A Fitbaw guide to the Election

A Fitbaw guide to the Election

A Scottish Fitbaw guide to Voting


Aberdeen,,,Oh the runner up, the bridesmaid, the defacto second in line.
A review could read “Well led, well drilled team with some quality and many a battle scarred veteran”.
Now to some, The above would suggest the Tories but there’s more to the Dandy Dons than just a torn faced deluded leader like the Scottish Conservative and Davidson Party.

After all…they have gradually improved year after year and in fairness increasingly won peoples respect and in some areas, peoples jealousy.
Again same may say that could also be said of the Tories but Aberdeen dont quite have that hate factor that comes with the Blue Party, except from the fans in blue red and white of course.

So, even though they booed the Lison lions tribute at Hampden, we’re gonna liken the Pittodrie Box Tickers led by wee hairy face Derek with the Scottish Green party, also led by a wee Hairy face in Patrick Harvie.


Oh where to start?
Definitely no the European question..no after last season. Things can only get better and then some.

What about The Boardroom?
Well at least up to recently, that covered all your Unionist loving bases, a Tory Lord and a Labour Party veteran.
Our main shareholder is famous for his breakfasts with Tory Leaders and seeking juicy Government contracts.

However…Thats the board.

You must then turn and look at the CLUB…and THE FANS!

A more caring and considerate bunch it would be hard to beat. An ethos of One for all and All for One, regardless of race creed or colour. Its an open house and everyones mucking in the same.

Finding a party to reflect that idea though starts to get slightly difficult.

Labour claim for the many not the few yet its the many not the few who believe Kezia Dugdale would gladly ask “How High?” should Ruth Davidson bark a “Jump” order…and Celtic fans dont take too well to orders, especially from jumped up no marks with false senses of grandeur, in Holyrood, Westminster or UEFA.

The Lib Dems?..well theyre more for themselves regardless of outcome so they’re out the running, in fact don’t mention running or wee Wullie Rennie will put on clown shoes, and start running about whilst shouting “Look at me!, look at me!, wacky as fuck me!”.

The SNP?..well policies more central and down the middle of the road in places but when that middle of the road has seen kettling in Celtic scarves, well people dont look at the FoCUS Polis, but more at the stupid Bill the Police hide behind.

So who does that leave?

UKIP?..dont be daft..we don’t do Union Jacks in our Tifos!

Sinn Féin?…well like BBC iplayer, tis only available in certain areas and currently not in ours.

The Scottish Socialist Party?..well former leader Tommy Sheridan is a Celtic fan and the socialist side sounds so romantic and oh how we love the old romance touch at Celtic. Hmmm…Just not sure how it fits in with the new corporate entity these days..maybe one for come the revolution brothers ( Walfrid? -Ed)…in fact can someone contact our old left-wing right winger John colquhoun and ask him if the Communist Party are still available?

Seemed to be stable before a dramatic turn into a right ramshackle outfit.

Once were ran by someone who while colourful seemed to at least know what they were doing before a quick series of losses saw them face the exit.  Now ran by someone who while making an early desired impact is more known for talking utter shite at every instance. His outpourings make people wail and weep and his lavish claims continue to go without question by his arse licking friends in the media while Joe Public hates their guts.

On behalf of Paul Hartley and BT Sport fans everywhere, enjoy that UKIP vote!


There they stand, Eyes filled in fear and dressed in red, possibly to hide the blood from 1000 self inflicted cuts.
Just about hanging on by the skin of their teeth after the last run of dire events.
The future doesn’t look bright at all for Kezia Dugdale and deluded chums and the same fading away into history could await Hamilton if Martin Canning and his players don’t get their act together pronto.


Like the Lib Dems, Hearts have had quite the self inflicted palaver over the last few years and also claim to have finally sorted themselves out. Getting a bit tiresome as they proudly tell everyone they are now rebuilding but people still watch that young ginger frontman along with dubious senior leadership figure lurking in the background and think its very suspect.
Ultimately trust remains notably absent from the majority of Scots and all the spin and smiles cant hide the nagging feeling there’s nowt there behind the curtain.
Still, Tim Farron finally denied hating gay people so that’s something to vote for down Tynecastle way eh?


