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Celtic Diary Sunday September 8: Lawwell Calls Emergency Board Meeting

Celtic CEO Peter Lawwell last night summoned the board of directors, the management and a number of senior players to attend a crisis meeting tomorrow morning at nine o’clock.

“And I don’t care what the fuck else you had planned , ” he noted in the memo “If you’re not here you will be looking for another job ”

When he’s in that sort of mood, trees shiver, clouds scatter and and nuclear scientists move the hands on the doomsday clock closer to midnight.

In fact, insiders say he hasn’t been in this sort of mood since one of the guys laying his heated driveway accidentally stood on his lawn. ( I couldn’t spell begonias. )

This current crisis has gone beyond the cracked crest, we’re talking shattered and thrown to the wind here…

 

It seems that the club , as a whole, there’s no one individual to blame, has taken their collective eye of the ball, and suddenly the new old rivals across the river have stolen the march on us…

Apparently, the boss was browsing the interweb whilst waiting for his bus home the other night after a busy day in his office, and he came across some game changing news.

First, on Football Scotland was this report…

Rangers top league table of most popular shirts

The Ibrox club are currently ahead of the pack when it comes to interest in their strips

They might have slipped to second place in the actual Premiership, but Rangers are top of the table in another regard.

Steven Gerrard’s men dropped three points against fierce rivals Celtic at Ibrox on Sunday, though it’s early days in the season still.

There’s no such concerns when it comes to interest in their shirts though, as a study has shown that they are in the lead over the Hoops. 

Now we know that “interest ” in their strips is purely from legal people seeing if they are selling any that they shouldn’t be, but thats not made clear in this report..

 

With his bus running late and several working class people beginning to fill the bus shelter, Lawwell held his phone closer to his face, pulled up his hoodie, and continued to browse..

It didn’t improve his mood, which was darkening quicker than the Parkhead night sky…

NUMBERS GAME 

Rangers make top 25 European club YouTube channels in August but Celtic miss out

Afraid that Celtic were no longer mentioned in the same breath as Europes big clubs, Lawwell began to shake as those fears were confirmed…

Meanwhile, Celtic didn’t make the list despite winning the bragging rights in the first Old Firm of the season.

The Hoops channel had 1.41m views in August which kept them well outside of the top 25 European clubs. 

Fighting an urge to issue a statement to the stock market, Lawwell continued to browse…

Steven Gerrard delights fans as Rangers boss sings Snow Patrol hit on holiday

The 39-year-old was loving life on holiday as he belted out Chasing Cars. 

Lawwell closed the page, and rang a taxi. his heart was pounding and he began to feel sick.

Where had it all gone wrong ?

Was the global brand he had painstakongly built, despite criticism from within and without, about to turn to dust ?

Were those long sleepless nights agonising over results on and off the pitch worth it after all ?

The taxi arrived, and he ordered the driver to take him home.

Ignoring the attempts at small talk he settled back in his seat and closed his eyes…but those words, crafted lovingly  by the journalist Mark McDougall, wouldn’t go away…

Rangers manager Steven Gerrard is enjoying life at Ibrox even if things didn’t go his way against Celtic last Sunday.

The 2-0 defeat would have put a dampener on his time off but Gerrard was able to forget about it and relax during a trip to play golf.

And he should he wasn’t just a hit on the golf course while he was away as he got up on stage and showed off his singing voice.

The Ibrox gaffer belted out Snow Patrol hit Chasing Cars alongside the local singer as he enjoyed a pint.

The video was then shared on social media and Rangers fans loved it as they shared it far and wide. 

Of course, we know that during a break in the on field action, the media will do anything to appease the hordes, even to the extent of stockpiling a Celtic Bad News story just in case there isn’t a feelgood farce to feed the bears…

There was one ready to go, but with Ryan Kent heading back to Glasgow when it became certain no one else would pay what Liverpool always knew a desperate Dave king would, it wasn;t needed, but the Sun pressed the “fuck it ” button, and published anyway..

