Rumour Mill

By Rui Milla

I dont have to sell my soul
He’s already in me
I don’t need to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I want to be Edouard
I want to be Edouard

I don’t have to sell my soul
He’s already in me
I don’t need to sell my soul
He’s already in me

I want to be Edouard
I want to be Edouard

Adored

I want to be Edouard
You adore me
You adore me
You adore me
I want to
I want to
I want to be Edouard
I want to
I want to
I want to be Edouard
I want to
I want to
I want to be Edouard
I want to
I want to
I gotta be Edouard

I want to be Edouard

Hell yeah. Gimme a hell yeah. Gimme a Lawwell open yir chastity belt ya tight bastart hell yeah!

It’s been a long time.

Soooo long that Twitter wasn’t invented the last time we wrote a Rumour Mill.

Bloody Twitter, killing our hopes and aspirations before our made up pish had a chance to grow into life changing dreams…only for the Celtic board to later burst them all by switching their fax machine off. What’s that…Whatsapp is now a widely used communication app? And there was us thinking it was a Budweiser advert…auld basturts here!

So how are you all doing? Yes, especially you the quiet one at the back. We’ve missed you all like you miss your favourite auld pish stained uncle at a family wedding. And talking about pish stained…who says we don’t put any effort into this nonsense…there’s so much to share from our favourite Heilan Jessie mole.

All of it completely made up nonsense, lies or figments of his fevered and extremely drunken imagination.

Where to start. In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God said, Let there be light: and he created Odsonne Edouard.

New signings? Pah…we’ll come to that.

So the Blessed one leaving us. What really happened? We don’t know much other than Blessed and the Sharpsuited fellow had a major falling out last summer. Our drunken mole tells us it was totally unexpected as both had built a really strong relationship the previous two seasons. So much so that Brendan had recommended his favoured London based teeth whiting specialist to Peter….a true mark of friendship. What we’ve been told…all lies of course….is Blessed and SSM ended the double treble season in an extremely positive state. Blessed provided a list of four signings he and his staff had spent months monitoring. Not projects. Not loans. First team players he believed could help progress the club in Europe. The first was a massive commitment from the club with the groundwork already set, the permanent signing of French Eddie. Blessed is/was a massive fan and made it clear this was his number one priority. Not long into June and the deed was done. €9m purchase (€6m upfront and the rest in instalments). Everyone still on an enormous high.

The second player was McGinn with Blessed himself taking a prime role in driving this. Not long after the Scottish Cup Final victory over Motherwell and formal season end the Blessed one had McGinn as a guest in his Bearsden home for dinner. He made it clear how much he valued him and the player was lined up to sign. Blessed past on the information to Peter and asked him to close what he believed was a straightforward deal before going on his summer break. All still wonderful in the land of Blessed and SSM. And then…

Deal dragged on and on and on and on (best said in Mrs Doyle stylee!). Blessed got more frustrated by the week, not helped by right back and centre backs he’d provided to SSM not being purchased. Things came to a head leading up to Athens home game when McGinn was in Birmingham after Villa met £2.75m value Hibs were after. Lawwell (over two months later) offered the same fee while the player was at Villa Park having talks! Blessed blew a fuse and this was the point of no return between him and SSM. To this day no one quite knows why from the point of such a high, two domestic back to back trebles, two successive CL group stage qualifications and massive profits earned why matters turned. Was SSM told to go a different approach? Did he decide to show who was in charge? Was Blessed getting too demanding? Was the Kaiser invoking a new 12-24 month strategy…? Irrespective, to go from a such a point of unity and upward curve to infighting at a senior level is something history tells you Celtic are great at!

And after all that chaos…we still won the treble treble. It’s a funny old game Saint?

Aberdeen looking to take Hayes back to Pittodrie on loan. Was initially part of McKenna deal. McKenna noo injured and Johnny currently still flying freestyle high above the Republican Broomloan singing “Johnny Fcuken Hayes”. Don’t think we’ll get him doon from there for a few more days!

So what’s happening with the new hotel then? Well…our MacDonalds hotel barman tells us the application is flying through the council planning application process and the first cut of turf should take place in spring next year. By all accounts it’s a joint venture with a quality hotel group who are Renowned for having fine establishments surrounding hills and lochs. Naw, it’s no a bothy!

Taylor deal all done and dusted. Player is desperate to play for Celtic. We looked at many left backs but sometimes you have to work through your list as players, agents and clubs are liable to change their minds very late in the day when several options are presented to them. Big Jack Baresi, Calvin Klein and possibly one other going to Ayrshire.

Our Adrian tells us the highest bid der Zombies have had for Alfredo is £3m plus add ons of £1m. We hear if they get £5m before the window slams shut they’ll transport him there themselves in Jimmy Bells Lada Riva!