A talented and dogged wee ginger leader who defies constant attacks and demands respect and a seat at the big table, all despite outpourings of sheer and utter bile from half the folk (and Mike) out there, for no apparent reason other then being themselves and daring to proudly give a damn.
Its the SNP all the way down Leith Walk!


Rough, ready and always claim that they are ready for a scrap but in truth they never really manage anything of any significance whatsoever despite the “Oh aye” raising of eyebrows when another classy old veteran campaigner joins their cause. Its RISE isn’t it…and by the way Ayrshire is an anagram of HARY RISE so that sounds about perfect for the hipster left set.


Ah the locals of Lanarkshire…talk about Something for everyone yet also nothing to no-one.
From a rugged and earnest local blue collared outfit to a non descript empty entity. Its society embodied in a football club.
A former left giant that has went so far right that its now electing Tory Councillors in union jack shoes.

As Ravenscraig’s dark bloody historical history disappears up the arse of gentrification, the next generation of Lanarkshire voters await to welcome the Scottish Unionist and Unions Party…well they can choose between Scottish Labour and Ruth and her Tories for now, it will all be the same soon enough.


Partick Thistle
Oh what twists life can throw one…
I mean, there you are: Living in you’re comfortable wee Mary “Home baking is great isn’t it” Berry  lovely west end bohemian bubble and suddenly the organic cous cous is all aflame up Firhill way.  Not only have the Harry Wraggs been crashing the top 6 top-table but then they also astonished when having to face rampant invasions from ugly foreigners coming from across the water who jump about acting like they own the place having only been here 5 minutes.

No respect whatsoever and all you can do is cry out to a negligent Authority who just turn a blind eye!

You may have suspected The Greens but no…it’s UKIP to go with the Northern Glasgow quinoa mealy munchers!


Oh where to start.
Led by a mental out of this world leader who denies all reality in front of them.

Supported by blinkered followers who care not one jot and give not one fuck about anyone else bar themselves.

From multiple funding scandals to a self grandeur beyond belief.

To a Media buy-in beyond comprehension or worth.

From a mercenary lot that have hearts as deep as the white lines round Ibrox, its clear it only be the Tories for the Ibrox happy marching brigade.

They don’t even try and hide it these days and as the Orange Order, UKIP and the National Front slide on in under the Tory Party Guise in Scotland, things really can only get worse within that horrible relationship.

Funny how Strong and Stable almost rhymes with We are the People.

Ross County
A wee happy go lucky mob, no bothering anybody really. There they are, aWay up there, bumbling along, no making waves, happy to be inside the tent amid the warmth…a bit like a Far Northern Liberal Democrat..well without the Lying part. Mind you, can play a little bit ugly when it matters mind, also like a Far Northern Liberal Democrat helping to leak smears on a First Minister at a wee French Ambassador soiree but hey, we wouldn’t want to wish yon Carmichael on anyone so lets just give them the Scottish Christian Party..(and judging by what a former colleague from Benbencula ( and Yes I know!!, dear Scottish Geography pedants, save your breath) told me about those far North After-Church parties, then I doubt anyone from Ross County will be complaining!


St Johnstone
Led by a quiet man who just keeps getting the job done, year after year, challenge after challenge. Nothing flashy or spectacular here, just slow and steady and the respect grows accordingly. Well that’s any link to George Galloway out straight away then. The Perthshire mob have found the middle ground, they dont annoy that many folk and occasionally get the odd good result here and there without really disturbing the status quo.

Now if this was England then no problem,  they would be the Lib Dems in a by-election, but we are here in Scotland.
That twist sadly veers them more towards the Tories but in all truth we cant bestow that horror on them after spending many a fun night at Electric Whispers and The Himmy for curry way back in the day.

Lets just say theyre all out buying Tartan Rugs and Barbour jackets on Thursday