ED BHOY 

Celtic striker Odsonne Edouard ‘agreed deal’ to sign with Monaco

As usual, the piece was devoid of quotes, and the hack knows full well it’ll all be forgotten about soon anyway.. so he crafted some words with a smile on his face and a song in his heart-probably even Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol, and sat back to think of the reaction from Celtic fans, whilst ignoring the fact that they don’t read his rag anyway..

CELTIC star Odsonne Edouard was a summer transfer target for French side Monaco, according to reports in France.

L’Equipe claims the Hoops ace AGREED a deal with the Ligue 1 giants. 

Yet further down, he says;

But their efforts to sign Edouard failed, with the Hoops idol reportedly rejecting their advances following the first breakdown in talks. 

Which implies . as the rules state, that Celtic had given Monaco permission to talk to the player, having had a bid accepted…which you would have thought would have been headline news back in the summer…

 

There isn’t a crisis meeting at Celtic tomorrow, just to clarify. Although maybe I should let the papers think there is, as no doubt one of the dopey fuckers would pick up on it and tweet something…

When asked about “rangers ” , a spokesman for Celtic, well, he could speak and he had a Celtic scarf on, said;

“Who gives a fuck what that lot are doing ? ”

Me ?

I’m not overreacting, not like that bloke who went doo lally when I flicked a peanut at him in the pub.

Which reminds me, whats an anaphylactic shock ? The paramedics kept going on about it.

 

On Friday, we had this..

Image result for boris johnson

Mickey Spillane September 6, 2019 at 10:33 am · Edit · Reply →

Caption:”Don’t worry,I can now reveal my plan , I have phoned Gazza who will shortly arrived with a curry and a bag of cans” 

Today..

Image

 

 

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Corrib04
4 years ago

Caption,
Mobile TV technology takes a leap forward in Govan.

John McDermott
4 years ago

Dom jolly has let himself go!

Honest hoops
4 years ago

Caprion; what a great idea to bring your telly along as we both purchase a dodgy firesticks in which to watch yourtube…

wisnae me
4 years ago

Caption: Steven Fletcher goes to the park to get panelled.

Mike
4 years ago

“Buuurrpp” Sorry, too much jelly and ice-cream, plays havoc with your stomach but it does so much good for your heart. I read an article the other day about Lord Haw Haw Haughey. The bhoy from the Gorbals who has done well for himself and employ’s 15,000. workers. His office apparently overlooks his carpark where his home was when he was born. How he and Farmer had each donated £1.5 mill. pounds to purchase and refurbish Hampden park. How is that relevant? well because it proves once again how utterly useless the SFA-SPFL are when it comes to raising money through sponsorship for Scottish football. I was a wee bit scunnered because David Potter on the Celtic star wrote an article that said everything that I had mostly written down about the secret 5way agreement the rules Scottish football, (say that again, rules Scottish football) the same club continuance myth, the LNS bent commission, RES. 12, coming soon to a board room near you. I had looked at the 35,000 crowd at Friday’s must win International game, thinking back to my first ever professional football game Eintracht Frankfurt via Real Madrid 3-7 to Madrid, with a crowd of over 130,000 people. How low has Scottish football sunk, well the above issues and the knowledge by supporters that there is so much wrong with football governance. When the lead from the top is dishonest, is not open and transparent, people/supporters can see that and are turned off by it. We need to fix that if they don’t then what’s the point. Lord Haughey is a firm believer in Peter Lawwell, titles aside mean nothing when your heart is brought up with a love of football and Glasgow Celtic, but love can also be blind to the obvious. How can we help them to open their eyes to the truth…

alzyerpal
4 years ago

Caption ; “Ur ye shoor this smert TV hiz goat the rangers u choob channel oan it?”

Rob O'Keeffe
4 years ago

Caption: Guy says ‘ I got this telly for Ryan Kent’.Other guy says ‘You’ve been done’….

The Bahia Emerald
4 years ago

CAPTION: “It’s the latest, iPhone 12, large screen, but still portable. Battery life?… eh aboot forty five seconds”

Arsene Parcelie
4 years ago

Caption: Largest smartphone carried around to distract attention from taking the first invisible dog (or horse, hard to tell) for a walk in the park.

