Pedro’s Progres Report
El cormaco has been away for a while, he hasn’t said where he’s been, but he wandered into Ibrox one day and left his tape recorder running….so he says, anyway.
Setting: A musty smelling office in the bowels of Ibrox stadium, damp is in the air, boxes are stacked high in a corner labelled “Going for 55 display; keep”. In the room is Paul Murray(PM), his hair a shining monument to styling products, and Stewart Robertson (SR), with an agenda and note pad and pen to hand. In walks Pedro Caixinha (PC), wearing *Rangers training gear and smelling of fine masculine cologne
SR: Pedro, please come in, sit down.
PC: Hi guys, it’s so good to see you today, so good, really, I’m meaning it, I’m so happy to see you all today.
Pedro goes down the line smiling and attempting a complicated personal hand shake / high five type combination with both of them, which in each case ends messily and uncertainly
PC: We still need some work on these, it’s okay, my methods are not simple but they are the best ones, soon we will all know how it is working and be doing this with great rhythm and intensity in the combinations and-
SR: A-ha. Okay, well maybe we can come back to that. Anyway, Pedro, we wanted to bring you in today for a performance review, we –
PC: Performance, yes, absolutely, performance is so important, in everything, its, you can say this, it’s the key, you must put in place the opportunities and from these then we can see the performance is increasing, is growing all the time with my methods for the performance, for helping the guys, because really, I need to say, the guys, they are working so hard, so hard, really, in everything, really hard, and the performance of the team is transition now into getting stronger, we are seeing now some what I call…
SR: Pedro, sorry need to interrupt you there, performance yes, of your performance, how you are getting on managing here at Rangers, how you think you are doing, how we think you are doing
PM: (whispered) f*cking sh*te
SR: (ignoring the audible whisper) and what things we might want to look to improve together and how we can help make that happen
PC: Totally yes, this is always my idea, to be doing all the things to improve, in everything, because we are the people and I always want to see – In fact I was saying just now to Bruno that –
SR: Pedro, sorry again, need to interrupt here,
PM: I’ve got a game of golf in an hour Pedro so we need to get through this, alright?
PC: Of course, absolutely, totally, I am agree 100% with this position, this philosophy of how to be in every detail, in every even I can say every moment to think about how to get through
PM: (whispered) oh for f*cks sake, might a thought about how to get through Progres ..
SR: Pedro, again, time is a factor, I’ll just go through the items on my agenda and you can give me your thoughts, okay?
Before Pedro can begin to answer he continues
SR: So Pedro, first item, first team squad – player sales and player recruitment – we have sold McKay, Waghorn, Garner, and sne tout O Halloran and brought in Alves, Pena, Dorrans, Herrerra, Candeias, Jack, Dalcio and others who I’m afraid I can’t remember at this point – how do you feel the squad is looking now?
PC: Well, really, I must say this, really the squad is the fantastic squad. It is the best squad in Scotland, that is certain, certain, absolutely, with great possibilities in every piece of the pitch, great possibility within the transition, and even outside of the transition there is always the high level of capacity for keeping with the ball in really dangerous places in the pitch for our opponent, but not only for them, for us and in our idea, we have a great possibility with this squad, we can make all of the things now for creating this mentality of Rangers who is a great team with such a history in the football and with this focus, because really guys, in the football, without this focus, this possibility for making all the things in every detail of the game, really without this then is so difficult to be absolutely arriving to the place where you are wanting to be. And not only wanting, but
PM: Pedro, sorry, stopping you there. Let me try another way – you sold players for peanuts who are now scoring goals in England, and brought in a load of guys who look either unfit, useless or both, and have spent plenty money to do it….
PC: Well of course this is the one way to look at a situation, maybe you can say even the first way, but I prefer, and I say this always, I prefer to look in another way, not only with the football, but with all life
PM: Well, what about it, are any if these donkeys ever going to cut it?
SR: Paul, I’ll just move on if you don’t mind, Pedro I think has answered the question, sort of. Is there more you wanted to say about that Pedr-oooh (Murray kicks him hard under the desk). Right, no, right, yes, we’ll just crack on. Next item, results
PC: Yes, all the results is so important for the project we are trying to build here, the periodisation of our playing is a big results, and –
SR: Pedro. Sorry, results. As in the score line of matches, at the end of the game. How do you think they have been going?
PM: We’ve been horsed twice by Celtic Pedro. We’ve lost at home to Aberdeen for the first time in years, we got papped out of Europe before people were even taking their summer holidays, we just got horsed again by Neil Lennon, we can’t beat Hearts at home…
PC: Yes, of course, I am hearing you Paul, and Stewart, I’m hearing all that you are thinking now in your minds, but not only in the minds, and this I think is so important, really, is maybe if you like for me, my key thinking about this, also with the hearts. You are thinking with the hearts, and I love this thing, it’s absolutely of my philosophy and of my planning for this project and why this club, this great club with such its history on the football-
PM: Pedro, whist. The results are shocking. Why, and what are you going to do about it- answer that please?
PC: Paul, yes! This is why I am so happy to be here, when I see this passion of the club I know it’s exactly with my idea
PM: Hoi, no, stop it, answer my question
PC: Okay. Okay. So the first thing, absolutely the first thing, because without this thing nothing is possible, really guys, nothing. You maybe are not believing it, but believe me, it is so important this thing
Pedro reaches into his training top and takes out four small water glasses and begins arranging them on the table
PM: Oh holy f*ck. Right, enough, I’m outta here. Stewart, we’ll have to ask Dave to ask Jim to ask Keith to write that Pedro’s resigned, I can’t put up with his sh*te any more!
With that Murray vacates his seat, hair gleaming like spring light on a mountain stream, and leaves the meeting
PC: So, are we going to continue to talk about what is the philosophy, the idea even in the mentality of the project –
SR: Oh, shut it Pedro