Celtic Xmas Crackers – Rudolph the Green Nosed Reindeer

Mike Moran sends in a fantastic contribution to the Celtic CHRISTMAS Cracker Collection.

Many thanks Michael and everyone else feel free to send your entries into etims.contact@googlemail.com

So…If you have ever wondered what goes on in the heads of Santa’s top pulling team, well see below..

The Green Nosed Reindeer

by

Michael Moran

aka Rudolf  The Tims Tale.

Starring Rudolf the Green Nosed Reindeer, with supporting cast, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donnar and Blitzen, Santa’s Herd.

Picture the scene…a dark uninviting place sees a bunch of big hairy ugly looking beasts cowering outside a big hoose…Naw its noo what you think…

We are in Lapland and its Santas Herd and boy…do they have a lot on their minds…

Dancer: “Oh  Ya beauty, we’re all goin inside oot of this freezin snaw, what is that a new bucket of food with Hun yin Bargees, brilliant, I’m starvin.”

Prancer : “Munch, munch, munch, new straw doon, plenty to eat, the Celtic View, ouch whit’s that he just stuck a needle up ma erse, it must be one o’ those antibiotic thingamys.  No too bad actually, perking me up a wee bit in fact. Mahn this is pure braw, life doesny get ony better than this.”

Dasher: “Oh hing oan a minute, cauld, freezin snaw, brought inside, plenty to eat it’s no that Christmas Time again is it, geez whit a sickner.  Wait, dae I hear someone comin?”

Vixen: ” It is!  Here comes thon big fat bassa Santa Claus, hee hee he looks funny wi that daft outfit.  He’s been eatin thon Christmas Pehs again, look at thon girth, if you caught him in the Tay you widny throw him back, he looks like an Orca, or Monty on holiday tae Tenerife ( Desi added this bit!)

Santa enters and heads straight to the main man..I mean reindeer!

Santa: “Come on now Rudolph, back a wee bit till I fit this harness on, there you go you look great, big antlers, green nose and big hooves and look you have a bell on top of your harness.  Great, better than tinnitus that bell, just what I need.”

Rudolph looks out the open door and reality hits home.

It’s match day!

Rudolph:  “Look at the size o’ thon sleigh, michty me how are we expected to pull that, it’s loaded to the gunnels with presents, it must weigh twa ton.  Thank goodness I’ve been in training, a fibre diet wi the odd Snicker, plenty o’ excersize pullin thon supporters buses oot oh the ditches.  Did well to avoid that wily Susanna filly next to my paddock, nice to look at but I canny tire masell oot at this time o’ year.”

The herd get into position and Rudolph, aka RuMjallby gies Comet a nod to pep up the rest of the bunch a nod as Santa tacks them up tight.

Its near kick-off and the games don’t come much bigger than this! Comet knows whats needed. Just like wee Bertie 50 year ago in Lisbon.

Comet:  ” A wee song to get us underway, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way, oh what fun it is to beat the Huns on any given day.  Keep on rollin, rollin, rollin, keep those thoughts on going, keep those titles coming Brendan.”

With Santa shouting “Mon the Hoops”…the horny gang rise like Big Billy at the back post and its up up and away.

Just.

Donnar: “Puff, puff, opant, pant, wheeze, here we go, here we go, here we go to six in a row, oh here we go to six in a row, we are on the road again, counting up till number ten, thru wind and rain and weather, we’re all Tims together, Brendan.”

Santa’s struggling to control the party  and no just cause of the sing-song

Santa: “‘Sake Rudolf, steady Bhoy, what have you been takin them Dundee Pehs eh?  Weel they dinae half make your muscles grow especially wi thon luvly Dundee cake, braw mahn, awfy braw.  Weel we huv deliveries to make especially to the weans, staun still noo.”

Rudolph flashes his beak a few times and the rest of the crew calm down to allow the daft old man to think hes back in charge.

Its like Hugh Keevins thinking he’s in control on the radio phone-in.

The deliveries kick on like a Celtic team under blessed Brendan and progress is almost just as fast.

 The deer have hardly had a chance of a breather and they stand to watch the Super Postman go at it.

Dasher: “Hahaha..look at Fatso jumping oot in his funny red suit, oh look oot he’s covered in soot – ha ha the dafty fell doon the chimney, serves him right!.”

Rudolph shoots Dasher the look that says “Your sounding like a hun there” and Dasher bows his head in shame.

Comet knows how to break the ice. Well he is 1 tonne at his fighting weight.

Comet: “Look at him trudgin thru the snaw, mind yoo he will do everything to deliver the weans presents.  Fair play to you Santa he does dae some trekin, no as much as us tho, he sits on his big fat Derek Johnstone while we pu his sleigh.”

Good wee Comet. Dasher smiles and cheers up when he sees Rudolph laugh tae.

