The purpose of the diary, should there be such a thing, is to inform and amuse. Every now and then we get all serious and throw ourselves into an issue which demands comment, but by and large, the focus is on putting a smile on the face of the reader, because with the BBC planning to do further series’s of Miranda, Citizen Khan and anything with Michael McIntyre in it, the lord knows we need to find laughter somewhere.

Thankfully, there is plenty of source material. The newspapers, with their own unique version of events never fails to disappoint. Former players masquerading as experts chip in now and again, radio and television presenters can hold their own in this company, and yet every now and again, someone crops up with something that is worthy of true recognition.

At Etims, every Friday we award the title of Knob of the Week to someone who has reached those giddy heights. Some weeks the accolade is given to someone who has demonstrated that he is more of a knob than anyone else that week. Other weeks, the standard is quite high, and it takes a supreme effort to win.

This weeks winner justifies a place at the top of the page, such is the quality of knobbery involved.

The Diary is there to provide a laugh or two, but after reading through Andrew Smiths offering in the Scotsman, those of us who try to make others laugh are given a lesson in the art by a real master.

Charlie Nicholas: Celtic need a rival to make titles count

Nicholas is excused, as he is paid by Sky Sports to promote the clash between Celtic and “rangers “, and with the word “liquidation ” having four syllables, he probably can;t even say it, let alone understand its meaning. He’s just saying what his paymasters demand of him, and he scored one of my favourite goals ever at Ibrox, so he’s kind of allowed to earn his money however he has to these days.

But the article itself will go down as a classic. Not, however, that the author will be pleased about that.

Any Celtic supporter ought to be in clover right now. The club is the untouchable force in Scottish football and, with Brendan Rodgers ratcheting up both performance and pay levels, exhibiting a potential to become more competitive in Europe . None more so, you might think, than Charlie Nicholas. Especially as the former striker was well and truly at the sharp end during his second spell at his beloved club because it coincided with Rangers then appearing as the Glasgow football titan that appeared permanently out of reach.

Yet Nicholas sees in Celtic’s hegemony a hopelessness on a wider front that could ultimately both hurt Scotland’s club game and the international side beyond repair.

Presumably , Celtic should stop trying to win things, desist from improving the side and give the other side two golas of a start, otherwise we’re never going to a World cup again.

Incredibly, smith declares that the game in Scotland has survived the massive tax fruad committed at Ibrox, but will not survive a dominant Celtic.

The fan will never leave him, as he demonstrated yesterday when answering a question about Celtic appearing on course to usurp Rangers’ 54 titles – they are currently on 47 – as they march towards a seventh straight title.

This fan pretty much has, especially if he continues to spout his drivel. Celtic , of course, will usurp the toital of 54 titles amassed by Rangers, who cannot now add to that total. Is Smith alluding to that fact ? 

What does Charlie think ? ( I’m using “think ” here for want of a better word, and in the loosest possible sense)

“Well, a lot of people might say that we’ll dig into Rangers’ history and see if that’s the reality,”  

I’ve tried a few times. I haven’t the faintest idea what he’s on about.

Smith tries to help with an explanation

he ( Nicholas ) said in reference to the history that many believe the post-liquidation newco Rangers did not take with them. 


for anyone struggling with the term “post liquidation newco “, perhaps becuase they don’t have a degree in company law, its probably an idea to use google for a definition…

Nothing came up, as Smith has invented an entirely new term, and it’s completely meaningless. Email him and ask him what it actually means.

He continues…

As a Celtic fan he also says the unsayable about his own club, in that he believes title-winning without a Rangers that is a league rival in any real sense, will lose its lustre. 

Nicholas then burbles on about how much we need Rangers, which is sweet. I miss my dear old Granny, but she ain’t coming back any time soon. She lives on in memories, however, which is the best that Rangers can hope for.

Nicholas, still somewhat shamefully, is merely trotting out the company line echoed by all Sky presenters. They never talk down their games, and yet here he is claiming that Scottish football is all about two clubs.

And one of them is dead.

Hasn’t anyone told them ?

On a wider note, this is another reason to ditch Sky, both as a company, and as a business. Give the whole package to BT, and put a stop to the agenda driven drivel of Nicholas, McCann, and that other idiot with the dodgy voice.

You can find the article on the Scotsman website, and you could have a read. Then again, you could pull your toenails out one by one and rub the affected area with sandpaper, an infinitely more productive way to spend your time.

Congratulations, then, to Andrew Smith,

This weeks Etims

Knob Of The Week 

Quite an achievement, when you consider the competition, that even this early in 2017, should there be a Knob of the Year award in December, someone else could win every single week until then, and still finish second to the man who coined the term “post liquidation newco ”

Smith’s article may well be the inspiration behind another piece of classic comedy, from Hayden Atkins at the Fotball Transfertavern…

Rangers are a team on the up once again and thanks to the management of Mark Warburton, they’re back in the top flight and looking to push rivals Celtic for silverware once again.

