Helen Flanagan : Etims Agony Aunt 06/09/16

Our resident Agony Aunt, Helen Flanagan, continues to deal out the expert advice to the desperate people in the Etims Postbag..

Dear Helen

Im hoping you can help me find my way again as the last few years I have really lost it and stupidly got myself mixed up with a really bad crowd. I know I made the wrong decision a while back and thought I could learn to accept it but now its getting to the stage where even my nearest and dearest are shaking their head in shame.

My latest error of judgement was on a trip away with the crew. I thought it was just going to be a basic get together but next thing i knew I was mixing with all sorts of nefarious creatures whose opinions, lets just say were are a little too ripe ( do Oranges ripen?) for my tastes.

I was hoping to get away with it but someone had brought along the photographers and sure enough there’s loads of picture of me out there and it even looks like I’m posing beside these buffoons. Is there any hope for me?

Michael O’Halloran, Belfast Airport

Hi Michael

I for one know just how easy it can be falling in with a bad crowd and photographers. I recall my time in the Jungle and we were getting split into Croc Creek or Snake Rock camps, I didnt know where to turn so I just went and took a long shower for the cameras instead!

Sounds like you ended up with the Snakes- lolz!

Don’t despair though, sometimes you just have to push on through, March on as they say. Do you have friends close by  to you that can help you march on, try it, I bet you will soon find yourself whistling a cheeky wee tune or two.

Hey, if you cant beat them, join em right!

Love Ya – Helz

Dear Helen
No one wants to speak to me. No one wants to be my friend. I dont know what Ive done wrong. I try my best, I really do but it just never seems good enough for some folk. People just seem to have a go at me and the abuse I get would make an Underworld Seamstress blush.

All I do is go to work in my nice suit, lord it over all I survey and take the occasional trip abroad with a big smile on my face. And all they do is complain. Worse still theres some new guy turned up and he seems to believe he’s calling the shots now and everyone seems to love him.

Can you give me any advice on how to boost my lowly profile?
Peter L, Glasgow

Hi Peter

That’s a shame. You know what they say “Haters gotta Hate” which is exactly what I used to sing to my little sister Sophie when she used to tell me that the caring hunk Jason Grimshaw was far too good for me. I eventually found the easiest way to deal with that was to run away to a fake reality show so maybe you should take a break.

Hows about a wee trip out to somewhere nice like the Bahamas, I hear that Sandy Lane resort is lovely and the word on the celeb hotline is that the best time for some cheeky paparazzi snaps is between 3-7pm if you’re that way inclined. Do you know anyone who could get you out there perhaps?

I’m sorry you feel a little threatened. I sure know how that feels. When yon Ashley Roberts tried that whole “White sheer Bikini” scam in the jungle, well I wasn’t putting up with that. Out came the teeny weeny Scarlet number and I was soon back on the front of the Daily Star no problemo.

You have to take action immediately. The suits do make it sound like you’re a little power mad and stuck in the 90s mind. You need to relax, you sound like you’re wound up tighter than Tracy Barlows frow-lines. Have you considered a change of wardrobe, perhaps something in leopard-skin, or why not go all out and get yourself a little Scarlet number just like mine, see the “Helen” range, available at all B&M stores from Monday.

Love Ya – Helz

Dear Helen
It seems my past is constantly coming back to haunt me. When I was younger I said certain things that seemed okay at the time. It was nothing bad really and some folk seemed to believe I spoke a bit of sense now and again, especially regards heavy subjects such as Ireland, The Pope and The Royal Family.

That was back then but nowadays I’ve taken on a new job and its all getting rather embarrassing as folk keep bringing up things from my past and it frankly makes me look like a two faced money grabbing low-life with no morals and totally devoid of any self integrity whatsover. What should I do?
Joey, Ibrox

Hi Joey

The past is past, dont worry about it. Some of us would struggle to get out of bed in the morning if we worried about the past. I used to be a Goth back in my Weatherfield days for god sake. Damn yon curly haired lothario Craig Harris and those brilliant  “Stench of Death” rock albums.

I mean, Me…A Goth…with this fringe!…I know..talk about facepalm or what!

Joey, you are not alone, if I may, let me share this with you –  a lovely phrase by Shannon L. Alder “insecure people often falsify the past, in order to make the future pure“.

