Thoughts From An End Of Season Sofa Part Two

El cormaco returns with his second report on his pre season thoughts. This time, keep your comments about the article.
So here I am back again, telling you all how great I am with nothing to back it up – think Joey Barton, but not a total w*nk. Okay, think Joey Barton.
Top Scorer:
Prediction:
“Leigh Griffiths. 40 goals last season, I think if he avoids injury he can do even better this year, his overall game is getting better too – a great assist for Sinclair yesterday.

He seems to win over every manager who comes in and thinks “he could do a job out wide”- within a few games he’s first pick striker who wins games for us by scoring goals out of nothing. He misses chances no doubt but I for one am very glad we have him.”

Reality
He was robbed! Had a stop start season, often injured when he had the chance to come into the team to replace Dembele when he picked up knocks, so he didn’t really get going this season with a run of games until recently, when he did what he does – score goals.
Not a bad season for him really, but not the man who carried us to the league like the year before. Top Scorer was actually Liam Boyce at Ross County, I will be honest and say when he is inevitably linked with *rangers I will not be quaking in my boots, and still be very happy we have the Griff

Player of the year:
Prediction:
“Scott Sinclair. I was genuinely surprised we signed him; I thought he’d either stay at Villa or move to a lower half of EPL team. I think Rodgers can bring him back to the level he was at Swansea where he looked a real talent – fast, good control, can beat a man, a goal scorer.

With him on one flank, Roberts on the other and Griffiths / Dembele through the middle we look a real dangerous attack in Scotland. He seems to have come for the right reasons, to enjoy playing and winning things and I think we’ll take to him and he’ll take to us.

Patrick Roberts should be a contender too. He is a great player to watch, loves it here and we should copy the Ibrox mob and do a march – no, not that kind. We should send a delegation to Barbados and stay outside Desmond’s mansion till he hands over the money to buy him from Man City. I’ll volunteer myself for what could be a tough few months sitting in Barbados with a placard.

The Press will obviously go for Joey Barton, just because you know, WATP n that. He’s a decent player no doubt but I can’t see him tearing up the league the way the SMSM desperately want him to, his legs are going and he’ll need someone else to do the dirty work, which to be honest was the best part of his game. He’ll still be dirty though when he can.”

Reality:
Spot on again. Sinclair to be honest has been quiet for the last while but he tore it up in the first half of the league and gives us an ability to stretch the game in Europe we’ve not had for some time. There are certain players you always thought had something and wondered why they hadn’t really delivered – I had seen quite a bit of Sinclair at Swansea and felt he was a player, I’m glad he’s proved me right. And Paddy? I’m still up for that demonstration in Barbados, I would love to see him wearing number 7 next year. Crowdfund me, I’ll stay outside Dermot’s place drinking Lilt until we sign him up.
And Barton? Can it get any more embarrassing for the press than running a “by the minute” for his debut? Yes, if you have to report Ali Crawford nut-megging him as part of the same report. His eventual downfall and banning from football is something I bet even he didn’t see coming, otherwise he would have piled in on it.

Scottish Cup:
Prediction:
“Celtic. Its time. It all worked out really last year with Hibs finally winning the cup in the “Battle of Hampden”, where *Rangers fans came on the pitch at the end to demonstrate what they meant when they complained of no fight during the match.

But enough Scottish Cup, we’ve let you meet other people and play the field, but we’re ready to take you back home where you belong now and treat you right.”

Reality:
Well. What can I say? Right again.
Occasionally I get a feeling about a game, like that Man United would beat Ajax 2-0 the other night – it was so predictable, but being a jessie, I rarely bet. All I felt ahead of this game was anxiety. We were all so confident, “only one more game to go, we’ve beaten them every time we’ve played them, half their team are away” … it was all adding up in my mind to a very close call, one we might well lose.
We didn’t play that well on the day, Sinclair seems to be developing a worrying trend of missing absolute sitters, Tierney going off seemed to rattle us, but cometh the hour, cometh the big Aussie.

What a way to win a cup, to finish a season, to seal a treble, to go down in the history of our amazing club. When Tam picked it up I just thought “run”, and then time seemed to slow down. I got one of my “feelings”. This was it, Tam was going to score the winner. I became hyper aware as he drifted past one player, then shimmied his way past a second, I could see it all unfold just before it did, I was up out of my sofa to celebrate before he’d even lifted his foot back to shoot. When he scored I didn’t scream or shout, I held my arms out in silent wonder, fell to my knees, hands clasped Tommy Burns style and thanked God, the Universe and anyone else who wanted some love that I was a Celtic fan, on this day, in this season. “Liar” you might think, but I know it to be true, the holy spirit visited upon me and told me “this is it son, up out of your seat, big Tam is off here and is going to score a worldie, get up to start celebrating”.
League Cup:
Prediction:
“Aberdeen. Mc Innes will audition for the Ibrox hot seat next year by beating them in the final”

Reality
Happy to be wrong here as we won the League cup without conceding a goal and got some early rewards for our great start to the season. Mc Innes auditioned for the Ibrox job next year by losing comfortably to us in the final, a step up from this year’s managers over there who lost comfortably to us in the semi-finals
Journalist of the Year:
Prediction:
“This will be tight. Chris Union Jack will obviously never tire of waving the flag for *Rangers but the strain is clearly telling on him – as I mentioned his profile pic now looks like he’s eaten all the unsold blue burgers from last season in a sitting and has he beef sweats rolling off him. Bungle Matthew Lindsay and the always eager to please Keith Jackson will all also be competing to get furthest up Warbiola’s backside.