Their fans here in the Transfer Tavern are delighted to be back in the big-time of Scottish football and despite some recent struggles on the pitch, the foundations for success are definitely present at Ibrox once again.

Warburton has the extremely tricky job of piecing together a side on limited resources that can compete with the big-boys in the SPL once again. It’s going to take the Gers some time to re-establish themselves at the top of the pecking order in Scottish football, then

But with January now upon us, it’s an excellent time for managers to continue tying up business and looking for good deals.

And, with a whole wealth of talent emerging from the lower divisions in England, we think there is some fantastic talent Rangers should be looking to wrap up over the next couple of weeks.

So with that in mind, here’s three exciting Football League players Rangers should target next week according to our landlord…

I couldn’t help myself, I had to look, though not quite as pathetic as “post liquidation newco “, the promise of further gems was not to be denied…

He’s one of the hottest prospects in the Football League and there is little doubt Plymouth Argyle defender Ben Purrington has the potential to go on and be a fantastic player.

The 20-year-old left-back has already been tipped as one of the brightest young players in League Two right now and his continued strong performances are making an impression on managers all over the country.

Rangers might want to think about making a move for a player who could turn out to be a future star. 

Birmingham City are facing some tough times right now and, with Gianfranco Zola now at the helm, things are seriously changing at St Andrews.

And one seriously talented prospect that remains in the background is Reece Brown, who has been tipped as a future star for the Blues. But he’s struggling for game-time for whatever reason and we think a cracking move would be to Ibrox, where we’ve seen plenty of young talent prosper in the past. 

Bolton Wanderers striker Zach Clough has been a fine star for the Trotters indeed over the past couple of seasons but he’s remained at the Macron to keep hold of first-team football.

And it’s paid dividends – the youngster is the club’s current top goalscorer and a very popular man indeed around the squad.

But the time for a high profile move might be upon him and he could do far worse than continue his development at Ibrox, infront of packed crowds at a good level too. 

Sadly, there wasn’t a single reply to the article.

Enough of this frivolity…on to the serious stuff.

Celtic keep £35k of ticket money owed to Rangers to cover toilet damage at Parkhead

Depending on who you believe, the sum is anything betwen 35 and 40,000 pounds, after the hirdes went on the rampage when face with somewhere purpose built for them to deal with base body functions, as previously they simply went whenever they needed to, wherever that may be.

As Celtic found, the Ibrox club struggle with paying their way, and so decided to take matters into their own hands and deduct the payment from money due to “rangers ” from the sale of Ibrox tickets at Hogmanay to Celtic fans.

Of course, there was a predictable reaction from the swamp, as the Ibrox club accused Celtic fans of damaging Ibrox last time out, though its hard to see how any damage would be noticable.

Anyway, Celtic had stewards inspecting the allocated area before and after the game, which explains the lack of evidence forthcoming from Ibrox.

As far as I’m concerned, the club should now also ban “rangers ” fans from Celtic Park, as there is little doubt what their response will be.

As for the amount, they should charge interest and VAT on it as well.

Though someone would probably need to explain VAT to them.

On the transfer front, it could be farewell to Efe Ambrose, as he ponders a contract from French side Bastia, which is nearly how a lot of Celtic fans shamefully referred to him, by ading the word “useless “.

Efe Ambrose is attracting interest from France and China, according to authoritative British outlet Sky Sports. 

Ligue 1 club Bastia are reportedly keen on signing the Celtic defender before the close of the January transfer window and have offered him a two-year contract.

This season, Ambrose has been restricted to just two appearances, both coming in the qualifying rounds of the Champions League, after falling out of favour with manager Brendan Rodgers.

The 28-year-old’s contract with Celtic is due to run out at the end of the 2016-2017 season and he has not yet been offered a new deal.

The former Kaduna United man joined the Scottish champions from MS Ashdod in the summer of 2012.

Goodbye , and thanks Efe, you deserve better than what you’ve endured over the last couple of years, and you are commended for never hiding, and never giving up.

May your time in France be rewarding and enjoyable, Good luck big man.

Time for a bit more class, now, from Joshau Windass…

He’s at the right club.

What are you up to next Friday ?

How about this ?

Which brings me to my next mission…

On Friday February 3rd, the Lennon CSC will be sleeping rough to highlight the plight of the homeless.

a few brave souls, myself included , will spend the night on the concrete around Stoke City’s Bet365 stadium-we forced them to change the name before we’d do it, as it used to be the Brittannia-and any money raised will go to the Macari Centre-now on facebook at Macari Centre -to help those who need a step back up after they’ve fallen.

Donation page for sleep oot http://m.virginmoneygiving.com/mt/uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=LennonCSC&isTeam=true&un_jtt_redirect 

I’m not entirely sure that link will work, so if Voodude is reading this, could he email me a link that works and I’ll try again tomorrow. Or he could add one on the comments.

I’m sort of looking forward to it, and have already sorted out transport should the bad weather continue.. if “Unrepentant ”  on twitter isn’t using his motor that day…

On to yesterdays caption competition…

Among some quality entries, one stood out…