Pedro's Post Match Analysis

Pedro’s Post Match Analysis

El cormaco has been hanging around behind the scenes at Ibrox again, and was party to the post match analyse, or analysis, or something…


The scene: deep in the bowels of Ibrox stadium, an office. The door says “Stevie: IT guy & receptionist”.  Piled high on the desk are unopened letters with phrases like “Final Demand” “Urgent, not a circular” and “Payment overdue”

Paul Murray opens the door, and sits behind the desk, hair shining like the North star on a clear night, slick like a 2008 Barca passing move and rigid like the tactical shape of *Rangers.

Behind him walks Pedro Caixhinia, a benign smile across his face, humming the Celtic song as he follows in Brother Murray.

PM: Right Pedro, take a seat

PC: Paul, I must say this, and maybe you are not believing this, but I am a guy who only tell what he thought, and I felt so happy already with the seat what I have, I mean it, totally, it is the best seat in Scotland, it’s the seat what I wants, I ask for this seat and you and all of the board is support me to have this seat, the seat that will help us in all the philosophy of this fantastic cl-

PM: It’s a turn of phrase Pedro, I just mean sit down.

PC: Of course. Sitting down… but Paul I will tell you, because always telling my thinking is a key parts of what this work is involving, in all the moments of an action and a planning, sitting down is not in the part of my philosophy with this project. From sitting down it is so difficult to keep, in the really what I call “compactedness”, too many things are not together in this ways, and for us the success always co-

PM: Right, stand if you want. We need to talk Pedro

PC: Absolutely Paul! Like I was tell you in the minute ago, telling my thinking, like you say in Scotland, and is a great way to saying it, “talking” is absolutely in my philosophy of to be in the football, “talking” – oh Paul I like so much this phrase, really, is so good, maybe I will find in Portuguese how we can say this things, “talking”, yes I’m love it Paul, “talking”. Let “talking” Paul.

PM: Ri-ight. Pedro, frankly, we can’t go on like this, another loss to Celtic at home, you heard the fans out there Pedro

PC: Yes, I did! “Hail, hail, the Celts is here” fantastic! I –

PM: Not those fans Pedro, the Rangers fans. Chanting things like “Get him tae f*ck”, “You Fenian bast**d get out of our club” “Dave King, sort it out” We can’t have that Pedro. We are known worldwide for our dignity. Fans calling you a fenian bast**d, that’s one thing, but when they start criticising Dave, you can see the position it puts us in…

PC: Of course, totally. I am seeing all the things, in every moments, I work every day, many hours, believe me, many hours in each day for prepare myself for all of the things in the football so I can see, make analyse of all situation and with good thinking finding always good solutions for every problem for helping grow this fantastic club, this club with so much in history of all the football, that is –

PM: Fair enough, so how do you make analyse – analyse – our performance today?

Pedro digs into his coat pocket and brings out a glass, an orange, a piece of chewing gum, some string, a rubber ball, a rubiks cube, a 50 p piece and a harmonica and begins arranging them carefully on the desk, pondering slowly over where each piece should go

PM: Just words are fine Pedro. Brief words.

With a sad expression, like a kid whose ice cream has fallen on the ground, Pedro looks up 

PC: You don’t want my full analyse of the game?

PM: Just a normal analyse – analysis – will do.

PC: Okay Paul, I am not in a rhythm of make an analyse in this way, but I respect so much all of this club and its history and being the most successful club of the world, I can make a change for my analyse and do only with “talking” ah, this word Paul! I am in love with this new idea of you have explain to me, so I can make my analyse, not forget of course that Scott Brown, is for second time, second time he do this, he elbows one player of my team –

Paul Murray rolls his eyes

PM: Pedro. Analyse. Just analyse the game. Pronto

PC: Pronto? You mean the guy who is playing full back in my team of Santos in Mexico? You want I make analyse of Pronto? For to be replaced of Wallace?

Pedro reaches into his coat again

PM: Eh? No. The game. Getting horsed. Why? Tell me.

PC: Okay, but I have a full analyse also of Pronto, in all the combinations in the game, in each the pressing sectors, of the medium block, and the third blocking line and even of him make the press in a first block, in our transition movement, of what we do when the opponent is having the ball and wants making the play in offensive way with action of dynamic in a position in the middle area of high press and a midfield player with name which end in “Y” and kicking ball with his right feet is playing in direction where is the wind come from in, I actually have this! Already. It’s my way to be in the football, with all this details, all the ideas of my philosophy is I guess we can say, is “composed” with this methods, for the tactic of the group, for the boys, for-

PM: Whist. Stop. Talking. I. Don’t. Understand. You. Comprende pal?

PC: Paul! You know also this player! I can seeing you like all the details of the football as well as I like! I have also full tactical, and I can say, technical analyse of Comprendepal! We have one mind together Paul! We are the people! Comprendepal, playing usually for left, what I call, attack position, but interesting because he played not only for attack position, but in the moment in transition…

Paul Murray begins banging his head against the table, so firmly some of it even moves ….