See you’re not alone… I too can seem all worldy and wise at times by looking up Google.

Joey, I hope you read that lovely phrase and smiled. I would hate to think you were one of those insecure people who are in denial about their past and present and tries to be something they arent. You arent are you Joey? Silly me, of course you arent. I’m sure deep down, you know exactly what you are and I’m sure everyone else does too.

Embrace it and face it.

What’s the worst that can happen? You end up with your career hitting rock bottom  and all you have is a cartoon personality. You know what’s next then dont you?

The Jungle…Kerching!

Love Ya – Helz

Dear Helen
My friends and I started a publicity, I mean public relations company a while back and we thought it was all going so well. Now we all just feel rather blue as none of our attempts are working at all. We send out news briefs, we tap up journalists with treats, we do everything we can to get our message out there but all we get is ridicule and laughed at. As an expert in such fields, can you give us some advice please?
James and Chums, Level5

Hi James
Sadly Marketing and media manipulation isnt as easy as it used to be in the old days. I remember Rita Fairclough telling me how back in the day, all she had to do was a wee drop of the shoulder when singing down the Wheeltappers and she was guaranteed a cover story in the Weatherfield Gazette. Look at it now, I had to go half way round the world facing horrible daily trials and taking cold showers wearing half a hankie just to get a mention in any old Gossip rag.

All I can suggest is you keep plugging away promoting those truthful stories of yours. It is the truth you’re peddling, I mean publishing, isnt it James, isnt it?

Love Ya – Helz

Dear Helen
I have taken a job at a new company and Im already at my wits end. I was enjoying a simple Construction workers life but then one day while I was in this clinic putting up some 4×2 partitioning when they mistook me for a footballer. After a medical that lasted 8 days, they eventually offered me a contract for an extremely limited time. I dont get holiday pay and I’m told not to expect any bonus bar a works outing to Lynns field or somewhere. The people all look so aggressive around me and I darent show any weakness, even though my legs are crumbling.

How can I possible get through this?
Philip Senderos, Ross Hall Car Park

Hi Philip

I am sorry to hear about your worries. Dont fret though. When we were in the Jungle and I was terrible at the Trials, I had loads of folk making aggressive faces at me when I was feeding them rice and beans every night. I swear it was like a night under Les Battersbys duvet the amount of farting around that camp when I was doing the dinners. But hey, we all survived to tell the tale and get some decent money selling our stories to the papers. I can put you in touch with some Agents if you want and also can tell you one PR company to avoid for sure!( sorry James)

Love Ya – Helz

Dear Helen
I have a chance to take the trip of a lifetime with my work but in truth I’m not really up to the task ahead. I would hate to let my colleagues down but everyone knows how much I love these trips as all I ever do is go on and on about the last time I was there. I feel so torn, physically and psychologically.

Do you have any advice to a fragile wee soul who may not be able to step up as needed in Paradise?
Lionel, Barcelona

Hi Lionel

Not really sure I’m seeing any issue here. You have the chance of going on a trip to Paradise and your worrying about letting OTHER folk down? Deary me.

When they gave me that big cheque and daily photo opportunity in Australia, do you think I was worried about what Colin Baker was going to have for his dinner if I wasn’t up to the Trials..not a a chance!  I was all signed up and buckled in before you could say witchety-grub.

Get yourself on that plane to Paradise and have a great time. Pick me up some spearmint chewing gum and macaroon bar if you can my wee sweetie!

Love Ya – Helz

Dear Helen
I have a worrying engagement coming up and I’m ever so nervous. Can you recommend anything to help steady my nerves as this is going to re-occur a few times Im told in the next year of so?
Brendan, Glasgow

Hi Brendan
A worrying engagement eh? Well I remember when I was younger and I found my strumpet mum Sally and her old boss Ian Davenport in a rather worrying engagement, if you get my drift, and let me tell you, it still gives me the shivers.

Dont worry though, Like the time I found myself kidnapped, three times by the same guy, what a scamp John Stape RIP, just tell yourself to keep on going and soon enough it will all be over. Im sure what ever it is, you will coast it, probably by about 3 goals ( Is that right Scott?).

Love Ya – Helz