Hopes of continuing in Europe hinge largely on Celtic getting three points against Barcelona on Wednesday, and after considerable thought, I’ve worked out how the hoops can do this.

One of the things that truly annoys me is when opposition players tell the media what a great place Celtic Park is to play. A number of Barca players have gone on record to say this in recent years, and for that reason, we need to unsettle them from the off.

In fact, before the off.

Firstly, lets have a wee word with the head waiter and the chef  at whichever hotel they are staying at.

All we need to do is ensure that on Wednesday their pre match meal is maybe ten minutes late, and the wiate rgets all the orders mixed up.

Childish, trivial, but its part of the big plan.

Then maybe the porter could lose a couple of bags as the Barca players head to the coach. They will probably be heading home straight after the game, so they will be loading all their bits and bobs onto the bus as they leave. And if someone can get into their rooms and take all the batteries out of their phones-or even just a few-that would be grand.

Thats just the start of it.

When the coach arrives at the ground, maybe someone -a well meaning constable , perhaps, could hold them up for , say ten minutes, just to annoy them further. He could cite safety issues, or something, it doesn;t matter what, just enough to upset the routine.

Any fans hanging around could bang on the bus windows or something, and offer a couple of digitally based hand gestures.

Barcelona could be without a couple of their more experienced players, Messi isn’t very well, and Iniesta and Pique could be out through injury. They will have told their replacements about what a welcoming and friendly place Glasgow is, and what a great atmosphere they’ll be playing in.

We need to surprise them.

When their players head to the changing room, lets have a chap at the door apologising, and then explaining that the fellow who usually opens up has rang in sick, and we are just trying to find a replacement key.

At this point, its important to apologise, and perhaps even offer the lads a cup of tea or something.

Just as the several car owners who have broken down/bumped into each other/ran over an old lady need to apologise as they cause further obstructions on the way to the ground.

When their players finally get into the dressing room, lets make sure the heating isn;t working, and there’s no hot water. blame the plumber who hasn’t arrived yet , say because his wife went into Labour, or his dog was sick.

All of this will disorientate them, even annoy them.

We need to get to the point where they just want to get it over with and head home.

As they inspect the pitch, turn on the sprinklers. Make sure the man who did it is on hand to apologise, and also explain why he is struggling to turn them off.

Make sure the balls they practice with are not quite at the correct pressure, so they are a little less light than they should be. Then give them just slightly less than they require.

Behind whichever goal they are warmng up at, place all the kids, or all the disabled supporters,  so they won’t blooter the ball at them. Again, it will disrupt them.

If the ball does strike any of the fans, he must immediately fall to the ground in agony. It might help if he could make his own nose n]bleed at this point, while his parents scream about a law suit and compensation. That should put them off even further.

We need them to have a horrible day.

When , finally, the teams line enter the pitch ahead of the game, we need to greet them with complete silence.

No cheering, no clapping no fucking nothing.

Arms folded, staring ahead.

Their sense of disorientation will be at its peak by now, and then, at kick off, an explosion of noise.

Every time they are in possession, a cacaphony of boos and insults.

Cheers and applause for us, but abuse for them.

At half time, as they head to the dressing room, the door should be locked again, but the key found within two minutes. Then we need a  wee cleaning woman or two hoovering the changing room, and then explaining she has to do it early as her son is in the hospital and she needs to make visiting time.

All of these wee things will combine to piss the Barca players off. not enough to make them amgry enough to go out and play with a vengeance, but just enough to annoy them and make them lose concentration. Enough to make them dream about the flight home.

Celtic Park should not be a nice place to visit, it should be a place to fear.

Or at the very least it should be a place where you get the feeling you aren’t wanted.

Guillem Balague, the respected La Ligue expert, backs up my theory when he speaks of how Barcelona players view Celtic Park. Especially that little shit Messi.

“I have spoken so many times with those inside Barca about Celtic Park and they see it as a cathedral of football. I include both Pep Guardiola and Luis Enrique in that.

“Barca players love the place and have a genuine respect for the passion there. That level of atmosphere only exists at the Camp Nou against Real Madrid.

“Generally, Barca fans make a noise against the referee and not their rivals.

“But at Parkhead, Messi and the rest feel like they are walking into 90 minutes of hell and then a minute after the game the whole stadium is clapping them. They love it and thrive on it.

“With Messi, in particular, give him hell and you will get the best from him. So be careful what you wish for.”

The trouble is, we don;t give them hell. Or even purgatory. We’re too nice.

Balague gave us a few words of encouragement..

 “The 7-0 game has to be viewed as a learning curve for Brendan and Celtic but it is a dark place to which they will not want to return.

“It will be interesting to see how Celtic approach it.

“Will it be with fear or has that 3-3 draw with Manchester City given them heart now?

“It is so difficult to play Barcelona. A lot of things have to go your way. Brendan’s first attempt didn’t work and now he must find another solution. He is a shrewd man, he will learn from it.”

Hope so.

Speaking of hope and encouragement, Graeme McPherson of the Herald is hoping that history will repeat itself. not so much with a Celtic win, but what he sees as the inevitable exodus if Celts win;

Nine of the Celtic side that beat Barcelona went on to play in

England – what chance the current team doing the same?

