Jean Paul Satre whilst throwing rapid punches regardless of any justification knows there is truth within all art and there sure is truth here. One I may watch over and over again!

The Infiltrator

Imagine your Bryan Cranston and you have just finished shooting the pivotal Breaking Bad, you are basically just left there thinking “That’s it, game over!”. (A bit like I felt when Burnley didn’t even want to re-sign me. But anyhows back to Bryan..)

I mean how do you follow playing such a complex character such as Walter White \ Heisenberg. White was the classic Hero\Anti Hero.  A man tormented by demons both mentally and physically and even socialogically ( Is that a real word or is Joey making daft words up again – Ed).

Imagine that intensity playing  a man feeling pressure at every turn and under doubt and scrutiny from everyone. His only destination of course is finding nowhere to turn but forever downward in an ever destructive spiral. Well the news is that Cranston is back for more of what he does best!

This time he is playing a little unimportant guy who suddenly decides to turn his back on his values and pretends to everyone to be something he isn’t. The reason for all of this denial is just to get in with high flying folk who have loads of suspicious money and are involved in lots of questionable dealings. You don’t need me to tell you its a recipe for tears, blood and lots of bellyache before bedtime.

Sorry Bryan, I like you but that sounds a bit too far fetched for me Im afraid. For a change, I pass!

FINDING DORY

A delightful kids tale about life, loss of memory, and above all being true.

Pixars latest movie is an adaption from the classic Liverpudlian original “Finding Joey” , the tale of a little blue animal who keeps forgetting who or what they truly are leading to all sorts of crazy colourful adventures, some  quite scary but ultimately worth every child learning to avoid any repetition.

The plot basically revolves around Joey, I mean Dory, trying to find his way, I mean her way, back to the bosom of a loving family. Somehow he, I mean she, has ended up in a dark and distant cold place full of horrible scary creatures that she was warned to avoid but of course she failed to listen.

Dory see’s only two possible means of escape ( charmingly said as ‘Esc-ap-eh’ in tribute to the original Scouse here) – use a combination of Charm, Wit, Bonhomie and talent or just Fight Free.

When one tactic fails to impress you know Joey, I mean, Dory will just have to resort to the other and that’s when the colours really start to fly with oranges and blues all over the place in a cornucopia of contract chaos finale. Ends soon.

DAVID BRENT – Life on the Road

Rickey Gervais is back and so is David Brent!

I know The Office was really popular back in the day but I have to admit I never quite understood the attraction of David Brent.

I mean:

What sort of person wants to sit and watch someone who is delusional to the point of self destruction?

Who wants to watch a sad empty shell of a man with seemingly no true friends continue to embarrass himself in front of peers and be passed by ever more talented  kids. We don’t need to mention the kids laughing at him eh?

Who wants to look at a guy who is clearly out of shape and is never going to get back to whatever level he mistakenly believes he deserves to be at?

Who wants to watch a guy hang about with people who want nothing but what they can get from him for their own interests. I dunno about you guys, but that sounds pretty grim to me.

BROTHERHOOD

Michael Moore continues to produce wonderful documentaries and this time he turns his focus on Scottish Football Authority.

Watch in awe as Moore manages to get behind the scenes at the lodges and lairs of Stewart Regan, Neil Doncaster and the rest of the brothers up in Mount Florida headquarters.

The handshakes and business deals fly by so fast and money seems to circulate more that the Clockwork Orange subway from Cessnock as Broadcasters and Dead club representatives come calling at the lodge door.

Its not all grim though with a genuine  comic relief in the form of Hugh Dallas, Craig Thomson and Wullie Collum who play the classic “Joke” referees and leave your sides splitting as they sit and explain how they grant various decisions.

HELL OR HIGH WATER

A riveting Heist tale  in the classic Western mode.

Chris Pine plays Dave, a guy on a mission to save his old homestead, Ibrox, with his “brother”. Due to years of duplicity and being judged as a liar in a court of law, Dave cant go to the bank as no one will give him credit.

Time is running out and Dave is getting desperate and thats when he hits upon a plan for a heist to get some vital cash to stay afloat.

Davie finds out there’s a local Supporters savings club sitting full of cash and all Dave and his “brothers” have to do is rush right in there and grab it regardless of who the savers are.

Sadly of course, life isn’t so easy and the Law might get in the way.

Dave will have to come up with a devious plan and while he tries to get a man on the inside, Jeff Bridges shines as the spirit of justice named John James who continues stalking Daves trail and is ready to rain down justice upon Dave as soon as he gets the opportunity.

It all promises to end in dramatic fashion. No doubt all that will be left are corpses and a sense of “I told you so!”.

Also out this week

Something about some bloke named Scott Brown.

A boy named Brendan makes a great journey in Paradise!

A double agent goes behind the lines to bring down the Evil Hun!

Say no more!