The History Review Panel
Scottish Football fans have been informed that Allan McGregor will not be cited for any violent conduct following his “lashing out ( Stephen Gerrards words) at the prostrate Kristoffer Ajer on Sunday. This follows Alfredo Morelos having a red card reduced to a yellow after blatantly kicking someone up at Pittodrie.
The defence claim is that a new UEFA directive asking for an interpretation of “Excessive Violence used” must apply.
Following this latest instalment in the “Scottish Governing Bodies condone violence” season, the high heid yins at Etims Historical Society have got together and decided the “excessive violence” approach must be respected and have suggested the Panel retrospectively review all current claims on its Books
The results are as follows:
Accused: Attila The Hun
Accusation: Led Rampaging campaigns in which “There were so many murders and blood-lettings that the dead could not be numbered”
Panel review: Without VAR its hard to say whether Attila is actually guilty. The Panel also reject the use of the sectarian and unwanted term ‘Hun’ and apologies to Attila and request respect is shown for all members regardless of accusation.
Panel Verdict: Probably a nice guy who was kind to his mother. No offence.
Accused: Vlad the Impaler
Accusation: Impaled around 100000 enemies through the torso with large stakes and erecting these stakes in the ground. Impalement would proceed either vertically or horizontally through the core of the body. Sometimes thousands of prisoners would be impaled at the same time. Many victims lived for several days in agony.
Panel review: The panel members believe that “Stakes through the torso” is a vague claim to say the least. At a recent Largs review, it was agreed that the rules apply only to a kick on the legs so this claim is inappropriate for any post match review.
Panel Verdict: Case dismissed.
Accused: Genghis Khan or Temüjin Borjigin ( worth more in shirt name sales)
Accusation: Killed over 40 million people leading the Mongol Empire on a blood filled campaign into the Western lands of Asia and Europe.
Panel review: This seems to clearly be more of a UEFA matter given the location. On initial evidence the Panel feels that it seems yet another matter of hearsay over hard evidence and doubts any contravention of any Scottish Football Book statutes.
Panel Verdict: Suggest a Fax be sent to UEFA Compliance officer.
Accused: Shaka Zulu
Accusation: A rebel who killed his half brother to claim the crown. When his mother died he declared a period of mourning of more than a year. During this time, crops were not planted ( leading to starvation) and any woman that became pregnant was killed together with her husband. All the cows that gave birth were killed so that their calves could know how it felt like to lose a mother
Panel review: Again the panel must reject the claims on offer as it cannot officially recognise the sectarian claim “rebel” in evidence. The Panel concede that this title probably does suggest he was a bad ‘un but its politically sensitive times these days etc. Animal husbandry is also sadly outwith the Panels remit bar the annual award to Broxi Bear for Mascot of the Year.
Panel Verdict: The Panel reluctantly must declare this matter Not Proven.
Accused: Pol Pot
Accusation: Unleashed a genocide that exterminated at least 25% of Cambodia’s population of eight million, and perhaps more. His Khmer Rouge relied on methods of torture and execution that were atavistic in their savage cruelty and depraved barbarity
Panel review: Given the Panel members are involved in attending swanky dinners as part of the current MurrayField vs Hampden Park decision, it feels it cannot give any review of The Killing Fields as this may be seen as a conflict of interest.
Panel Verdict: Case closed.
Accused: Joseph Stalin
Accusation: Responsible for death total of around 20 million, citing much higher victim totals from executions, Gulag camps, deportations and other causes
Panel review: The Panel is disappointed to see this case before it given it really really enjoyed its trip to the recent World Cup in Russia. While the evidence does appear fresh and compelling here, it notices that a massive new care package has arrived from a Mr V Putin of Russia so really has to go open that first.
Panel Verdict: Verdict pending post further deliberation, say 50 years.
Accused: Mao Zedong
Accusation: In 1957 he launched a campaign known as the Great Leap Forward that aimed to rapidly transform China’s economy from agrarian to industrial. This campaign led to the deadliest famine in history and the deaths of an estimated minimum of 45 million people between 1958 and 1962
Panel review: Once again the Panel respect the body of evidence supplied but must defer any judgement in this case. The Scottish Football Governing bodies wish to continue to try and entice Chinese sponsors and also wish to punt our Television rights to the Far East as quickly as possible. The Panel reject claims this has anything to do with Dave Kings friends in Hong Kong.
Panel Verdict: Case dismissed.