Lenny appointment. So what really Happened? He was interviewed as were many more. Candidates shortlisted and decision to be made the following week. In the unbridled joy of a Hampden treble treble the Kaiser turns to SSM at full time and says “Give the job to Neil”. To say Pedro was surprised would be an understatement! Off they went to the changing area to pass the news to the surprised Lenny who had no idea. What they didn’t expect was Lenny giving a conditional Yes. Conditions being he was going on holiday the next day to Marbella for a week and he wanted commitments for player recruitment. He knows Lawwell is a tight basta, erm, likes to negotiate hard but wanted reassurance that he wouldn’t be left frustrated and carrying the blame if the team wasn’t strengthened. They’ve had their moments this summer but overall strong working relationship in place.

All the team leaks have suddenly disappeared. After a few years of constant revelations through the various WhatsApp groups they’ve now stopped. A number of players have recently left the club…Ach…just pure coincidence.

Offer in the region of €7m due in for Jozo. Deal may be struck on deadline today. Will he pass a fitness test? The big yin would be better served working on the oil rigs…two weeks on…two weeks off!

Would we sign an injured Scott McKenna?

We hear Netflix executives have been in touch with Dave King asking about a behind the scenes look at events at Ibrox. The glib and shameless one excitedly asked was it to follow Gerrard and his match day exploits…No said the Irish exec…it was to follow their court cases!

Talking about court cases, figures mooted in the seedy underworld of seedy pubs frequented by seedy legal Eagles is Fat Mike is looking for £10m recompense. Will he get it? Who knows but being one of their biggest creditors gives him a lock in when the inevitable financial meltdown takes place. Well….Elite/Hummel will be due a big dod of cash when their claim goes in and all of this after the Zombies paid the best part of £500k in court fees to Fat Mike this month…

Ralston to St Johnstone on loan.

We hear Lenny and Blessed are in regular contact and remain good friends with Blessed keen to help Lenny with a recommended player on two. Keep your eyes on this one. Do Leicester have any good centre backs not currently getting a game…?

Euan Henderson is highly rated at the club but needs to play regular games to develop. Expect a loan deal before the window closes. Interest shown in him from abroad.

Btw the Hotel cash projections and profits are purely based on Emirates / Velodrome events…excluding Celtic. If you aren’t aware the Velodrome is used by track teams all year round from across Europe and Sport Scotland and Glasgow Rocks (Basketbaw team) are based in Emirates. Davis Cup tennis events and other high profile competitions as well. No quality hotel in the area. Will be filled to capacity most days excluding fitba. Ten minute taxi and you’re in the Calton quarter…we’ve told yie before but nobody listened to our pish….the east end is the new west end!

Mind the Big screen outside Celtic Park that was initially rejected before being later approved? Well our Glasgow Catholic Mafia Mole tells us it was all a PR stunt (we said stunt!) as far bigger things are afoot. What could they be? Well…the surroundings are getting better by the year. But one big change would be a club game changer at the top table. What could it be?

Would be a real tough one if we receive a €10m offer for Ntcham before window closes. January may be a better bet and all being well will align with young Turnbull being back to full fitness. Or will it…?

We hear Victor Wanyama…Victor Wanyama…Victor Wanyama Wanyama Wanyama….and Lenny had a conversation about Vic returning to Celtic a few weeks ago as the two have remained in regular contact since Lenny signed him a few years ago. Celtic won’t pay the £10m+ Spurs are after but a loan deal would be possible with Celtic willing to pick up around £40k per week of his wages. Spurs want to sell but if Vic refuses to go to Bruges it’s unlikely they’ll not want £2m per year taken off their wage bill by moving him on loan. Vic is a colossus who is desperate to return to Celtic where he had the happiest spell of his career and playing for a manager he rates highly. If SSM pulls this one off on Monday all will be forgiven…well almost!

So why have we got so much money stashed away in the bank? Estimates of somewhere between £50-60m are extremely unusual. Is the Kaiser working his exit plan? Who knows although you’d think he’d want the co-op Loan paid off first before doing so. We understand the mountain of cash is primarily for brick and mortar projects…see Glasgow Catholic Mafia comments earlier. As well as the new joint venture hotel proposal that is flying through the planning allocation process, Celtic have also committed to spending £6m in upgrading Barrowfield. We also understand they want to put a small stand and terrace in there holding up to 2,000 people to host the reserve and Celtic ladies teams with particular focus and investment on making the ladies team the best in Scotland in the next couple of years…watch this one.

However…the biggy….the absolute daddy…is the club have spoken to a number of architects about replacing the current old (south) stand with a new aesthetically pleasing structure that will blend in with the three other stands. We understand the club doesn’t want a like for like Stand that would take capacity up to 75,000. Instead it will hosts state of the art facilities, including new changing rooms, underground coach entry for home and visiting teams and be a state of the art showpiece building that will take capacity up to a rather wonderful 67,000. The old stand is almost 50 years old and although in reasonable condition with so much cash available now is the time to start making long term investments, especially with European football being restructured again and a certain SSM on the 4 man panel alongside Ajax, Real Madrid and Arsenal! The chance of hosting a Champions League final would also be on the cards. Discussions have been taking place for months and we expect the club to announce the stadium plans before the year is out. The Jimmy McGrory Stand has a lovely ring to it.

That’s your fill of made up wind and pish for now or is it?

Treble treble…and a treble on Monday!