Firstly, I would like to thank the lads at ETims for letting me put this in electronic print. Whilst the guys have succulent brains it is also fair to say that they are broad minded individuals and when I, the Zombie King, contacted them to express a wish to put a few things right following the recent press furore surrounding the comparing of Sevco (I believe that is the appropriate term) with my faithful flock they literally jumped at the chance.
The lazy stereotyping of zombies has led to this rather crass comparison. If I use Zombiepedia, a satirical site set up by Romero acolytes, it is easy to see why people think Sevco fans are zombies. However, rest assured, I could not and would not have such a foul bunch in my Zombie Nation.
This list below, with supporting commentary will help clear this up, hopefully:
- Mobile but technically dead, without a heartbeat or other vital signs: This is absolutely true of Sevco, or Rangers as was, however, as Zombie King I can decide who truly dies and who exists as a perpetual Zombie (a la Shane McGowan for example).
- In a decaying state, with discolored skin and eyes: See picture above for more info.
- Non-communicative, groaning and howling instead of speaking: This is absolutely spot on for true zombies and is also the case for Traynor, Johnstone and Dingwall.
- Unemotional, with no mercy toward victims: I believe the rather, ‘fuck ye all then’ response from the Rangers (as was) fans to being caught cheating really clarifies this point for you. We real zombies do feel mercy but we like brains too much to care.
- Clumsy and violent: See picture above for more info.
- Vulnerable to destruction of the brain, which kills them: Proof positive that Sevco is not truly zombified. There are no brains at Ibrox.
- Contagious, a germ from a bite causes zombies: Actually, being in the same room as the Sevco variant can cause an outbreak. Remember to wipe the toilet seat in work. If there are bitemarks on it don’t sit, hover.
- Does not attack other zombies, leading to swarms of zombies: Not 100% accurate but I believe Pamplona, Barcelona and Manchester in recent years prove this point to be almost true.
In all, it is easy to see why Celtic fans are willing to embrace the term zombie for the Sevco troopers. But can I ask that you stop. It hurts us real zombies, guys who have worked hard, clawed flesh, ate brains and watched Eastenders for years on end to get to a true state of our creole. Being a zombie is hard work and we don’t want them cheating their way to this title like the others over the years.
As Zombie King I am happy to accept applications for entry into the zombie brotherhood, but c’mon, we have standards.
Yours in brains,