Santa takes his seat and Rudolph gies 2 flashes off the green and its back to the game!

Cupid:  “Here we go, oh here we go, walking chests oot doon the Garvachy Road, mair than they dafties kin, presents for the weans.  That lucky bhoy has got the new Celtic kit and a pink wan fur his sister, good on yez, good luck tae yez brave, brave people.”

To Santas surpise, suddenly the sleigh takes a detour.

The rest smile as they know why Rudolphs nose is going like the clappers

Rudolph  “Okay,  A comfort stop ootside the Orange Hall, pishing in the street, clang yir bells, wake the dafties up, go hame ya huns, go hame ya huns, oh that’s right they are hame.”

Dasher disnae hold back at this chance of retribution

Dasher: “Right all of youse, sphincters open, let’s dae Frozen –  Let it Go, Let it Go.  That’s better now, Mahn it’s fair bowfin.  Ya beauty.”

Santa watches the Blasting of Brigton through to the end.

he wonders how they always get like this, same place, same every year

Michty Strange that he ponders and then its time to continue.

Santa: “Giddyup Rudolf, march on now bhoys and ghirls, keep in step, Vixen, Comet, Cupid keep up.”

Comet isnae listening, he has other matters of importance

Comet: “Softly Softly noo we’re passin St. Mary’s, wheesht noo.”

The Herd begin to sing

Herd:

Away in a manger,

No place for a Hun,

Oor Manager wee Brendan’s

Away in the sun.

We luv yoo Brendan Rodgers

Ye ken that that’s true,

When ye gie us Ten Titles,

Wee’l name a stand efter Yoo.

 Rudolph gives 67 flashes of appreciation on his nose and takes control as the flight continues.

Rudolph:  “March on, keep yer heeds up, nae talkin Donnar, Blitzen, slowly now we’re passing Big Billy’s Hoose, slowly heeds bowed.  We luv yoo Billy, the only Scotsman to lift The Big Cup.  There’s wee Bertie, still up chattin away, Luv ya Bertie, keep it lit.”

Rudolph gives the old 1,2,3,4 flash sequence and the Herd sing once again

The Herd:

Away to the Mankies,

Nae chance o fair play,

But still we will beat them,

No matter what they say.

I hope Santa gie’s me ma wish

a wee trip to Lisbon this coming May.

The crew sweep over England and Cupid sees a welcome sight

Cupid: “Och there’s yon Bhoy with the homeless bus, did ye see him Chancer, he bought an auld bus from Pensioner Bhoy, he stays in ebay, he converted it and travels his part o the world giein a bed and food each night for the homeless, whit a guid idea.

Dancer recalls something that got mentioned a while back and joins in.

Dancer: “If that luvved up Ralphy gets his finger oot and organizes a whip roon for Lou Macari’s homeless shelter that would be great.”

 The Herd bellow in appreciation as they turn back Northward.

They know that day will come.

Soon.

Rudolph looks around the Herd and they as one lower their heads.

Rudolph: “Gently noo Bhoys and Ghirls we’re comin up to ma favourit Celt’s hame, shoosh no, it’s Tommy Burns’s auld hoose. Santa, we’re stoppin for a minute to say a wee prayer for Tommy.  Tommy I met yur luvly lassie a wee bit back at Malones, whit a wee smasher.  I telt her how I tried to eat her faithers heid years back, well ye wir carrot topped.  Sleep Tight Tommy, we all send our luv and best wishes, naw she wisnae drunk she’s a guid ghirl.  Always in our prayers.”

 Santa smiles and says his own wee silent prayer of thanks.

Santa: “That’s us finished Rudolf, we’ve delivered all the weans presents time to go hame noo.”

 The herd hear the news and bellow in salute.

Rudolph flashes 10 in a row to let the party commence as the sleigh passes over Paradise

Vixen: “Cum oan you Bhoys in Green, Cum oan you Bhoys in Green and White, yes ya beauty we’re heading hame at last.”

The flight finally over, the Herd are in the stables wae Santa

Santa: “Weel done Rudolf. Your a star Bhoy, let’s get yoo into your stall, fresh hay, a bucket of food an sum luvly Christmas Pehs, Yoos huv aw dun great, we never let the weans doon.”

The Herd bellow their thanks and Santa lifts up one final package.

Santa: “Here is your Christmas present.  Well open it!  It’s Celtic T.V. H.D”.

As Santa leaves, Rudolph tears open the package to the delight of the waiting Herd.

Comet looks up with tears in its eyes as cries out

 Comet:  “OHH  F.F.S. whaurs the ariel!”.

MERRY  CHRISTMAS EVERYONE.

From Rudolf The Tim, Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet Cupid, Donnar and Blitzen  and Mike.

C.O.Y.B.I.G.