Celtic Diary Tuesday November 18: And The Winner Is….

Scotland face England tonight at Celtic Park, where for the price of a small house you can enjoy the resumption of the worlds oldest fixture, or whatever other line the media come up with to describe this friendly match in order to justify the cost.

The Daily Record, always on the side of the working man, despite doing everything it possibly could to eradicate the species with its agenda pre-referendum, held a competition…

GORDON Robertson, 89, was likely to miss tonight’s big game in Glasgow as he had no ticket – but that all changed when he entered our Facebook competition and won a pair of briefs.

I can only imagine his disappointment when he was handed a couple of tickets for tonights game, and not some undies to keep him warm this winter.

Ach, only kidding. But I’m going to apply for the proof readers job at the Record.

Gordon said: “I was thrilled when I heard we had won the tickets from the Daily Record.

“It’s always been the best game and the whole country gets into it.

“I remember being in crowds of more than 100,000 to see Scotland play and it’s always been amazing.

“I didn’t get any tickets for this match so I was just delighted when my friend Daniel phoned to tell me the Record had helped out.” 

 At least they have went to a real supporter, and not some corporation.

 For thise not willing to shell out for the game, it’ll be on ITV, which means the standard of commentator /summariser will be even lower than usual, and as ever with these games, I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

 My wife, you see, is English, and since her excursions north of the border, and the ones I partake in on my own, seem to have one theme running through them-beer-she has a different view of Scots, than say, well, actually, no-one.

 I’ll sit down, maybe with a cup of tea, and perhaps some fruit pastilles, and claim that its only a friendly, and I’m just watching it because its on.

 Fifteen minutes in , and I can guarantee this, the beers are opened, the cigarettes in the corner of the mouth-” get me anurra fag, son, this wans nearly oot ” and the air has turned the colour of the Scotland top which has somehow found itself over the shirt and tie I’ve had on at work.

 At half time I’ll nip out to the co-op for a re-stocking of the cargo, and probably be arrested for singing about Jimmy Hill being a poof, and how it is a hell of a way to die an English bastard.

 At some point during the game I’ll be asked why, if I love the place so much . I don’t “fuck off back there you pathetic bastard “

 She doesn’t get it.

So by now,  she will have either gone out, gone to bed or called the police.

 And I’ll still be swearing at the screen.

 Not because I don’t like the English.

 Not because I’m particularly a fervent Scotland fan.

Not because I’m a knob-well, not entirely, anyway.

 Its because the commentators and summarisers wind me up. I mean really wind me up.

 Normally, they just display their lack of knowledge, and in some cases, a lack of coherency.

 When England play Scotland, their patronising attitude has the same efect on me as someone taking a circular saw to my back and running it right down to the base.

 I’m already getting annoyed by those who are predicting the wonderful atmosphere, because I can’t help but feel they are saying thats all we have. a lot of singing and shouting.

 When Clive Tyldesley asks Andy Townsend-Dumb and even Dumber-what celtic could do in the EPL with a support like this, and he will, probably even before kick off, and he gets a reply that they would do well, and might even finish on the top half, I’ll be on the phone to Don Corleone asking him for a favour.

 Scott Brown and Charlie Mulgrew are likely to feature for Scotland, and Gordon Strachan has admitted that he is re-thinking his original plans to field fringe players, and the tension and excitement of the game might just get to them, and others, and my biggest worry is that they pick up a knock and miss next weeks Europa cklash with Red Bull.

 Craig Gordon could also feature, ending a four year international absence, and by sheer coincidence, his opposite number in the England net might be Fraser Forster, who held the Celtic number one jersey until Gordon was ready to come back from his long term injury.

 Look, I can re-write history as well.

Ronny Diela will have his fingers crossed, while Broony and Chuck have theirs firmly wrapped around their breakfast bun, enjoying it while they can;

 The Celtic Park atmosphere has actually got the English rattled. Ask Wayne Rooney, their spud faced captain.

“I’ve played up here a few times and you know at the start of the game that their fans will be really up for it,” he said. 

“It will be quite intimidating if you’re not used to it, so we need to make sure they’re ready for it, to get them settled. You have to be ready for the start of the game. I’m sure we will be. 

“I have spoken to the younger players because it can take you by surprise. It will be a big test.

“Everyone knows this stadium and the fans here have a great reputation of making it an intimidating place to come.”  

 Remember Ian Wright ?

 He’s a media pundit now.

The former striker, speaking ahead of tonights game, which hopefully means he won’t be talking during it,  admits he does  one regret in his career, and it relates to his time at Celtic.

 Which is a remarkable co-incidence, because where Ian Wright is concerned, I have one regret about his career, and it relates to his time at Celtic as well.

His regret ?

  “I played eight games for Celtic at the end of my career and that was a fantastic experience.

“I would even have got a goal in an Old Firm game, too, if Eyal Berkovic had squared it when he had the chance.”  

My regret ?

 The very reason the airbrush was invented.

 I might just watch the game with the sound off, and maybe Radio Scotland for the commentary.

 Oh wait…..

 Moving away from tonights game, Craig Whyte remains on the run. Thats if there actually is a warrant out for him.

We’ve only the medias word for it. I’ve been looking for days to find something official, and cannot.

 But that doesn’t stop the papers. They’ve already moved to the next stage….

 The Absolution Of David Murray 

 The Scottish establishment is now expecting us to believe that poor old Dave was actually duped by a guy who wandered into his office one day and said,;

 “Right pal, I’ve had a look around and I’ll gie ye a quid furrit. “

 Dave himself was unavailable for comment, as per bloody usual, but he might as well come out and give us his tuppenceworth. After all, its not like anyone will ask him any difficult questions.

 Liquidators of Rangers Football club BDO have announced that they have secured an out of court settlement on £24m owed to the old club by legal firm Collyer Bristow, who helped Whyte get the deal done for a pound.

 They also helped him to borrow the ticketus money to pay off the bank , and will probably use the bulk of it to pay ticketus back. Or the taxman, whio is still harping on about his bit.

 Or some of the other creditors.

 Mind you, it was an out of court settlement, so its highly unlikely to be £24m. and don’t forget the fees for BDO.

 And wasn’t all this agreed some time ago ?

 You’d think they were all trying to deflect from something….

 Somethings not right.

If there was a warrant out for Whyte, they’d have got him by now. In fact, he’d have probably turned himself, and his wee tape recorder in by now.

 Anyway, wonder if Lewis MacLoed will play for Scotland tonight ? I wonder if he’ll grab a couple of goals and earn a move south for big bucks ?

 I wonder if thats been the plan all along…and its why Strachan let him go back to Ibrox for the plucky draw with Alloa ….

 Wheres my tin hat ?

Martin O’Neill and Tommy Burns faced each other for their national sides in yesterdays picture, and both, of course, went on to manage Celtic.

Whats happening here, and when did it happen ?

 Right, I’m away now. I can hear the dog barking, which means he’s nearly done, and its time to put the potatoes on.

 PS How many Rangers ans does it take to change a light bulb ?

None. They’d rather just sit in the dark and blame Craig Whyte .

Here all week, try the veal, etc.