Rob O'Keeffe
4 years ago

Strange how certain people can’t have a nice peaceful march through Glasgow without hundreds of coked up/bevvied “counter protesters ” turning everything into mayhem.However,when it’s that scum doing the marching,nobody really bothers and just sees them for what they are…..

STELLBHOY
4 years ago

I have one sentence in reply to this obscurely funny story
WHO GIVES A FLYING FK WHAT THE ZOMBIES ARE DOING

Gordon67
4 years ago

caption,

“of course ah fuckin’ nicked it !!!!”

Patrick O Hara
4 years ago

Caption.
TV or not TV, that is the question.
Whether t’is nobler in the mind to have a very large iPhone or an android?

Tenaka Khan
4 years ago
Reply to  Patrick O Hara

The story isn’t about what the Huns are doing, it’s about what the Scottish press are doing.

charlie
4 years ago

the zombie u tube chanell is fulla tims laughing

TAMBHOY19
4 years ago

Caption: celtic fans asks sevco fan here pal wit u dain way that telly

Sevco fan everybody told us sevco will win 1st derby this season but when a wiz leaving the hoose it wiz 0-2 tae celtic so I’m no wanting tae miss us scoring 3/4 goals that’s why I’ve got my telly yous Tim’s are so stupid

charlie
4 years ago

caption dopey sais tae dopey jeest as well they tabs a acid made us invisible

TonyDtic
4 years ago

Close brothers start small with the wee tellys but they’ll be back soon for the big ones.

4 years ago

The manly mob could land on Mars or further afield once they pay their debts they can join the club again 10s of millions they owe and they print we have more U.TUBE users….Who gives a fuck who cares about their club, l would be happy to buy the shitehoose and demolish it..We are CELTIC no one or nothing will bring us down..BHOYS&GHIRLS fuck the huns let them die again..

4 years ago

CAPTION.
It’s the biggest season ticket in the world, timmy and dont you forget it.

Puggy67
4 years ago

Caption: Billy that’s actually no how Sky on the go works.

Jinkylarrson
4 years ago

Caption…hey bigot boy ah just stole this big screen to put up at the I.o.u. dome to watch us in Europe. It has a 45mins warranty.

Magdalena’s Chestnut Gelding
4 years ago

Caption

Alan Hutton takes his TV for a walk

4 years ago

CAPTION

Have YOU tried getting a TV reception in West Kilbride?

richard thai celt
4 years ago

In all honesty, even as a Celt, I have to say some of the Rangers stuff on Youtube is far BETTER and more ENTERTAINING than the Celtic stuff. Bear with me on this……..There’s nothing quite as enjoyable as watching CJNOVO992 having a rant !

AntonDeclan
4 years ago

Great style, quality and humour to Diary writing today Ralph…..had me chuckling away contentedly (just as well I left reading it until after Mass!). Awrabest!

jrw
4 years ago

As for huns, this sums it all up https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Vqbk9cDX0l0

Albert Kidd
4 years ago

Awe righty, dae ye ken embdy wae a big charger? Ma Ranjurs TV’s deid!!

realchrismurphy
4 years ago

I dunno mate, Mr King says selic are getting a big advertising screen ootside parkheid I was to get him wan for us to use anaw

Broxburnbhoy
4 years ago

Caption: naw ya daft bassa! It’s no the TV it’s the feed yi gi fi Ibrox that makes it ranjurs TV.

sfa unfit for purpose
4 years ago

Aye she cleaned me out. Took the house , the weans , the dog and the motor , but she ‘s no getting the plasma.

Broxburnbhoy
4 years ago

Good points Ralph – the pro Ibrox press is doing it’s part by seeding tons of dubious stories fed to them by the fat controller in all probability. It’s shows desperation to be viable to be important – which of course ironically tells us how little they are

Steve Naive
4 years ago

Petrie says stopping sectarianism is his top priority and far from being embarrassed, welcomes Uefa intervention. You couldn’t make that up. Only in the corrupt game here would you get away with that. Had the misfortune to be seated next to two Belfast knuckle draggers in town yesterday “ FTP” tattoos and all the rest. They’re importing them to cause riots at any march in support of an Ireland after Brexit. Only in Glasgow.

