By Steven Craigan
As soon as I was aware Gordon Strachan was in the ESPN studio I knew Dundee were in trouble. His tactical analysis, fairness and all round knowledge of the game realty gets on my nerves as he continues to show me up as a clown. This time however I was ready.
With the Celtic support inexcusably dancing around as if it was Christmas – something I shall be reporting to Vincent Lunney and Michel Platini – it made for an uneasy atmosphere for this impartial British subject.
The game kicked off and with a strong gale behind Celtic it was no surprise to see Dundee pegged back as they fought gallantly against the elements and Celtic’s hoof ball tactics. Dundee were brave as they retained possession and at one point had 99.5% possession, just less than Barcelona had against Celtic in the most one sided Champions League games I’ve never seen.
From their first corner of the game the away side struck the opening goal. A Mulgrew corner, which looked as if it was well outside the corner markings, was directed to the back post. Watt, who appeared to push his marker in the back, headed the ball towards goal. It was magnificently cleared by a brave Dundee rearguard but only as far as Samaras. The Greek forward raised his feet shoulder height and referee Brines incredibly refused to rule the goal out for an obvious dangerous play infringement. Let’s be clear, Samaras’ high feet could have killed someone.
The major talking point of the match was how on earth Kelvin Wilson wasn’t red carded for a shocking assault on three Dundee players. With the Dens men on the break Wilson pulled a metal cosh from his socks before violently setting about half the Dundee team. Incredibly referee Brines waved play on with blood strewn bodies lying all over the Dens Park surface. From my vantage point 50 yards from play and looking through a rain soaked camera angle and phlegm on my video monitor it was a clear red card and 10 year jail sentence. Why my fellow commentator Derek Rae wasn’t as irate as me I’ll never know.
The second half was all Dundee and showed Celtic up for the average team they are. A Nish header was fortunately saved by Forster but from where I was watching the ball clearly looked over the line. Time for video replays to be used in the SPL and games involving Rangers.
With Dundee camped around Celtic’s penalty area and looking certain to equalise it was a major surprise when Celtic went two goals ahead. A punt up the field put Hooper through. He looked yards offside before miskicking the ball over Robert Douglas’ head. Another incident that video replays would have quickly sorted.
Dundee were heartbroken at this time as was I as tears strolled down my face. This was basically daylight robbery in the evening.
The final whistle was blown and Celtic fortunately increased their lead at the top of the SPL. Justice wasn’t done on the pitch but I will ensure it is off the field when I issue a strongly worded letter to the SPL’s compliance officer Vincent Lunney – and – Anne Robinson at Points of View.
Steven Craigan
Lol
Almost had me fooled!
My bowler hat doffed to this gallant pioneer of Journalism.
If Only it was you Craigan!
Absolutely brilliant!!
ROFL
Could hardly finish reading through my tears of laughter!
Just wish you could send a copy to Craigan.
Nothing I can disagree with there.
And of course who could forget this brilliant piece of commentating from the idiot in question, when pontificating on Dundees’ tactics, spouted:
“they have to force Celtic into unforced errors”.
Got to love the funny stuff. What a moron.
AAnd they said they could never replace traynor.
Steven, if you keep up this standard you will be head hunted by the MSM. Keep up the good work.
Hail Hail
H.B.
You’ve just been TUPE’d. This is an unacceptable slight on the integrity and fairness of Messrs. Craigen and Lunny. A court must now decide whether to bind you over (or up) to the Lodge to be duly sentenced for acting the goat. Your literary genius simply can not be tolerated in the esteemed corridors of corruption. You do not seem to be aware of the time and effort that has been sacrificed on one leg over decades in order to establish a set of “rules for bending” so that this kind of journalism is kept at bay and the way made clear for the illiterate MSM that only favours us and our invisible friend Charles. It is likely that you will be banished to watching Motherwell and Kilmarnock games until you have learned to have respect for those that cheat you. May Brothers Doncaster, Ogilvie and Regan with all the choirs of Ibrox have mercy on your soul.
I’m getting as daft as you but at least I am way past my bedtime. Aye, way past! Great piece and off to bed with a big grin.
H H
you guys know this whole article is sarcsastic right? almost had me fooled, until i read the samaras high boot bit haha
Thought i was on wrong site and some devil had changed my settings and was playing a joke. Can see you getting a call from a certain newspaper who have just lost there star reporter.
Could Craigan have been any more biased in his commentary? I cancelled ESPN because of the poor quality of their commentary – SKY isn’t great – but at least Provan gives a balanced view. Did Craigan and Burley get their jobs based on a hatred of Celtic?
Impartial media at its very best!
wit can i say
glad others noticed the guy is a biased cunt, really done my head in last night!!
tinsoldier? 🙂
During the as breaks ESPN were trumpeting their forthcoming games. They are actually showing live games from the Scottish FOURTH tier! I’m sure fans of teams like Blacburn, Leeds, Cardiff, Notts Forest Birmingham and other English clubs love to watch those games….
Glad I watched it on x2 speed now.
This has to be a piss take, there is no way in hell someone could actually write this! Is he deluded? This man should be out in prison and have the key thrown down the drain !