I think we could be in for an epic year in the press – from “*Rangers are going for 55” to “*Rangers are building for 55 next year”, to “*Rangers teams legs finally keep going for 55 minutes” to “Get Warburton to f*ck, he’s a diddy”, to “Bring back Walter”.

Reality
Keith took the prize again this year. Which is all sorts of crazy. And to blow my own trumpet even further I’m sure we had a few “bring back Walter” pieces this year too, as well as all the stages of anger in between as the magic hat was relegated to the tragic tw*t.
The gradual lowering of expectation at Ibrox across the season was a genuine delight, thank you level 5, the Press and the idiotic players – hi Kenny Miller and James Tavernier – who again and again can be guaranteed to come up with a quote about what they are going to do the us and the rest of the league which they prove entirely incapable of backing up with actions. It never gets old.

Ref of the Year:
Prediction:
“One game in and already this looks like it will be another closely fought contest in the “honest mistake” stakes. I think the award will be shared out as they are all rubbish. Not saying biased by the way, just really really rubbish. And prone to honest mistakes.”

Reality:
Another wondrous year of ineptitude and incompetence, goals that were but weren’t – Motherwell, penalties that weren’t but were – Ross County and that were but weren’t – Griffiths hacked down by Hill, red cards overlooked for the “aye but he’s a rangers man” sub rule – Hackallday, the most obvious moment was probably the just mentioned Clint Hill tackling Griffiths around his midriff in the penalty area in the last minute of a game *rangers were winning 1-1 and be judged as a non-foul – even the Rangers TV commentator guy was waiting for a whistle on that one..
Some other predictions:
Prediction:
“Celtic will make it through to the Champions league (God I hope I’m right on this one) and will get 6 or 7 points (God I hope I’m right on this one)”

Reality:
Check. Only managed 3 points but signs that the longer we played in Champions league the more we seemed to believe we were able to play at that level, so hopefully better times ahead here, and after two years away and no wins under Ronnie in the Europa last year it was great to hear the music at Paradise again. “The Champions… the f*cking Champions…da da da DAAAA!!!”. They’re the words right?

Prediction:
“*Rangers will get one away draw in a cup. No more than one, but even the Bears are beginning to notice the uncanny knack of home draws they have had since they began again and so they’ll get one easy away one before normal service resumes”
Reality:
No, I was wrong, all their draws were at home. The only records they are capable of breaking are ones on statistical likelihood…toss a coin fifty times and it turns up heads 50 times sort of thing

Prediction:
“Waghorn(pen) will get into double figures for the season. Of penalties, obviously”
Reality:
Sadly for referees they’ve proven incapable of getting into the box often enough to draw a tackle from the opposition so even referees have found it harder than they’d like to award the Waghornpens

Prediction:
“The Press will stir stories about Rodgers, Sinclair, Griffiths, Dembele, and any other Celtic player in form leaving ahead of any important game we have. This isn’t really a prediction as much as saying the sun will rise in the morning and set in the evening.”
Reality:
Of course they did

Prediction:
“Warbiola will be touted for every mangers job going by the Scottish press, and none by the English press”
Reality:
Sort of right… they were touting him for the Forest job at the same time as saying the *Rangers job was too big for him and he didn’t “get the club” right up until his sackignation

Prediction:
“Barton will fall out with the Ibrox crowd or vice versa. As seen online there is a long history of trenchant views, aggression and unwillingness to play by the rules. And Barton is no better! I think when he gets sent off at Ibrox against us for some petulant nonsense and blesses himself going off the pitch might be the moment the love-in ends.”
Reality:
Well, what can I say? While Scottish Sun journalists were predicting he would be the player of the year your E-tims family saw the truth.

While it wasn’t a red card against us that brought the love in to an end, he became the scape goat for the first of the 5-1 shellackings handed out this season. Rather than put Celtic in their place Broony laughed in his face, he fell out in disgrace then cleared his coffee maker space and learned the words to Grace. Once a Tim and all that.

So thanks for playing Joey, and good luck with your 18 month ban for gambling, my heart bleeds.
So, kneel before Zod, I am your prediction guru. Joey Barton comes to me for his betting tips and you should too – follow me @elcormaco

Hail hail