Frodshambhoy
4 years ago

Caption
Have you seen the Gran Muralla
I’ve found his phone

Monti
4 years ago

Caption: Fintry CSI ” How much for the Plasma, Mike”?

Tyrone9
4 years ago

CAPTION
I’m telling you, everytime the sellik beat us big Sammy launches his telly oot the windae….

Tyrone9
4 years ago

Clean sheet at poundland last week….well done our defenders and defensive coach….JK.

Tyrone9
4 years ago

Good defensive performance in Stockholm….well done defenders and defensive coach…..JK

Hoophooray
4 years ago

iPhone XR XL

Tyrone9
4 years ago

Goal scorers win you games.
A good defence wins you trophys…

Treble Treble..??…well done JK.
To whom it may concern
I hope I ve made my point..
HAIL HAIL

The Cha
4 years ago
Reply to  Tyrone9

The manager picks the team not the coaches.

All on him. Own it. Learn from it, which hopefully he has.

The Cha
4 years ago
Reply to  The Cha

Give it up, you’re making yourself look a fool.

The manager picks the team; no sensible person would think any different.

R.St.Parsley
4 years ago

Caption:
Thick Sevco fan to passer-by
‘Any electricity oan ye pal?’

Whitearra
4 years ago

Caption : ‘OK. Fir f##k sake OK. We’ll split it doon the middle’.

The Cha
4 years ago

Caption “With this leading edge technology, hopefully I’ll be able to see the rangers coming”

The Cha
4 years ago
Reply to  The Cha

HaHa, is that why they’ve had more Internet hits than us?

4 years ago

https://www.facebook.com/853057568063246/posts/2413134198722234?sfns=mo

Don’t know if this link works but it’s hilarious if you can pick it up

Monti
4 years ago
Reply to  Iancelt67

Caption: Billy-” Hi William, what’s happening brother “?
William – ” Can’t get a signal on this thing, Billy, i think it’s those trees “

4 years ago

Caption
“ im havin tae pawn the telly to pay fur the Ryan Kent deal “

4 years ago

Caption: Mr King asked me to pawn this before the bailiffs get here

Mike
4 years ago

Alexa- What time is it? 17.49.

Alexa0- Who’s the best team in Scotland? Celtic.

Alexa- Who ate awe the pies? Monti.

Alexa- Are the Rangairs coming? HAHAHAHA.

Monti
4 years ago
Reply to  Mike

” Alexa, do you know where one may purchase a 65″ Plasma tv, clearly procured from a Tayside homestead “?

Alexa-” 65″ Plasma TV may be purchased in any or most back street, drug ridden, junkie dwelling hovels, asking for a ‘ Mike ‘ seems to get most hots on TripAdvisor ”

🙂

Monti
4 years ago
Reply to  Monti

Hits!!

The Cha
4 years ago
Reply to  Monti

Freundian slip, you think Mike’s “hot”.

Monti
4 years ago
Reply to  The Cha

I’d ride him…yes.

Mike
4 years ago
Reply to  The Cha

Suddenly my buttocks just clenched tighter than the biscuit tin lid… must get some WD 40.

Monti
4 years ago
Reply to  The Cha

Couldn’t get a werthers between those cheeks 😉

Uralius
4 years ago
Reply to  The Cha

Don’t worry Mike between his gut and your old joints, he won’t even tickle your fancy.

Mike
4 years ago

Alexa- Who talks the most pish on E-Tims, Desi, Nooo don’t say that FFS. 😉
Hottie am I.

Mike
4 years ago

Alexa- Who’s the best diarist in Scotland? Ralphy. PISH.

4 years ago

Clatty bastard ^^^^

Mike
4 years ago
Reply to  Iancelt67

Fuckwit ^ ^ ^

Mike
4 years ago
Reply to  Iancelt67

Careful now, your third personality is on show, the fuckwit!

4 years ago

Ten for that you must be mad

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