I suppose if that does happen, he thinks his side can still go for their 55…

CHAMPIONS League giant-killings can come at a price. Often a fairly hefty price. Trying to fathom out whether the majority of the Celtic team that defeated Barcelona four years ago ended up moving to England as a result of that famous win – or they were already good enough and the victory merely confirmed as much – falls into the chicken-and-egg category. But, regardless of the cause and effect, the evidence is irrefutable: of the 13 players used by manager Neil Lennon that night, nine would go on to further their careers down south.

Some left for bigger money than others. Southampton paid £12.5 million for Victor Wanyama in the summer of 2013 then came back a year later with a cheque for £10m, taking Fraser Forster in return. Adam Matthews, Joe Ledley, Kelvin Wilson, Charlie Mulgrew, Georgios Samaras, Biram Kayal and winning goalscorer Tony Watt would all be enticed over the border at various points over the next four years. The underlying message was clear: Celtic may be a proud institution and the biggest club in Scotland but when it comes to shielding their assets from preying English clubs it is akin to trying to repel machine-gun fire with a peashooter.

Ahead of Barcelona’s return to Celtic Park on Wednesday night, what chance the team being assembled by Brendan Rodgers being similarly picked off over the next few transfer windows? Many of Rodgers’ summer signings, unlike those recruited by Lennon and then Ronny Deila, can be considered the finished article, veterans like Kolo Toure and Dorus de Vries. Others, like Scott Brown, Craig Gordon and Mikael Lustig, remain integral to Celtic but, given their age profile, are unlikely to attract English suitors.

Of those who left, arguably only Forster, Wanyama amd Ledley have been missed. Adam Matthews paid the price for an incident in a nightclub and the rest of them , even with the greenest of glasses on, did not earn a move south on the back of that win.

What MacPherson is driving at here is obvious. He wants as many Celts as possible to be picked off by southern sides to give the league that competitve edge that is now apparently missing, despite the arrival of an Ibrox based club that was going to offer us a challenge.

I didn;t bother reading after the bit where he figured that Brown, Lustig and Gordon were too old to head south. It just shows what his thinking is.

Perhaps he’s still gutted that big money offers for Waggo, Tavs and Andy Andy Halliday haven’t yet materialised, despite the plucky newcomers hanging on in the top six all the way up to Christmas.

Kris Boyd, the portly Kilamrnock forward who has a fondness for maize based flavoured snacks, has given his thoughts on Moussa  Dembele, the Celtic forward tipped by many to bring a few quid to the club when he leaves..

“Why is Dembele in Scotland? If any English club seriously wanted him they would have got him. Instead, they let Celtic have him. Why?”

I think the player himself may be the reason , as he wanted to come to Celtic. A ploy that , if he wants a move to a bigger wage, certainly sems to have worked. He has made a name for himself in Europe, which he would not have done in England, and Europe is where its at.

Boyd, who himself played in England, but not very well or very often, is plying his trade at Kilmarnock these days, waiting for the call from Ibrox that may see him re united with Kenny Miller when the offers that the Ibrox club put on the table in January are turned down by anyone who isn’t born under a union jack.

As the ditty says..

Brendan Rodgers, liek the support, is loking ahead to the Barcelona game..

 “Messi is the best for me. 

Can we stop blowing smoke up their arses ?

Please.

“I can only talk about now. My father loved Pele and I loved Maradona. That was a big thing for me growing up.

“It’s hard to choose between Messi and Ronaldo because it’s just what you prefer. I don’t think there’s one better than the other.

“If I could sign just one of them? It would be Lionel Messi because he excites you, doesn’t he?

“He’s that type of player I love and he works his socks off.

“He has proven against teams superior to us that he makes the difference. But that’s the big challenge.” 

How about talking about our guys ?

The more Rodgers talks them up, the more chance there is that the players will fold like they did in the Nou Camp.

“We have to be aggressive.

“We know they are some of the top players ever. But we have to get up to them and see how they cope when you are right at them. 

Thats better.

Make them know they’ve been in a game.

Everything else will take care of itself.

You’ve seen him take great free kicks at Celtic Park, and you’ve seen him score great goals. You’ve seen him hit the ball through the window of a moving bus, and you’ve seen him knock the dolls off the top of a wedding cake…but how does he do against a giant robot keeper ?

Christmas is a time for hopes and dreams, i suppose, however unrealistic they are.

And we all have those hopes, and we all have those dreams.

Like this guy…

Aye, they’ll be queuing up to get him behind the desk.

Or will he be part of the New Third Rangers, the one to replace the current lot ?

David Murrays five year exile is almost up, and he may well ride back into town to rescue the club he will claim he was duped into parting with.

And all of those creditors will be bent over and reminded again  of what he-and the establishment -have done to them.

With Martin Bain replacing Stewart Regan at the SFA, and Walter Smith at the helm once again, it’ll be as though they’ve never been away.

Signed and forwarded that petition yet ?

petition-link

If we don’t take control now, it’ll be business as normal in Scottish football, and we will have missed an opportunity to put things right.

Yesterdays caption pic…

Taken in Barcelona, 1936, this shows just how tyranny can quickly get out of hand, even in a modern European environment.

But some of you thought different, including …

Pensionerbhoy November 19, 2016 at 4:04 pm · Edit · Reply →

Caption: “The SFA finally respond to the Requesitioners”

H H

Just as Orwell predicted much of what we see today, Pensionerbhoy is predicting the reaction of the establishment when the SFA are removed…

todays pic, much closer to home, is this somewhat bizarre ritual, that needs an explanation..